...I'm not sure why I am putting this here. Maybe, thinking fewer people will read it. And, yet, I feel the need to write it. Whether or not I post it remains to be seen. Perhaps, too, because healing from it taught me a great deal about forgiveness, and how beauty can be born from tragedy, and terror. Although, for me, it has taken many many years, and is till on going. I hope and pray that this will not affect too many badly.

The boogey man in the closet that I posted about in another thread on 'the elephant' .....is quite real, and I know it is for others as well. That's why I hesitate to write about it. It is fear about what power he may still have over others, and how this post could touch on it. So, this post will be in the hands of the mods., and I will fully understand if it gets deleted.

Childhood trauma ~sigh

When I was five years old I was gang-raped by a group of rogue teenage boys in the neighborhood where we lived (very poor, and a bad section of the city) I had a disassociative reaction to it. I remember very well walking down the sidewalk and looking over at them. Then all I remember is sheer terror, and everything goes black....no memory of the actual event. My memory picks up at the hospital where I was treated. I have a very vague memory of the ambulance. I still have some fear of doctors, and don't like to be touched by them. But, all things considered, I think I do well. And I am getting better.

I remember my mother taking me to a child pdoc...I remember waiting to see her, but I don't remember much about talking to her. We never went back. I am one of six children, and my mother had her hands more than full. I don't think it matters, at this point, to delve into my family dynamics. It was just very hard for all around. And, now, in the later years of my life, I know that my parents did the best that they could, or knew how to do.

Life goes on...and mine did. I never understood why I didn't 'fit' in, or why I was always so afraid. I didn't understand the constant nightmares. There was so very much that I just didn't, nor could have been expected to understand. You just keep living, day in and day out. I was such a sensitive person. It was very hard to be around people. School was a nightmare. Children can be cruel. Teachers can be even worse. Fitting in just wasn't going to happen. And it wasn't because I didn't want it to. It just wasn't happening. There was no one to talk to. I was shy, quiet, and withdrawn. As I look back, I feel I must have been depressed early on. It would make total sense.

My mother was a very brittle diabetic, my father an alcoholic. I almost hate to paint this kind of picture, because I love my family very much. And we have grown up a lot together. Maybe this will give somebody else hope that healing can, and does happen.

Trying to explain why I felt I had no one to talk to, or to turn to. Everyone around me was trying so hard to survive. Being the oldest girl, I had a lot of responsibility placed on me. Unfortunately, I could never quite live up. I was never good enough. I could never clean well enough, etc etc etc. Everytime my mother would be hurt by my dad, I would try my best to reach out and comfort her only to be rejected time and again.

Its no wonder that by the time I was 12, (and this is just a glimpse) I didn't feel that life was worth living, and felt that I had no one to turn to. This is not where I had intended this to go. Except that forgiveness has allowed me to grow, to become closer to my family, despite all of it. They grew and changed as well. And there are beautiful moments with the bad.

Back to the beginning...it was only within the past year that, with the help of a good and wise friend at Church, I experienced what real forgiveness is, and what it can do. I feel like I have been on a slow healing journey from this 'rape' for all of my life. Small snatches of experiences throughout the years have allowed me to pick it up, examine it, see how it has affected me and my life, and learn how to deal with it. It has been such a slow process. And, at first, I became very angry with this group of guys for ruining me, and my life. But, of course, they did not, nor could they, ruin all of it. My mother finally revealed to me, at some point, that she had tried to bring them to justice. But one of them was the son of the chief of police, and they got off scott free. She also told me that we had had to move because of it. I didn't remember that. But, then, she would not have told me.

I was reading some scriptures with this friend when I realized that those guys really didn't get away with anything at all. I realized that they could even be suffering from that memory right now, wherever they may be. And, I thought about what the scriptures say, and all of a sudden I was filled with compassion for them. I didn't want them to suffer, or to be suffering now, or down the road, or after this life is over, because I couldn't forgive. It just made sense to me. I didn't want them to suffer. It was really that simple. And then, healing from this really began. And I began to see more and more how to deal with how it has affected my life. There will always be a wound, or scar, but it won't infect me anymore. I hope that makes sense.

Ok...we will see if it will submit........I feel brave.....think I will lurk for awhile too......

dearest mistiis,

I have tears all over me...and I am shivering like crazy here...

I don't have the right words right now...

you are awesome....

and your last paragraph touched me so much...

I just wanted to send you some ((((BIG BIG HUGS))))

((Mistiis)) I sit here in awe of your strength and courage. I could guess from the bits and pieces you have told us... I can only imagine how hard this was to share. My heart breaks for the little girl in you, and I just want to wrap you in healing protectiveness.

I am not as strong as you. Though I truly do care so much for all of you, I could never share my past. I don't think it makes me particularly weak, I think it is more that I have already been through the healing process you are in now and I just can't go back. It is so painful, but you truly DO come out "whole" on the other side. The love is stronger and "purer" It is difficult to put into words.

My reason for sharing that is though I can't talk about things that happened, I do want to share something about dissociative reaction or black outs as I experienced. I am not overly religious in that I don't practice the "politics" of organized religions, but I do have strong faith and belief.

I have rarely shared this with anyone, and hope I don't make you all think I am a nut.... but you know how you said you have no memory of the actual event? Well, I have a belief that explains why. I believe that not only does God bless us with black outs when things are so traumatically dreadful... I also believe we are "taken" somewhere to help us while it is happening.

I never thought anyone else quite understood what I was feeling... In 2000, a year after my diagnoses, when I was going through my darkest time with wishing I could end my pain, this song came out. It was written by Harley Allen and sung by John Michael Montgomery .......... I think I should stop talking now, and just let those who wish to, listen to the song.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijs2iignd5Y



She said I know that man up there on that cross
I don't know His name
But I know He got off
Cause He was there in my old house
and held me close to His side.............

Thank you (((MOI))) and (((NIKKI))) .....I can't tell you how much your love, and care mean to me. This is just not something one can talk very easily about. Its something I have had to get through on my own, except for my friend at church. 7 years of counseling and therapy to recover from that thyroid disaster, but no one to help me with this. Well, I shouldn't say no one because, yes, He is there, always has been, and always will be. We have a very intimate relationship. Ever since I was little. I think you are right Nikki. He has always been by my side. I had no one else. Now, I have friends like you and my sweet Moi, and so many others here. And I know they will understand. I hope so anyway. This is not a pretty thing to think about or look at. If I had someone else to go to I wouldn't bring it here. But then I think about all those other people out there who don't have anyone either. And I want them to know that we are here for them. And that they are loved......

(((MOI))) your sig made me laugh right out loud this am.....I just love you to pieces......

(((((mistiis))))

You are amazing ... a survivor and an inspiration ... and such a warm, caring person.



p.s. you brought me back from 'just reading' for over a month and I finally signed in today.

Well look who's back! *grin

(((Scrabble))) it truly is good to see you here. I am only as strong, and as inspired as my friends....we struggle together, and hold each other up

But most of all for sharing a snippet of Your life
with the world
Brave you are
A place of true healing
Is in truly forgiving
Love
Me

Stopping the hurt
I might as well have done away with myself
I am numb after what transpired yesterday
I will never forget it
My eldest struck me with the ham bone I was sending home with her for my dog
My daughter became vicious and never have I seen her so out of control
I have been a great mother to my children
After yesterday and what was said to me over monies that my children owe me over the years of helping them
And I mean in their adult life
I have tried and tried and asked for forgiveness of any pain I may have caused them in my drinking days
And let me just say
I was lucky that my children did not get killed by things that happens when one drinks
I have said all I could and showed them and taught them
Never did I see the ugliness money has caused this family to show their true colors
They are adults now
I will not reach out anymore it hurts too much to be around them
I ask my daughter when would it be that she was going to have this talk she promised me referencing to the obligation on paying me back the monies she owed
Well that was the end of whatever mother daughter relationship I have had with her
Her siblings did not like who she became and are estranged from each other
This family sicker than sick
However the fact of the matter is between both of them and what they owe me is enough to pay my car off twice
Why do I have to beg walk on eggs shells when brining up the subject
What my eldest did yesterday I will never forget as long as I live
Several years back
When Sara still lived with us
one year a gift given to her by me as appreciation for all she has gone thru and her help throughout her time as a member of the family
She made the same move her father pulled back way back to 1984
A beautiful solid gold necklace I had purchased him
A piece he threw back at me in a physical confrontation
Never did I give it back to him
It is one of the few pieces I still have and have worn it as a reminder never to make the same mistake again
It being a solid piece as is the necklace bracelet and ankle bracelet took it off yesterday handed it to me and said
"This should pay back what I owe"
I said really
You would give up what I have you as a gift with the meaning behind it killed me
I seen her father all over again
Then proceeded to say that should cover it
Never will I be paid back the money I gave my children
As they asked I gave with a clear understanding
Apparently that isn't the case
I had a very difficult time to see the kind of ugliness come out of her
It felt unnatural
Yet it REALLY WAS REAL
SURREAL
THIS IS NOT MY CHILD
YES SHE IS
WHAT HAPPENED TO HER
I ASKED IF THERE WAS ANYTHING
I owed her in ANYWAY
The answer was no
What is even sadder in the bigger picture
Cory was having her braces put on for the very first time
Arrangements were made
Big sister would be there to meet her
Well
Corissa went through it herself
Did not want to tell me her sister was not there while having then put on
This made me a little nuts
If I would have known
I would have stuck it out and would have sat through it
It turns out that technology moved up
They weren't anything like when my adult children got their braces
Another reason big sister was going in my place
Big sister is thirty five

I cannot allow myself to accept the behavior set before me and stand for it

Never have I abandon them
Never did I not help them when asked and if I could
Never did I say NO to my children
Never did I lie to my children
Never did I not encourage my children
Never did I allow another person to come into my life without the thought not the father of my children
Just did not feel right nor did I practice it
My choice
I then sobered up when they were still young
In grammar school
Damage done that only an alcoholic understands
It still is something my kids then looked forward to
Me getting tipsy
How they got over on mom
Yeah they told me the things they did
Yet even in drinking days I knew what it did
Way tooooooo much for me to now in hindsight could handle alone
And with and by the GRACE OF GOD I made it this far
And they still come looking for stuff when situations with us are not good
I have come to the truth of the fact I will never have what is owed me be understood
I have to let go of the idea i will ever receiving a penny from them and move on
I am so hurt emotionally having had a family that is divided
All over money
The root of ALL EVIL
the car is something I need
Corissa will continue her education and will need a car
I also want to change my will
My lawyer passed on
A will made before his death has Sara as power of attorney
Because my children allowed my life insurance policies to lapse
Does not leave much
However I want to leave everything of my life acquirements to go to my youngest Corissa
Any and everything
This decision was not hastily made
Just the hard true fact
I do not want a funeral
When I die
I am to be burned
Who gives a s**t if I rot
I don't
I cannot erase what went down yesterday
All because I asked when will she begin restitution
She asked me during the holidays to wait and after the holidays pass I would hear from her
And because I heard from the person I owe four thousand to
as she loaned me the balance needed to purchase it
It was paid off
But I still have this one obligation I am responsible for

When she through the gift back
I put it on Corissa and told her
Not a hand me down
If she wanted it it is hers
She understands the value of what she is wearing
But most importantly she understands why I won't sell it
I will pay off my obligation the best I can
And pray this horrible horrible situation be the end of it
I will not let my children hit or mentally tortured me anymore
This to shall pass
Never to be forgotten
I cannot force them to do what is right
What is wrong WITH ME
I KEEP LETTING THESE HURTFUL THINGS be spoken about
Nobody wants to step up to the plate
The baby and Corissa all seen what transpired upon asking her to please leave
I was not feeling well
My meds were due and was not physically up to any of what was happening
I still feel weighted in the center of my chest
Gone
out of my life is where my adult children are
No more let's call mom and torture her even more
I have officially put an end to it
So much for family I worked so hard at
Time to let go
My dog I will never see again
My son I do not want to see anymore
He has crossed to many lines
I have no one to blame letting this go
is the hardest thing I will have done
I will now call my friend and explain what it is
I am capable of doing
So hurt
So so so sad
It is just like a family of suicide
I am so tired
Now to fight the fight
Can't give up
Corissa needs me
Eva needs me
Her mother does not even want to call her at seven every night
Am I doing something wrong here too
Just what I was told
It's never enough what I do
And do on so many levels
Sad
Me

((( eva b )))