Yes ((Alffe's)) words keep ringing in my mind.... let go, let God....

Perhaps I am doing this without fully being aware of it.

I keep thinking how when Dad took his life, I had this same overpowering need to get in the car and drive and drive........ but, then I had a plan for when I stopped. I was going to drive far enough away so my family would not know, so they would not hurt as Dad has hurt me.

I no longer have a plan, it isn't that the thoughts are not there... I think it is normal to have these thoughts. Living IS harder than giving up....... but I wont do as Dad did.

But, that need, that overpowering urge to get in that car.... to just drive far enough and long enough that I don't have to feel all of this anymore... it is taking everything I have not to do just that.

David you once said "when the storm gets worse I volunteer to be your raincoat " The storm is here, and I find I am in need of all the raincoats I can find.

Thank you all for being here

I love you.

My dearest Nikki....emotions are a very strong driving force. I know how hard it can be to just sit with them. You feel that you must do something or it will drive you.....I don't have any easy answers, I wish I did. Have you seen your doctor? Sometimes, we simply need that extra help to get us through the really bad moments. Please listen to some of the music- write-pray-take a hot bath-talk, we are listening, and praying dear friend....

I was having an exceptionally difficult time yesterday, it was snowing... and though I tried with everything I have, I wasn't able to go visit with Mom. Sleep wouldn't come and I found myself looking through Dad's briefcase, touching everything he held dear. Holding his war metals ...... and just wishing to God he had been able to win his last battle. I simply broke.......

I then went and got the tote where I keep some of Dad's clothes and his jacket. I keep them all sealed air tight to keep his scent for as long as possible. I slept with his jacket last night. I haven't done that in a long time…..

I awoke in the wee hours before dawn to my Dad's voice .... he was singing to me......... God but he had such a beautiful voice! It was the same song I heard over and over in mind those first weeks after he died............. I am not going to put a link to the song, as it was my Dad's voice I heard singing it...…….But the song is Ohh Child. I swear I could still feel him brushing away my tears. Dad isn't here.... yet somehow... some way... he still finds a way to bring me comfort when I need it most. Today, will be a good day

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier

Ooh-oo child
Things will get brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it undone ........................

Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun ...........................

Waiting for that some day

Awwwww dear Nikki...love is the tie that binds, through it all, no matter what, such strong love is eternal....he is not there physically but he knows and he is there.... I luv u...

Oh Nik-key. We love you so much. Steve

I'm glad you can still hear your Dad singing to you. And such a perfect song, too. (((Nikki)))