You are very brave too, dear (((Barbo))) wish there were more people in this world like you. :hug:

I could have written the first part of this, until it got into the other stuff:) Its sad, funny and weird that in a twisted way I can get comfort from knowing that there are people out there that really knows inside how it feels to be me. Its not a good place to be and I have to say that for me I know it was the praying that got me thought and still is and if you knew me you would know I never believed very much in that sort of thing! Until now that is, but don't worry, I won't go Kookoo and join a cult:) Anyway I do understand now and get it like I never did before!
I really believe the more people really shared the more it would help everyone!
Thanks again,
Junie!

((Mistiis)) :hug: I love you :hug:

I wonder what it means in this mixed up head of mine... that I have never felt shame because Dad took his life. I know in my heart he tried as hard as he could, for as long as he could.

When he took his life last March, I had immense anger. I find now that my family, that I , need him the most, my anger levels are right back.

I wonder that the only shame I feel....... is that I recently, think of my strong, brave, highly decorated war hero, Dad ....... as a coward. I don't like these thoughts. It rips me up that I have them. But I will not pretend I don't have them. You can't work through feelings if you hide them.

I talk to him a lot. He and God. I question many things, I demand answers even though I know I will never get them. Last night while sitting on my hands, rocking fiercely back and force to try to rid my mind of its thoughts... I told Dad over and over what a coward he was. That is the only shame I feel