Hi Junie - I've read your posts about your upbringing and some of the horrific experiences and one thing I can see, above all, is that you are a survivor!

Yes, even writing down your story here shows you are a fighter and thus, willing to seek out help and support to survive! Good for you - that is a huge step.

I know you are tired of the fight - its perfectly understandable as you have literally been knocked down at every point in your life starting with your horrific years as a child and teenager.

I honestly wish that there was a test people should be forced to take before becoming parents as it is obvious your parents truly did not deserve to have children. They likely were part of a cycle of abuse which started long before you were in the picture and because they simply did not know any better, they continued the abuse.

You sound like a very smart woman, Junie... and you also sound very tired. You have fought a tough battle and to have physical ailments on top of the mental abuse must make things even more difficult for you. I hear your cry for help but don't have the answers you need. I think the answer is inside of you Junie.

The answer is to love yourself and as difficult as that may sound, you ARE doing it by writing here.

My Dad was an alcoholic but I had a brave mother who left him when I was 9 years old. Nonetheless,I truly think that I spent much of my life (I'm 55 tomorrow!) wanting to save my daddy (he sadly died an alcoholic). Although I didn't live your cycle of abuse, I do think I understand the love we have for our parents, no matter how unsuccessful they are at being parents.

My first real love relationship with a man was when I was 19 - and when he broke up with me, I was devestated and swore that I would never love anyone more than they loved me. So, at 23, I married a man who loved me more than I loved him. Sadly, he drank, too... and it took me 22 years to leave him. I was so wrecked by not having a "normal" father and so destroyed by my first love ... and never loved myself.......

Thankfully... somewhere, along the way, I discovered myself and healed... and am still healing... being a human is NOT easy.

I have found a huge wealth of support here on this forum - and have for about 10 years (there was an old forum before this one)... I remain faithful to my friends here because they have always been here for me.

They are here for you now dear lady.

Take our hands - hold onto them.... and spill out your soul. We're here for you.



Addy

I am sorry but I am not very trusting right now, when I see links with the advice to go there I take it as I am too much trouble to deal with. Hopefully in time I will get past that, I just wish I had stayed here and never left to try and make things work with my family maybe I would have been much further along then I am now. One more time I put my needs aside for my family and I don't plan on doing it again. I am like one big exposed raw nerve right now and its hard to trust anyone. I am working on that by coming here everyday.

I am sorry, I posted before I saw yours and my dad too was an alcoholic and I remember time after time trying to win his approval and attention but never did, as for mom, I simply got lost in the crowd, but I do remember dad telling me over and over I was supposed to be a boy and he let me know what a disappointment I was just being a girl and I am sure thats why I always wanted a daughter (never had one) and why I alway dated men old enough to be my father, still looking for daddy's love??


I too used to belong at the other site, was afraid to post since I saw so many get banned, so I came here when they were shut down and for awhile was doing good, until I put my family ahead of my needs once more! I don't really need info about disability, was just asking if people thought I would be wrong to keep this to myself and have a nest egg for security??


For anyone afraid for me, well I have already been at the edge of the cliff and decided not to jump, at this point I am not sure if it makes me strong or weak, but have no [plans of going back there! I really am grateful for all that has tried to help, but right now I am still having trouble knowing who wants to help, and who wants to push me away??