I called you around 7 tonight... Hope you got my message and well will try again tomorrow my Angel Friend Warrior but i know how busy things are so. . .
do not stress about catching the call
MMMMkay just take care of you and know how much we care and Love you and how important and special you are to tiny Tina here .
yes yes I will be giving you some home work!! so keep an eye out .


May God be holding Lynn and wrapping him in comfort and safety so he feels secure and peaceful. May God keep you in his palm and help you threw this very hard time giving you strength courage and inner peace. Blessing to you both.

luv ya angel friend warrior Nikki. praying you get a good nights rest

Dear Nikki,

I have been out of it for a couple of days (pain) but have caught up with the posts and am sorry the admission process didn't go well, but so relieved that things are a little better now. You are right about the adjustment-and it is ongoing-there will be so many ups and downs. But you have done the best thing for him and you can use that as a solid fact to keep you centered, when everything is whirling around you and bobbing up and down-just keep repeating it to yourself like a mantra,

"I am doing the right thing". "I am doing the right thing".

It is one of the few things in this situation that you had the power to steer-and you so bravely did so. "You did the right thing. You did the right thing."

If none of my words are helpful, just forget them and remember these:

Hi, Nik...I'm so sorry to hear about everything that's been happening with you and Lynn. I, too, worked with Alzheimer's patients and, yes, you're right...it is absolutely the worst thing in the world. I loved my work, though, and I can honestly say that the 8 years I spent at that job were the very best years of my life. I loved all of the patients as if they were my own family. (OK, in my case......more than family!) I'm just saying, though, that for the most part the people who work there are there because they truly love their work and their patients. Know that. I know that it was a very hard decision for you to make but you had to do it for YOU. And this way, you will be better able to care for him because you are a whole person.....does that make any sense right now???

I'm sorry that I haven't been around for you....or for others lately. I've been selfish and kind of "off in my own little head" for awhile...it just seems to be a safe place to hang out. I'll be around, though, and I will be more "technologically savvy" from now on - just got the laptop fixed, so I'm back up to no good.

I love you forever, Nik. Don't forget that. Forever is a LONG time.....you're stuck with me!

Mother of God!!! This is soul shredding! I went in today and he was pacing the halls with our photo album held close. When he saw me, he leaned against the wall and put his hand over his face, trying to stop himself from crying. It took EVERYTHING I HAVE!!! Not to scoop him up and run for the closest exit. This is so damn unfair, tragic and down right cruel!

My Dad would say sometimes, .... there are worse things than death. And sometimes one can live too long.

With my physical pain, I got the first part. There were times I prayed God would take me just so the pain would stop. Now, I understand what he meant by, one can live too long. This last year has brought my heart more pain than my soul can bear. I am not sure I am going to make it. I know I don't want to.

I want Lynn released from his hell. I hate Alzheimer's with every fiber of my being!!!! I do not want to be here to watch as it continues to ravage my poor husbands mind and body. I can't take it! How am I suppose to survive? We are not talking 6 months to a year. He has been taken from me inch by bloody inch for years and years and years! It could be many more years of this slow torturous death before God calls him home. Where is the mercy!!! It is just too wrong for words!!!

A minister was talking about the love of God on the radio I brought for Lynn. I threw it across the room. Don't talk to me about love of God! THIS IS NOT LOVE! If this is God's love, I don't want it. And that ****** me off too. Because my faith brings me peace. The only way I am surviving my Dad's suicide is because I believe he is in Heaven with no more pain. I am ****** off, heartbroken, and falling apart.

Damn but I am a mess. My doctor wanted to see me today, but I had an appointment with Lynn's doctor. I can't go Monday because that is when the psyche team evaluates Lynn. I promised I would go on Tuesday. And I will because I have to be able to take care of Lynn.

March.......... how am I going to make it though this AND March? I am so mad at Dad right now! I told him today, was your pain so great that you could leave me in such pain? Did you love me so little? Please don't defend his actions to me... I GET IT! I KNOW why one would want to end it.... but damn it, look what his suicide has done to me! I will never be whole again. Never.

Sigh, I don't even know what I wrote... I just know this is a safe place for me, and I need to get some of this out before it destroys me

((((((Nikkey)))))))

Go ahead and let it out....every thought and hurt and anger and sadness...

*holding you and letting you scream it all out...

I also rage against that horrible disease.....and the agony and unfairness of it....

I hurt for you and Lynn.....

I wish I knew what I could say that would help you get through this time of adjustment and change and pain...

Moi and I hold you in our love and prayers

the depth of grief is a measure of the depth of the love

Nik, I know this doesn't sound like much right now, but I'm sending you lots of hugs and I wish that I could be with you. I sometimes wonder where God is, too, but I know he's there....just like the wind. And I don't understand a lot of things; some things are just way beyond ANY understanding in times like these. Yes, it's easy for the one not having the problem to say "those things"....but there are some things we just won't ever understand...nor do we have to. Just know that you do have us - all of us - and you can say whatever you want to us. (I've been known to rant and rave a time or two!) And we love you always; I seriously doubt that you could shock anyone. Today I told my priest something that I thought for sure would've had him reeling and running for the door...but he cried! So, if he's un-shockable, I guess we all are!!!! Just kidding...

Holding you dear Nikki
Let it out, we are here
Holding you both very close to me in prayer...

you have every right to be angry Nikkey.... I'd like to echo what has already been said..... just remember we love you!!!!

I thought I would drop in real quick, I feel badly that I can't offer support to others right now.. I tried to read some other posts, but my heart just isn't in it. I started some medication and see my doctor tomorrow.

Lynn is not adjusting well. They have him on suicide watch. The staff tells me he spends most of his time looking for me, but that he is calm and friendly. They say all things considered he isn't doing too badly.

Yet, Every day when I get there he tells me how miserable he was without me. How he would rather be dead. Can we go home now? Tears and heartache. How is it his mind is so confused about everything else!! But, in this he is so clear. ACCCCCK!

Every day I must tell him we have to stay there. That I am too sick to go home. When I am not there, they tell him I am seeing my doctor or having a "treatment". He always asks if he can go see me. They say he does well, and is easily redirected.

But, every day when he sees me.. he begs me not to leave him again. He says he will stay there forever, if I only stay with him. He tells me how he walked for 2 miles, but turned around because he didn't want me there alone. Of course he didn't, it is a locked unit.... his poor mind.

The other day he told me he was in the bathroom with a butter knife. Was he? Who knows! He makes up stories, he doesn't know fact from reality. All I know is the thoughts are there, and I made sure everyone knew it! *Sigh
He is miserable, depressed. They tell me he has never cried with them, that he is never overly sad. Perhaps that is true? But, when I get there he tells me over and over how torn up he is, that he would rather be dead.

It took absolutely everything I have not to bring him home. I would rather be hit every single day than to see him this way. His family and the staff asked me to wait until he sees the psyche doctor today. Very easy to ask when they are not the ones who sees his pain and misery.

Somehow, I found the strength to keep him there. I will talk to the psyche team today. I am trying to give him a chance to adjust, but there just HAS to be something they can do to help him! If they can't, he is coming home. I know it is too much for me. My doctor said but Nikki, it could kill you!

Can no one hear me? Watching him this way is killing me!! Dad's words keep echoing in my mind... there are worse things than death.

I will try to get on in the next couple of days ... I know how much you all care, but I also know you understand that I am withdrawing into myself. I am trying hard not to... I need to be here.
Much love to all of you And many thanks for everything!