((Mistiis)) I thank you for opening up and sharing with us. You truly do have a way with words, a gift.

I had several childhood traumas that I had to work through as a young adult. I was going to say it wasn't fear that was the hardest part, it was knowing the emotional hell I would have to go through to heal. But, that is fear isn't it!

I'm not a parent, but I am a big sister to two of my sisters, one 8 years younger, (whom I practically raised) the other 18 years. I am also a proud aunty. I know it was my past that made me reach out to them, (with parents approval of course) to let them know even though many loved them they would have at least one person they would always be safe with. There is a difference between feeling loved, and feeling safe. I think it is vital.

Problems, issues and "elephants" are more readily and easily discussed if one feels safe. I didn't have that as child and I wanted to make sure they did. I let each of them know, they could always come to me, for any reasons. If for example they had been drinking, or were pregnant, call me. No questions would be asked, no explanations needed... just reach out and I will always be there, "you will always be safe with me".

I was pleasantly surprised at how many questions they came up with, well what if I did this? What if someone did this to me? I let them know NO MATTER WHAT, my love for them would not change and I would keep them safe and help them through any problem. They did call on me many many many times and I am so very thankful.

Now that someone we all love did take their own life, we openly talk about suicide as well. It is very difficult to say the least. In order to break the cycle of pushing problems aside, only so they come back and bite you in the butt later, they have to be worked through. The sooner the better.

My point in sharing this is I believe we must start anew in both protecting and educating "our children" We teach them morals, manners etc. we must also teach them and give them the tools they need to face many of life’s challenges. IMHO, I believe the best place to start is at home.

Again ((Mistiis)) thank you for sharing, you helped me today

ps. If posting a long thread I copy and paste it into my word so I don't lose it. Just an idea

Nikki, I wish someone like you had been around when I was 8 years old. Something kinda bad happened to me and so I told my Mom's best friend, Mary. She advised me not to tell Mom because it might upset her.

Years later I found out that Mary had been abused/traumatized by her older brothers. Not surprisingly, she had an eating disorder. She used to have the best collection of Barbies and doll houses I've ever seen. Also, she was a cleaning fanatic. But a very very nice lady.

Sorry, this post really isn't about suicide, but it does acknowledge that it's important to talk to the right person to get the help you need. Do adults know who to call? As a kid I knew absolutely nothing.

((Twink)) I wish I could have been there for you
I didn't have anyone I could turn to either, and I imagine many children don't. Tragic and sad. Problems of childhood, if not dealt with, can and do lead to troubles in adulthood. No matter where you go, there you are......

The coalition I joined, is for survivors and prevention of suicide. I suggested a good way to prevent was not only to talk talk talk about it, but to also make these children feel safe. At the next meeting we are going to talk about ways in which we can do just that. Small steps, but they can make all the difference! Still holding onto hope

I am trying to chose my words carefully but I cannot guarantee that will happen.
I am replying to Mois first post as I have not really read all of the responses yet. So please forgive me if I don't touch on anyone else's posts here.
Hard to look back but I have traveled so far that looking back at my first attempt I feel extremely stupid, foolish and embarrassed, young .
So as some know I grew up with mean older brother who abused me when mom and dad were not around. My parents had health issues My dad had 3 heart attacks and then when I was still a little kid he had a triple by pass surgery. When I was 8 my mom had cancer she lost both breast to cancer but she is a survivor and is still kicking in her 80s. Anyways I wanted to say I was left at other family members houses a lot cus mom or dad sick. I also had a mean brother who abused me when my parents were not around. So I grew up poor. I lived in kinda rich town in Conn. My brother would hit me ,us, my mom and Dad around I will swear on the bible no lie that the cops were at our house at the very least 4 times EVERY week either to break up a physical fight bro beating mom or bro beating up on dad. If not that it would be to “question” my bro or arrest him as he liked to break in our neighbors houses or take a car for a joy ride.

I guess I am sharing this so maybe someone will understand things that lead me to the first time.
I was in high school one night my school friends all wanted to go to MC donalds. It was in Feb still snow in fact the roads were icy. I didn't go but 2 boys from the neighborhood went and my girlfriend from up street and another semi friend went. Well they hit a pole and 2 died at scene and one other a day later ...the last a week later. A few weeks after that happened . Dad, twin bro and I had come back from roller skating . My dad decided to bring us to Wendy's fast food for a snack . Mom came too. I will skip the so vividly and easy to recall details. But my Dad died at home that night after we got back from wendys.

School just sucked. I had just lost my click of friends forever I just lost my dad forever.. I am leaving Steven out of this but he was a friend who committed suicide when I was in high school. I would go to school and look around at all the other kids . Kids who only had to deal with what new shirt they will wear. Or whats for dinner. I was so not fitting in with that. I was so different . They could not relate or begin to understand and there is no way I could explain .these feelings the loneliness the anger the .
How could I explain when I never had some of these feelings before and I don't understand them myself.
So I recall how I would just for hours be thinking of things like “BMW” is there anything really truly good about growing up? Has there been anything good that has happened so far. . Look where you at right now BMW . Your friends crashed into a telephone pole, your dad died right in front of you and you couldn't do anything about it not one thing. You really think you can make new friends BMW with the reputation your older brother has given to your last name? Ya think anyone will want to be friends with a poor freak like you BMW ...do you see the look on the teachers faces when they call your name ?!! .
Then I would think of the future and that didn't look good at all. So I thought different things.
I started cutting arms legs. No one noticed and it felt good it helped me deal. Helped me deal with being the freak at school . I just felt like the freak in my tiny teenage world . Then I ...I started feeling like I didn't want to be here. Yes it was a personal thing all of it. Private. I decided to take a bunch of pills and cut myself. Well it didn't work. I ended up in hosp then counciling. I guess that time I was thinking I am a bad person I am useless hopeless worthless no good, not liked... a waste a mistake.
I even thought I was really suppose to be in that car ,I really was suppose to die with my friends..I really am suppose to be dead...so just do it. Those are easy things to say now but back then I was just a confused scared sad little teenager. I didn't have a clue .

My second time or times I thought /felt like ending my life was after my accident I had in 1999. I have beautiful family 2 little girls(big now tho) and hub. I had accident a semi hit me from behind .Broke jaw, steel plates on each side of jaw fake teeth jaw bone shaved. Head injury .etc etc... On meds after med after med for face pain for depression for anything I guess .I had head injury and med all the different types and strengths and its just a fog really but I know one time back then. In my oh so damn dark and lonely horrible time back then when I was trapped , be humbled, helpless but to lay in my bed not being able do do anything . Not eat not keep any liquid down. Not sit up to look out window... Not play with my kids not do anything but shake and shake. That is how I saw myself being for the rest of my life. And I did not want that. Not for me not for my family. I felt horrible what I was putting my family thought . My girls . I would not put anyone I loved and cared about so much would not put them through this a week longer. I couldn't take the pain , I couldn't explain the pain, nothing was helping me . I told my pain doctor straight up what I was feeling and how I didn't want to be alive anymore, how I will not be like this. I just wont. And he took my words to heart and helped me. He gave me 2 options to see if morphine would help my pain. If so he would implant a morphine pump into back of my head to treat my nerve damage. Well he iv a morphine drip to see if it would help but it did not. So He offered me the last option to try a neuro stim. Okay I was still trying to settle with the accident and the truck driving company. So this was considered a voo- doo treatment . I am the first in the U.S.A. To try a neuro stimulator for face pain. I had to fight in court for this at same time fighting for compensation. Well I won my case ... trail by jury of my peers 13 of them.. more important...
I fought myself for myself and I won .
I guess for me in those times I think about it or feel like doing it. It is because I hate what I am putting others threw, hate that I am hurting other people or that other people are going threw things because of me. That could be called quilt or shame or blame???
So I guess each time is a very different feeling or reason . Even when talking about one person. As is each loss that is felt so deep amongst us when one dose succeed in ending their life. Each reason different. Maybe a desperate act or a selfish act. Yet it could be a self -Less act a brave courageous act or ending ones life out of anger or pain..(hate of or cant handle pain lived with pain long enough...) .
The reasons are different and there is no ONE thing to call it but a loss..

On talking about it I am scared to hit the post button...but I trust that if need be a mod will remove my post .as when one suffers a head injury and they are seeking compensation...the law says there is right to go back as far as one wishes into that persons personal history..which would include any post here. So I do not want any head injuries and I do not want johnny law looking at my high school times. As they will use it against me as they did during my trial after accident.. I am so scared to post this. But in my heart it is for good, to help another and that is just what I hope it dose. Help somebody. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

I think after I hit post I will hide out in the corner and lurk. as this is kinda hard to share and i left things out but the just of it is here and the only thing i want it to do is help someone be able to reach out to ask for help , to show someone they arent alone.... for support in positive way. We are here for you just reach and keep on reaching.

PEACE
BMW
__________________

You are an incredible woman BMW and very brave to share your story with us. You told me bits and pieces in private but I have a much clearer picture now. It's no wonder with all you have been through that you'd want it to end...the physical and emotional pain..and awful memories.

I'm so glad you didn't succeed..your support around here means the world to a lot of us...you offer a lifeline...If you can survive...so can I. You are a perfect example of a survivor. Thank you....

Edit to add a couple of things...did you get any kind of counseling after the initial counseling in the hospital? Do you and your mom talk about "it"?

lol I did the oppiset
did it on words then copy and pasted it here.

Alffe mom thanks . I am glad I am alive ...more then most people are happy to be alive . I started out trying to suport others with T.N. and I guess I hope to help people in this forum too.

I'm not sure what your particular boogey man is dear lady..tramatic childhood experiences or a "hands on" kind of thing but it's shaped you..those threads that are the fabic of our lives..woven together with sweat blood and tears...or something like that..my memory ~sigh
You've had more than one "close call"....keep talking..we're here for you.

And I find my grandchilden more open to the discussion of suicide than the adult members of our family....or any adult. Somehow I find comfort in that because someone is talking about "it" to them.

It shows BMW...in how you live your life now..in the supportive and love you offer so freely. Gee, I'm glad I got up today.

yes I had councilimg after hosp. then mom moved to florida when I was 16 and I quit school at 17. I think I shared with you how I am sure I aggravated my mom...remeber the jack in the box? we were never close and we dont talk about it .
After accident too had counciling a good few years of it. i think about 4 or so years.
I do how ever talk with both my girls. I helped my oldest one durring her cutting self time. and for that I am blessed. I have idea like Nikk dose to talk and teach and provide ways to deal and cope before the situation comes along kinda thing. and am close to both my girls. and they are very close to me.
I have safe number to call .a good close friend in case i feel like it or think serious about it. they will come and be with me. and I do the same for her and i have done that too ... again THANKYOU BIZI!!!! I also have hot line number and the number of my counselor I last saw that released me from her "care". Those are good things to have. everyone should have number like that. I also have Sister Goofys number and Twinks, Curious and few others N.T. members... and I have all of my dear special family here to give me courage support and to lean on and understand me. all that is pricless JUST LIKE YOU ALFFE MOM!!!
PEACE
BMW.....
















Off to hide and lurk .I gotta message or 3 to reply to but kinda tired and that bath mistiis talked about looks inviting... no one is home and I can play music loud.