Originally Posted by mistiis

((((BF))))...you are hurting, and I hear it as well. I wish I had some easy answers. But I don't. What you are going to walk through will not be easy. I have experienced some of it. I was in the middle of a slow suicide attempt right before and after my father died of lung cancer. I didn't just lose my father, I lost nearly everything. My life lay in shards around me. I had to give up a child I had raised for 7 years, who was like my own. The circumstances around the situation were very emotionally traumatic. My 17 year marriage was coming to an end. It was not something that I wanted. My father was dying of cancer, and I, along with my mother, were his caregiver. Although I have 5 brothers and sisters, my father and I were very close. Major decisions about his life and death were left up to me. I was also suffering from chronic pain which left me almost unable to function, and sleep at night. (major shoulder surgery). My best friend who was only 36, and had 3 small children was dying from breast cancer, and I was trying to help her. It all came crashing down when my father died, about a week before Christmas. We were left with nothing. My mother was cheated out of a 100,000 dollar life insurance policy, and left with a lot of debt from my fathers battle with the cancer. My ex skipped the state and left me with two teenagers to raise. We literally had nothing. My mother had to sell everything, at a time when we were both completely grief stricken, we had to give up everything else too. I am sorry this is getting long. My point is, there is a way. I had a 'mental breakdown' I did not even realize it at the time. My mother and I moved into an apartment together, with my children. My actions caused much grief between us at a time when we should have been supporting each other. I went from 135 pounds to 90. I thought I could just 'disappear this way.' We got help anyway we could. My mother is a true survivor. And, yes, in some ways, I did have her. Which is different from your situation. But you have something that I didn't have. I did not know that I needed help, much less how to ask for it. And nobody in my family did either. We are taught to 'suck it up' and deal with it. My mother and I had no way to support ourselves. She finally got some help from the VA, I got food stamps, and some small amount of medicaid for the children, and began the long battle for child support. My mother and I went to college together, with the help of loans, and other support systems. And we did make it. Within a year and a half we were working. I honestly don't know how I made it through all of that. I have some of the same problems that you do. But I did make it. And if I can, you can. We just have to keep trying and be diligent. According to the scales they like to use in psychology, all the stress factors that I went through during that period, should have killed me. But, here I am. And here you are. I am praying for you my friend. Please hang in there. There has to be an answer. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and trying. I'm sorry this was so long.

Originally Posted by Alffe

Wow Mistiis...it's called surviving and if you can do it, BF can do it too. I'm so glad we are all talking about it. Hugs for the room.

Originally Posted by DM

Hey BF! Just popping in to say that I continue to keep you in my prayers and hope that things turn around for you soon. I truly believe that unless someone walks in your shoes, they cannot understand how you feel. Your Sister should be more compassionate in that she herself has MS. But, your'e right, OCD in itself is very misunderstood. Heck, we didn't even have a name for it until just a few yrs ago.

I suffer from a milder form of OCD, but I do remember as a child wondering why I did the things I did or why I had some of the thoughts I had. I was overjoyed when OCD came out of the closet, so to speak. I saw a therapist for a while, who also suffered from OCD and she helped me to feel that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't help it. That, along w/medication, I feel like I am keeping it at bay, for the most part.

The most important thing I want to tell you is that no matter what you think others' are saying or thinking about you, YOU are just as important as everyone else and you are worthy of understanding and love. I hope you can find some answers to your housing and financial situation very soon. But, remember that you are totally worthy.

take care BF and don't give up hope.

Originally Posted by Nik-key

((BF)) Firstly I need a new name to call you, as to me your name makes me kind of sad. You are NOT broken, you just have issues you are dealing with. It takes great courage to admit that to oneself and others. So until you give me a better name to call you, I think I will call your CouragousFriend

Secondly, we are all here because we are in pain. We are all here to break the silence and stigma associated with depression and suicide.. so no my friend, you are NOT saying too much. Keep talking, share anything and everything you want to!! One thing I love about this forum is the open support and knowing no matter what I say, I am safe and I will not be judge. I may not understand all that you are going through, but I do not judge you. I only wish to listen and offer help if I can. Everyone here is the same, we wont turn our back on you.

If I may ask, how long has it been since you have seen a therapist? I know you were going, and are going again next wed. I keep holding out hope that this could be a turning point for you. I am also wondering if there is anything in your state that could help you push along the paperwork to get you the help you need. Do you have a social worker?

I hope I do not offend you, but in order to try to understand the rift in your family I need to ask a question. Has your father ever told you, personally, not through other family members, that he doesn't wish to see you? You mention that you have no idea why he doesn't want to talk, does this mean you have never asked him right out? I only ask because I have found the only way to handle any problem, including family rifts and misunderstandings is to tackle them head on. If someone in my family didn't want to see me, I would move Heaven and Earth to find out why. Perhaps if you ask him straight out, you will at least have a true answer?

I continue to hold in my prayers. Keep posting, and let us know how your appointment goes Nikki

Originally Posted by DM

Big germ phobic here, BF!! Yes, I do understand. [[[[BF]]]]]

Originally Posted by DMACK

BF.....Talk away my friend.....i'm going no where.,..............


David