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02-03-2016, 12:19 AM | #31 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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It's so difficult But I will It is hard to let the lives you held when babies What happened It hurts so badly I have but no other choice Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Alffe (02-03-2016), barbo (02-05-2016), EnglishDave (02-03-2016), OhKay (02-03-2016), Wren (02-03-2016) |
02-03-2016, 08:59 AM | #32 | |||
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Elder
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You were able to get sober while your children were still young. I understand that you may still feel some guilt, and that they still may harbor some anger, but you should be very proud of yourself, forgive yourself, and not allow them to use that guilt against you. You are a good mother (and grandmother) and you deserve respect.
A loving mother will give of herself the best she can, but it seems like you have given to the point where you've let your children bleed you dry with no intention of repaying their debts. I'm so sorry for the stress money problems have had on you and your family. I hope that your daughter wakes up and realizes that her mother is a never-ending source of love, not money, starts repaying her debt, and gives you the apology you deserve. At some point, you are going to have to accept the fact that your children are just never going to repay their debts. Once you've come to terms with that, you can begin dealing with the other issues that might be causing rifts in those relationships if you choose to. Until then, as Dave said, take care of yourself and the little ones. Don't allow the others to manipulate and wound you. I know that you are vulnerable right now, and in a lot of pain, but I also know that you are strong. Please hang in there and know that we're here to listen. Kay |
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02-03-2016, 02:03 PM | #33 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
It is at that point I have reached I have called the person I owe the balance of the car No other obligations on my shoulders Resentment yes many And after all trials one must as I have and you very eloquently put it They are not going to pay me back This from my two eldest who both took me on a hell of a run So yes I am at that point Again uncharted feelings Though Once I make a decision I follow through I come for what I receive Feedback I take what I need and put the rest to rest Thank you for the wise words Mean more then you will ever know It's priceless I look for honesty This I know you put forth Thank you very much for that Love Me
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02-05-2016, 09:02 AM | #34 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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It almost should be unspoken
Not a word uttered Because one knows how badly the other Hurts I am so tired of crying It too wipes me out and I don't even get a start in my day For it has been like this for a long time Three maybe four years now It doesn't change much When dealing with an addict Such as myself My children soon followed I alcohol My children alcohol and drugs Nothing small time Always on a grand scale To the point of overdosing and getting the phone call It has been like this since Christine reached seventh grade Hell opened up The years that followed Corissa being born with a kidney problem This we found out when she was sick with fever at three and a half months She almost died Standing in the shower with her feeding her as the water rushed down our bodies to help bring the fever down Rampid with a kidney infection Two surgeries later and saving half of her kidney Corissa is soon to be eighteen Where did all those stressful days go Over a month and a half in the hospital transferred once to the hospital where the disease specialist doctor Michael Lamacia Will never forget him I just might send him a card to the MAN Christine still on a downward spiral as all this is going on I am in the school on top of it all Yet she fought me all the way With baby in tow Christine stole the show Then on a new road with a child at twenty two has her first seizure the years past The hospital stays I was there always at their side Never left them alone Ever I lost my job when Corissa became ill That was the deli and house era mid nineties Nineteen days in the hospital when she had brain surgery By the way what the "F" was wrong with my ex-husband He named her Broken am I just thinking about it Sorry I didn't cut it For I understand no family is clear of skeletons But Please Do not forget my children It was my job And I did it without thought I just did I was blessed to have become a mother And try to do what I knew to do I have done a heck of a job This only they and I know They need to step up with apologies Not second hand apologies They need to learn how to do the "forgiving" The kind that does not come back and it resurface and bite you in the butt No And please this mommy knows every facial expression on their faces when having done a forth step over and over again Because they did not like hearing the truth My children have had learned behavior inflicted upon them What the hell did I know in my late twenties and early thirties I knew plenty I had raised my baby sister I was nine when she was born It became my job I already cooking dinner for the entire family upon coming home from school and expected to keep up with school and the English language A little pat on my shoulder A letter to the deputy director of the human resources for families I have written of him briefly in my years on neuro talk Nevertheless I asked my shrink if I could get his feedback of it He was surprised to how well constructed I told him it took me five days to get it just right I was only a quater of the way in when reading it to him Now I'm tickled he was I don't know if surprised is the word I want to describe my initial feeling I was hoping he would see the message I was sending And I did not want to loose him as a reader to a very disturbing complaint towards a social worker Hoping it gets in his work file Picking and choosing a fight Why does it boil down to putting one in ones place I don't get it It sad It's very sad And my personality wants to make things right I MUST be very careful what I pick You can't pick family So I work with what we have I cannot tell you if I have the heart to let what happened when Sara returned the gift I had given to her And please this has zero to do with money But more the reasons when I gave it Was a terrible hurt Never did I ever Ever think she could do what she did Knowing the story behind the necklace I wear around my neck since April 1985 I still wear it as a reminder I made it without havi g to sell "it" As it represented much I am floored Sara did the same And she knows what she did And what it would do to me I worked hard to give my children the little I could How do I get the place to "forgive" such hate anger so help me How do I tell myself This should not be happening to you Eva I is especially surreal I am clueless what happened How do you forgive Clueless My shrink won't accept that I still very sorry to have a family that has scattered as they have Nothing but pain This heart feels the pain It is broken into such minute pieces Picking up the pieces impossible Oh how unappreciated I feel How used Betrayed Lied to Stolen from Comes from a terrible place I cannot explain how disappointed in them How do I forgive As I am the one who gets dumped on Love Me
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02-06-2016, 07:22 AM | #35 | |||
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Elder
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Dear Eva,
I had a lot of responsibility put upon me when I was young, too. I started the cooking and cleaning very young. I cared for my family members in life, and in death. We learn these roles, in our cases, the care-takers, very early. I'm also the child of two alcoholics, and I'm an alcoholic myself (over 6mo sober now). I have learned behaviors, but that doesn't absolve me of responsibility for my own actions. I will not lay the blame for all the mistakes I've made in my life at my parents' doorstep. My sister, a year older than me, grew up in the same home and she is a very sober person. I suppose some people are more predisposed to addiction than others. Some parents are unable to accept any kind of responsibility for how their addictions may have been a factor leading to their children's addictions. You, on the other hand, seem to be continuously torturing yourself I wish that all your children could see all the good that you have done for them, all that you have given up, and how much you love them. I wish you could feel the love and appreciation that you deserve wrapping around you like a warm, soft blanket. Please try to focus more on the little ones right now- the ones who show you that love and appreciation. It's so hard to look backwards at the big picture We can make things harder on ourselves by doing it too often When I read your posts, I realize how hard your life has been, and I can feel how much pain you are in. I hate the though that you may be suffering like this everyday... Please try your best to address the issues of the past in therapy and use the forum here to talk about the past and lean on us for support… But please try to live more in the present, Eva. The past is tearing you apart right now Kay |
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02-06-2016, 11:36 PM | #36 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Having the courage to let go and move on
As change continues to happen And the world goes round and round To pick myself up brush up a bit and continue to just do Things have changed in very big ways I will remain as sturdy as I can I have no wish to be in habitual pain of any kind I can go through life bitter at it all but I won't It will not get the better of me The night coming to an end As this flare up and bad weather has kept me in bed for most my time up Forcing myself the routine I go through every morning after I psych meditation take the meds that start a new day Looking forward to better weather Found a walking partner Will give it my best every morning Then as the weather warms I can take it into water I tend to feel better when march hits Yeah seasonal depression another one I want do much to grab this mental burden and just bury it This to o will take time And pray it too shall pass I will have walked away from my family for the first time So there again Never say never To a better way of handeling this burden Much of it did not have to happen Or did it I shall do my very best Me
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