So glad to have word of you two. (((Nikki))) Does he have a radio in his room...an old station that plays music? Something you could listen to together...sing along with. Music seems to soothe and make a connection with so many people in nursing homes. My dad could be easily distracted by offering up an alternative..."do your toe nails need cutting?" or by me bursting into song...Daisy, daisy...give me your answer do....or You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....etc

He had a cleaning lady that was a former student of his and she was crazy about him....that helped..making a new friend who is also a resident. You could make someones acquaintance with him...there are so many layers of altzheimers....if you could find someone he might relate to on some level..that could become a familiar face besides yours that he misses and waits to see.

Thinking of you both and sending prayers.

(((Nikki))) I thought about you when I saw there was going to be an ICN presentation on coping with Alzheimer's. I wondered if this might help....

From the University of Iowa ... Alzheimer's Disease - A Caregiver's Guide

NIk-key,

I am going to throw out some suggestions-there might be one you can use.
Sometimes they get stuck on a theme or a "story line". One thing that helps my daughter is that I feed her the story line or theme. I practice it with her-we talk about it over and over before I leave-and then, the next time I go, when I first get there, I start right in with the story. I start feeding her the lines we kind of rehearsed the last time or on the phone.

It kind of sounds like it is an artificial conversation-but in actuality, sometimes it gets the visit off to a better start and then we CAN have a nice conversation about something other than how much she misses me and why can't I bring her home.

Food is also something you can use-talk about bringing it-maybe his favorite candy or cookies. The nurses can talk about it when you are not there-"she is out buying you some Oreos" And then when you show up-you have it to give to them and the beginning conversation can center on that.

Some things that help me when I get to wondering if she has any good times when I am not there: I leave a disposable camera for them to take pics of her when she is having a calm day. Also, it helps if I ask for one of her favorite staff members to do something with her while I am there-and I can see how she does interact OK with them. It also puts some good images of her in my mind to replace some of the bad ones.

One more thing: You mentioned you would gladly suffer the physical stuff to be able to have him home. I feel the very same way. And I had bruises and scratches for years just to keep her home. But even though she wants to be home very badly, her actions at home did more than put me at risk-it put her at risk-of injury or even a crises situation where she possibly would not have been treated with kindness or expertise by responding crises management people. It also left her more vulnerable to stays in psych wards.

I guess another "one more thing". If his written plan of care includes adequate/effective steps to be taken if he has problems-there is an increased chance it can be handled on his ward instead of an emergency transfer to a psych ward or hospital. Something in writing is worth a million times more than a verbal statement.

Again, thank you all for your help and support. This would be soooo much easier if Lynn didn't have Alzheimer's. He has zero recall so a lot of these wonderful suggestions just won't work. sigh

Due to the snow storm the psyche evaluation was canceled. accccck. We are to meet with the team tomorrow. It is taking every thing I have to keep him there. EVERYTHING!

I am close to a melt down... I was told I had to stop spending so much time there. It is so hard. I was spending 8 to 10 hours a day with him. It was killing me. Now I go for a 3 t0 4 hour visit. Not being with him is just as hard in many ways.

My doctor visit yesterday reveled that my serotonin levels are dangerously low. I was told this happens when one lives with extreme stress for too long. (when I feel stronger I am going to post more about this) The short version is extremely low serotonin causes severe depression. I was given medications to help raise these levels.

They say it takes a couple of weeks to help, just in time as I will need all the help I can get to help me through the anniversary date of Dad's suicide (March 14th)

k, again, but wanted to check in.

Much love my friends

((Nik-key)) I don't know what to say. I think those suggestions are good ones and they are for Alzheimer's patients.

I've had virtually non-existent serotonin for as long as I can remember and have to take antidepressants or I would totally fall apart. I'm glad they are giving you those and yes, they can take awhile to work but not always. I've had quite a few friends who in stressful times took antidepressants to help see them through a rough spot, and they were able to stop taking them after about 6 months or so. Me, I'm on them all the time.

I hope you feel better soon and take the advice to not spend so much time there, as hard as that may be, for both of your sake's.

We love you!

And you don't need "recall" to sing. Remember, you are not alone.

Nikki, I'm so sorry for your pain of heart. I think that emotional pain is far worse than physical pain. I know from going through both that I word rather have the physical...I can a least take a pain to put the pain at bay.

I don't really know what to say...I have a music video I want to share with you. I don't know if it will help but I know that it will give you a knowlege that your not alone or that this is not impossible...hope it opens ok for you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxZtmdRu8nM

((doody)) they are great suggestions and I very much appreciate you posting them for me

I think these were written for people faced with placing their parent or grandparent. It is different placing a spouse. Or maybe it is just me? All I know is he is my husband and there is no way I could just see him for a 10-15 minute visit.

It was my doctor who told me to spend less time there. He is worried about me surviving the transition. The nursing home feels I help Lynn by staying. I think the hardest part of all of this is how clear he is about wanting to go home. He thinks nothing is wrong with him. You just can not reason with an Alzheimer's victim.

For 3 years I was not allowed in our bedroom, his mother didn't allow girls in his room.... for over a year he hasn't known my name. Most times he called me mom. accck. He doesn't know his children, or that he even has children. He thinks he is much younger than he is, lately he is 41-42.

But, Now that he is in the home, he knows I am his wife! He has never called me by my given name- Nicole, in all our 24 years together. Never! But now he calls me Nicole. Now he wants me to lay with him and cuddle. Now, he tells me how much he loves me. How much he just wants to go home. Why can't we go home?

NOW!!! Why does he know me now when he is so bad I had to place him? The answer the doctors are giving is it is the trauma he is going through, and separation anxiety. It is so traumatic for him, that he is able to remember me. To some, that may be a blessing. To me, it is ripping my frigging heart to pieces!

Lynn never did like music. I tried singing, he told me to shut up But it was worth a shot ((Alffe)) He can't make a friend, as every time he sees someone, even if he has met them 5000 times, he doesn’t remember them and thinks it is their first meeting. sigh

((Tammy)) thank you I tried to watch the video, I am sure it is beautiful... but I am angry with God at the moment, so couldn't watch the whole thing. I will try again later when I am not in such a bad place.

K, time to dry my tears, put on a fake smile and face another day of torture.
I know he needs to be there. I know it, but it is taking every ounce of everything I have to keep him there. I think I have come to a decision... I am going to wait out the average adjustment time, if he is still this miserable, I am bringing him home.

Thankyou all for being here with me

(((Nikki))) One day at a time dear lady. What is that saying about God smiling when we have a plan?.....I am remembering my dad's anger at my mom (his wife) for moving him there...I am remembering the middle of the night phone calls from him....You come and get me RIGHT NOW!!
Funny how he could remember how to dial the phone...until we had to remove it from his room. The peaceful pacifist dad who didn't have a mean bone in his body, throwing things at my mother.

Altzheimers is the strangest disease...everyone is different, every case is heartbreaking.

Nikki, come in here and share your grief and pain with us....let us try to lighten your load. Sending you prayers.

Nikki, I am so sorry that this move has been to traumatic for both of you. Hard to believe he is now using your name after years of forgetting. *sigh

Tammy's video make my eyes leak (that rarely happens). So touching.

I believe the doctor has YOUR best interests at heart. Your long visits are no doubt because of your intense love for Lynn. And guilt for placing him there.

I'm certainly no expert, but wonder if he might be able to adjust faster if your visits were shorter. Just sayin...I know you are fiercly loyal to him and admire you for that. But consider that it might be in HIS best interest to allow him to adjust to his new caregivers without you there.

Alzheimer's patients, even though their memory is severly limited, do better on a fixed schedule. Arising and getting dressed at the same hour, then eating, etc. Schedules are really good for them. Perhaps by limiting your visits, it will allow Lynn to get on a fixed schedule.

I'm thinking of sending Kindergartners to school: we would be doing them a disservice by insisting that we stay by their side. The teacher wouldn't be able to gain their trust if we were always there.

I don't know, Nikki. Just thinking out loud here. Hoping something one of us says will resonate with you and help you two make an easier transition. Although, from what you describe, it has been tortuous for both of you. I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Lynn must be quite a remarkable man to have earned such intense love from you. Things have just GOT to get better! And don't give up on God. He hasn't given up on you. And He hasn't deserted you. Maybe He's just waiting for you to listen.

Sometimes in desperation we feel the need to DO something. We make ourselves feel useful by having a hands-on approach. Maybe its time to "Let go and Let God." Trust Him and trust the new caregivers. Of course they won't do as good a job as YOU, dear Nikki. But give them a chance to care for Lynn. And allow yourself to concentrate on something that doesn't involve him. It might be time to spend some time volunteering at the Suicide Prevention project you described a couple of months ago.

We worry about you, dear Nikki! I think all of us who posted here would agree that you can't continue to enter the ring and beat yourself up day after day. It's time to reclaim your life. Your life, not Lynn's. If it were possible for love to bring him back, that would change everything and we'd expect that you'd continue to be with him as many hours a day as you possibly could.

You said he can't make friends. That's nonsense! My dear mother with advanced Alzheimer's made a girlfriend! No one else understood their conversations, but they were both agreeable and loved each other. They happened to be exactly the same size and weight (112 lbs.), so when Mom passed away, we gave all her clothes to that friend in the assisting living facility. (EDITED to say: Now that I think back, that lady's family purposely did NOT visit her, which I thought was harsh. The CNA's said it was because it got her all agitated. After reading your experience with dear Lynn, I think I understand better.)

I hope I haven't said anything to offend you, dear Nikki. I trust that you'd be frank with me or anyone else in a similar situation. I'm on your side, dear woman. I stand in awe at your love and devotion to Lynn. Please know you are always in my prayers. Be well, and do something for yourself today. Go out and buy a pair of shoes to show him next visit!