I remember you doing that last year David...a playful day..a fresh beginning. I like that!

I like that too ((David))

We never have had the burden many seem to have over expenses. Since I was old enough to work, we have drawn names. Each person only buys (or makes) a gift for one person. I of course do buy for the children, but it is never expected or "required". I am thankful my family never "commercialized" Christmas.

We use to have our huge family gathering on Christmas Day. As the family continued to grow making it harder to get the little ones up and away from their Santa gifts, about 10 years ago we decided to all get together on Christmas Eve instead.

Not being able to have children of my own, I would get up very early on Christmas day and go to my siblings houses to see their children open their gifts. After that Lynn and I would have our traditional Christmas breakfast, then we would head up to Dad's for dinner. It was just the four of us, Dad and Mom (step mom, but she IS my mom too) Lynn and I.

This was always my favorite part of Christmas. We didn't exchange gifts, we exchanged love. We were able to spend quiet, peaceful, time together -enjoying what we felt was the true meaning of Christmas. I will miss that most of all........

Today I took Moi's advice and talked to my DIL because she'd called early in the a.m. and left a very disturbing message about my grandson. I, eventually told her how the times they'd taken the kids away from us had hurt and she started screaming at me....I hung up. Later the son called and said that he hates us, his wife hates us, and the kids want NOTHING to do with us - ever. We will NEVER see the kids again, we are not his parents, he wants nothing from us - take him out of the will, etc. My heart is not only broken, I'm not even certain it's there anymore. The last time they took the kids away it was over 6 months and it was horrible. He said that, if we tried to contact them at Christmas, the presents would be thrown away. Grandson's birthday is a week after Christmas and I'm sure he'll wonder why we aren't coming to take him to dinner and to let him pick his present. The DIL has a habit of turning things around to her benefit and lies constantly so I have no idea what she told the son. At this point all I want to do is die and I feel incredibly trapped. On the one hand, I "need" to be here for hubby....but I just don't want to be here. I'm going to die anyway, what's the big deal? So I speed things up and I don't really see anything wrong with that. Yeah, the kid knows that the diagnosis was made a few years ago but he never believed it because I never let him see the "bad side" of the disease....I always managed to be around him when it was the rare good day. Now I don't care. I just feel so trapped and tired and I don't want to do this anymore. I don't see anything wrong with speeding up the process a little. At this point I think - know - that even God hates me. How can you argue with that???? I don't want to think anymore after today. There just doesn't seem like there's much left to say.

Hi Hippiechick, I don't post here very often but I have to respond to your last post. One of the reasons I do not post is I am often afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I know you feel that God hates you right now but I can with the most certainty tell you that He does not. God loves you, always will. Cry out to him at this most desperate time of need.

Your hubby needs you, your grandkids need you and yes even your son needs you. He may be a butthead right now but he still needs you. Please Please Please know that you are needed in this world. You never know when you can impact the life of another. Just as you have impacted me tonight.

For you...

http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com...=Poem/Poem.php

Let Him carry you...Sue

Hippiechick (((Hugs))) to you. God is right there with you. He loves you with a everlasting love. BF

oh no...

hip chick...I am so sorry that this happened to you...you did NOT deserve that...

I hope I can be blunt...

I still think you did the right thing...you have let out your feelings that has been bottled inside of you. You needed to let it out.

Maybe the timing wasn't the greatest but you did it and I hope that at least got the "vent" opened on your end...

Your son reacted badly and that is unacceptable. But I think it'll make him think. And I KNOW that he'll regret having said what he's said. I am not sure what all has happened before up to this point...but please give him some time to cool off and think about his actions...

please take this from a person who spent years hating his father, moi...

at least I thought I did...I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have said, and I have regretted a lot of them...

I wish I could take them all back now...a lot of the times, I was blindsided by things or other people...I was influenced by other forces and I didn't give my father enough chances nor did I tried hard enough when I thought I had tried my best...

I find myself thinking that I wish I had taken the time to back off instead of being in his face when I didn't needed to.

He and my mother had an arranged marriage and they were both miserable...I was just too influenced to butt out...it's hard...

I know your situation is different but perhaps there are many other factors or influences or things he's heard from others that aren't true about you and your hubby and the miscommunications happened way before this...

please don't give up...

like many have said, your husband needs you...and believe it or not, WE here have come to need you as well...you may not feel like it because you might feel like you are "new" here...

but when you posted, you have touched so many hearts with your post(s).

I know you touched me deeply...for you to tough it out even though every fiber in your being is telling you to give up...

and yet, you are here, you are fighting and you are sharing a part of you that is so deep...that I ache for you...

we need you here, selfishly...

but your family needs you more...every second that you are alive you are creating something for them...

each second is a footprint of you...and those footprints will be there forever for them...for your family...

you have opened the door...and I truly believe that if you leave it open, your son will come and walk through that door...right now, he is on the other side of the door and is afraid to walk through it...

don't try to reach over the door now to him, let him come to you...I believe in my heart that he will...

as for God...

you know, I am not an authority on God nor do I have the right to talk about God...

but in my heart, I believe that he does not hate..

there was a time when our daughter would call everyday and threaten that she wanted to kill herself...

she kept on saying that is what GOD told her...that God said it was OK for her to kill herself...she was telling us about the proof that she found, the four leaf clovers or some sort of sign or whatever...

and she used those "signs" as the "LOVE" of God...

I told her that she overlooked the most important thing...

when Jesus died for her on the cross...he showed her the greatest love...

he sacraficed himself for her...and that was LOVE that he showed...

not through four leaf clovers or some stupid signs...

I told her that because she told me of how deep her "faith" is...

I think it sank finally...

my point is IF we need proof of God and if we believe in the scripture....we don't need the proof anymore...

it said so right there in the passages...He loves you, he sent someone here to die for you...he loves all...

I totally believe in my heart that he loves you...

and you know what? Based on the replies that you've received...I believe it

He is saying that he loves you through each one of these angels (I am not an angel yet you are one of mine, now, hip chick) how much he loves you...

he's reaching out to you in this fashion...

you found this forum through a divine reason...you are here for a reason...you posted for a reason...

I am sorry that you took my stupid advice but for me, personally...I think that it is OK, cause you've opened some doors...

please don't give up yet, not on yourself, not on him,not on your hubby and your family...

stay with us, as long as you are able to...stay with us...

(((((BIG BIG HUGS)))))

much love,

moi

((hippiechick)) I have so much I want to say to you, but like Sue I worry sometimes that I will say the wrong thing... so the best I can do is follow the advice I gave you and speak from my heart

I am very sorry you were treated so badly by your son and DIL. I can't begin to understand how he could have said those things to you. Moi's reply was excellent and I agree with everything he said.. the only thing I can add is that in the future I would not talk to the DIL without your son also being there, this would put a stop to the manipulation and misunderstandings. I am so sorry you are hurting so badly, I can only imagine how painful this must be for you.

What troubled me the most in your post was this
Firstly, I can't possibly know what you must feel having your diagnoses and having once felt the same way you do now.... I can't and wont judge you. while I can not know how you feel, I can relate to your husband.

My husband Lynn is also terminal, he has less time than you. Not only is Alzheimer's terminal, it has also robbed him of his memories, his identity and his very essence. It has been truly heartbreaking over the years watching the love of my life slip away from me inch by inch...... I know what lies ahead will be even harder....

Knowing this, does not change the fact that I love him and want him here with me as long as God will allow. Without knowing your husband, I can safely assure you, he feels the same way about you. Without a doubt! I know from your past posts the time line you were given..... ask yourself this.........if it were your husband who was ill, would you not want ALL the time you could have with him? Would you not want him to fight to stay with you? You have both been blessed to find each other and the love you have is a gift many long for. When it get too hard and it feels like you can't fight for yourself, fight for him.

I have typed and erased for almost two hours now............. this is very hard for me to reply to. I truly hope I have shown you how much I have come to care for you Please don't give up on yourself, don't let that "perfect storm" over take you. Remember you ARE loved, I love you when it seems like it is too much , Come here, talk with us... KEEP TALKING!!! Let us help you through this.

Your life is precious. I love you. Your in the cradle of the palms of Gods hands. I'm sorry for your heartache. BF

Wow!! The love shown in this room is almost overwhelming! I can't add much to what the others have said HippieChick but a very wise woman, on another forum, recently said to many of us who are struggling,

We are not responsible for our adult childrens decisions!!

I couldn't respond to that immediately and still have a little problem with it because my adult son killed himself at age 31 and I have residual guilt about it....because I'm his mom...and moms' always feel responsible, we are just stuck with it.

You are an "easy" target because of that love..your son knows that you love him even when he's being such an idiot. He'll have to live with his poor choices and own them. And remember that time is a great healer.

You aren't alone....we all love you and are here for you.

Hippiechick... you are not alone in your feelings about this season.

I can't wait until its over.

You're not alone when it comes to estrangement in your family.
I walk a parallel path and no matter how much I try to figure it out, I can't.