Sorry Alffe. After the nurse left I fell asleep with my fingers poised on the keyboard ready to type. I woke up to a bunch of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’s.

I’m not sure what “normal” grieving is because every one grieves differently, at their own pace, in their own way. I never saw my dad cry, not once, not at the viewing, not at the funeral. He just sat there with a blank stare on his face, as did my mom. He welled up many times until the day he died. But he also became angry and bitter towards both my mom and me and started to drink heavily.

After Mark’s funeral my mom secluded herself in her room for months. She would not come out, barely ate, she just sat there staring at Mark’s picture. When she finally reappeared, she wasn't quite the same. Her eyes were dull and her soul seemed to weep. She managed to hide most of her feelings from me, but sometimes I would hear her sobbing in her bedroom. This went on for several months. As I look back now on those difficult days, I remember my mother as pale, beautiful and helpless.

I remember the day when she finally came out of her room. She opened the door and looked at my dad and I. She took a deep breath and we came forward to meet her. Her arms wrapped around us, so firm, so strong. I just melted as she rested her hand on my head. She lowered herself to kiss me. I had my mom back, but only for a few weeks.

Three weeks later she left a note for me:

Dear BJ,

It would not be right of me to say what I would like you to do with your life but what I would hope you would do or be able to achieve. For any dream or want that you have, make sure that you do everything to achieve it and never let anyone stand in your way. Be a strong willed woman and stand by your decisions. You will make mistakes in life and when you do, don't get down but take the lesson out of the mistake and learn from it and move on. These words were said to me all my life growing up from my parents and I feel that, that is the most important information that I can use. Remember that I love you and will always love you and be with you no matter if you are all grown and have gone away.

Love Always,
Mom

That afternoon my dad came home from work early and found my mom in her room. She had a poem on the bed next to her that she had written to Mark. I know Jan is a bad month for you Alffe so it’s best I don’t post it. She had taken over 30 sleeping pills and wanted to be with her son. She tried two more times after that and spent a lot of time in the psych hospital. She grieved normally to the day she died.

My honest opinion Alffe is that your neighbor is not ready to read Lament for a Son. I’ve read this book over and over and never quite “got it”. It’s heart wrenching to read and I just think it’s too raw for her at this time. Especially when he describes why his son went up to that mountain in the first place, “His deepest self drew him there, a self his mother and I helped to shape”. He also says the strength of a man in sorrow is to be seen in his tearless face. Does this explain her husband’s feelings? It didn’t to me about my dad. Why the anger, why the hatred, why drinking your life away, why the beatings?

And you’re right again, I don’t believe that my dad didn’t hate me. I know he did. I'm sorry this is all pouring out, I have too much time on my hands and can't shut it off. I fell asleep and missed my pain meds and now I'm paying for it.

Thank you BJ for the input...it really is a raw book...I agree, it's too soon for her to read it...I just keep trying to find a way to make her understand that's it's waaaaaaaay to soon for her to feel anything but wretched.

And the author of that book certainly described "wretched" to a T.

I hope you have now taken the meds and are cuddling with Hooper.

Remember that you are loved around here!

Bumping this up because I have been thinking about Bj !


I hope your doing well Bj and just know the circle is always near~!

thank you dottie for this bump...

thinking of you, ((((BJ))))

another bump from BMW... because I am getting worried and I am also thinking of you BJ . I have been really sick the last few days and only able to lurk if that. but I have been praying and thinking about you. I hope you check in soon because you are being thought of MISSED and your cared about and loved by all of us here. so if you can just check in really fast... if you dont want to post then just tag a thankyou or something.
We are holding you tight and close in our prayers BJ

PEACE
BMW

((((BJ))))) please don't let 'fear' hold you back. Our love for you is unconditional, just as yours is for us.

BJ


DAVID

I was wrong, I don't belong in this circle, maybe none of them, who really gives a damm, I spill my guts, try to reach out and other then a few easy mouse clicks of thanks I am invisible here as I am at home! I won't be back to this circle. for special [edit]
Goodbye and good luck, I will keep looking for my place in this net, but it sure is not here!

Junie, I hope you will take this in the spirit it's intended. Have you ever pushed the thanks button? Have you reached out here to offer comfort to anyone else? In order to get support, you need to offer support. We care...we are not an exclusive group...not everyone here has lost someone up close and personal to suicide.

I'm sorry you feel rejected and I hope you will continue to at least read here. We do care.

Friendship and support are a 2 way street. You have to also give support and friendship.

I don't think you are being fair to the members. You have gotten replies.

There are no rules that each person has to reply. There are no rules that anyone even has to reply. There are no rules that replies have to made in a certain time frame.

To become part of an online community you have to participate, not just post expecting answers. Then getting upset and flaming the forum when you don't get what you want. That isn't going to help you get replies.

It's up to you to stay or to find some place else that you feel suits your needs better than NT.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh Junie. I have been one who has tried.

We all wish you well.