I wonder if I am ready to share this? But, then again... I wonder if one can ever be ready.....

As a child I loved the snow, joy would bubble in my heart whenever it magically drifted down covering my world like sparkling fairy dust. The memories of childhood ...snowmen built, snow angels, snowball fights and family sledding trips are forever tattooed in my memories.

As I grew I learned snow wasn't fairy dust. I learned what children can't and shouldn't see beyond their delight. With snow comes worries .....of driving, of loved ones as they travel, loss of power, large heating bills, downed trees etc etc.... and I knew my Dad hated it.

All these years I thought he had what we in the North call cabin fever. I knew it effected his moods, I knew he got down... but I did not know it went deeper. I knew it made him depressed, I knew he would curse the snow. I knew it troubled him enough, that I always made a point to call him whenever we had a storm... I could always make him chuckle....... Now, too late.... I researched and believe he had SAD, a fitting acronym.

Upon hearing we were having yet another March storm, Dad's last words were.... yeah, I think I have had enough.......... he then went outside and shot himself. I have thrown up every time I have seen snow falling since that day. When the storm is over, I look at the snow on the ground with deep hate and loathing.

I know it isn't what made him take his life, but perhaps, it was the last drop to "overfill his cup". I assumed my reaction was because of Dad's hate of the snow.

My therapist is a lovely person, but of little help. All she does is nod, the only words she says is thing like go deeper, expand on that etc.. I went to her for answers, but it seems I am suppose to find these answers on my own. This ****** me off at first, until the day a couple of weeks ago when I found out the real reason I throw up when it snows....................

I was once again talking about my reaction, how Dad hated the snow, and how I now hated it too. We have talked on this many many times......... except this day... I started yelling, swearing and crying.......... and it came out.......

*crying.................... deep breaths................*

We had record breaking snow last year, the snow banks in Dad's yard were at least 10 feet high................. all around him, save for the path he shoveled....... he was surrounded by the snow he so hated.........

He shot himself in that snow.

He died in that snow.

I see him in that snow..........

What I see......... God help me!

Damn! that was hard........ I am going back into lurking...........