No surprise, I can't sleep. I keep going through everything... the pros and the cons... and then going in circles. Should I , shouldn't I?

I think the hardest part for me is the worry if he will be ok. Will he adjust? Will he cry? Will he plead to come home? How do I find the strength to walk away and leave him there in that kind of pain? I'm not sure I can!

Like I said in other posts, I have had to separate him into two people. "My Lynn" who is gone, who I will always love. And this poor bugger trapped in Alzheimer Hell. I love this stranger he has become, because he holds the ghost of my husband. I love him because he is an innocent victim, and I want to protect him.

Goofy, Moss and Koala... do most patients adjust? What will the staff do if he cries? Is there a game plan? Do they divert him? I know what they told me.. but I want to know what you have seen and lived. In short, I trust you more.

One thing I really like about this nursing home is unlike the others I visited who would send him to the psyche ward at the hospital if he has an "episode" - at this place they have their own doctors right there who would adjust and monitor his medications. They have doctors on call 24/7.

I just want what is best for him! If I could only know he would adjust and be as happy as he could be. He has such little quality of life here. He loves his dogs and clings to me. He is up only when I force him .. other than that he would stay in bed all day and night!! I just don't have the skills he needs.

I keep thinking I am failing him. I know that sounds ludicrous... I would tell anyone else the same thing. But this is me, judging me... and I am a hard judge. I feel if I have anything left, anything! I have not done my best. I have let him down.

Alzheimer's has become my personal war. I have fought it for years, every day -blow for blow.. sometimes I even win a battle or two. Even knowing this is a war I could never win, I still had to try! Now, the war is over, and Alzheimer's has won........

I keep thinking, others have had to do this, ((Sue)) I can't imagine ..... but others, are not me, and they are not Lynn. I am going to lay down, TRY to - let go -let God............

Again, thank you all so much for being here for me

Nikki-Would it be possible for you to stay there for awhile-a few days for example? Until he is kid of settled in. Have them give you a cot for the night.
And then you could spend increasingly amounts of time in the lounge-checking on him whenever you felt you needed to or wanted to. And then gradually spending more and more time away from the facility. maybe at first-just drive down to a nearby coffee shop for a snack. And gradually increase it until you felt like staying home overnight.

I always felt better leaving copious notes written out legibly and organized into subjects. Even if the caregivers did not read them, it showed them how much I cared and I think that made them take a little special care.

Having them use blankets and pillows from home made me feel better anyway. They looked more comfy and tucked in.

There always comes a time (and I know this both sides-as the family member who felt it-and as the nurse who saw the recognition in a family member's eye as to what just happened) when a loved one who was totally dependent on a family caregiver, suddenly grabs for the hand of the professional caregiver or leans into them for comfort or support or just simply has a fairly good day, considering~~~and a flash of jealousy and resentment snaps throught the air~~~"wait, that is my place". But it seems like soon after that is when you can feel like-"You know what? It's O.K. They are there for them. And that's O.K. I want them to be there for them."

One thing that might help is to not forget that you have options. Go day by day. The first day that you leave him, you will not be leaving him there forever. You are leaving him there for that day because that is the best choice that day. Then the next day, you are leaving him their for that day. It's not just semantics, it is the reality.

I think the fact that they are willing to not hospitalize for exacerbations will make all the difference in the world in terms of comfort and continuity of care.

Your dear hubby would not have wished this courageous job on you for the world-but he would be very proud of you for doing it.

((Sue)) such a beautiful post .. thank you They wont allow me to stay with him, there isn't room. It is only about 20 minutes from home, so I could visit him as much as I felt he needed, or I needed.

I know several of the nursing homes I visited thought I should stay away for the first week, possibly two- to make the period of adjustment easier for him. I know part of that is because I seem to be the target of the aggression. This nursing home has no policy, it is up to you. I don't want him to feel I am abandoning him! But I also want to make his adjustment as easy for him as I can. I think it is one of those things you just can't know until it happens.

See the thing is I had this all planned. By 6 months time I was going to have a bag all packed for him. I was going to blow up his favorite pictures for his walls, get him a couple of stuffed dogs, some of his clothes and his favorite painting of me... I was going to have it all ready for when this call came. Much like a woman packs a maternity bag in advance. So much for plans huh? Course I could still stick with this plan, but is that the best thing?

I just don't know....I am torn.

I like your day to day theory. Thank you It does seem so final doesn't it. I told my best friend, I feel like I am putting another nail in his coffin. I know it isn't true, but .... I am going to try your theory, see if it can settle my stomach down.

His nurse will be here at 9, I know she wants to talk to me. I also know she thinks it is time. The other reason she is coming is to look at Lynn's bed sore. I only found it because he had a bad bathroom accident and I had to help him clean up. He HATES this, he will not let me help him bathe. When I saw that bed sore, I burst into tears. I WANT to care for him, but he wont let me. I keep thinking if he was in a nursing home, they would have known....

Perhaps when I put all of your kind thoughts, the "experts advice" and what I know all together, it will give me strength to do what I know I should. I keep thinking, you will never be ready! And if you pass this up, you will just go through all of this again... sigh

Nikkey,
I prayed that God would give you some peace about this decision you are having to make.
When you said "I keep thinking you will never be ready and if you pass this up you will just go through all of this again"

You are so right about that. you will never be ready to put Lynn someplace else. I remember at work one day I was walking across that back parking lot and this lady and her daughter was walking away from the building that we have our memory care residents in. They both were crying. I asked them if I could help them and the older lady explained that she had just moved into the independent living and had put her husband in the alzheimers unit.

She just talked and talked and was saying the exact things that you have been saying. All i could do was listen and give her and her daughter a big hug and assure them that they had done the right thing.
Her name is JoAnn. It took about a week but Joanns husband did adjust. I dont think you need to stay away a whole week, but a couple days would make things easier for Lynn. And dont be surprised that the first time you visit That Lynn will tell you all the horrible things they are doing and how mean the staff is and how bad the food is...... (its not true!!!)

Lynn will get ALOT of stimulation there. We do many different activities with our residents and the nurses are constantly checking them making sure their physical needs are being taken care of. As you know its a 24/7 job and one person just can NOT do it alone.
Back to Joann.... her and I have become very close. She just recently had to move her husband to another facility. He is in the last stages of alzheimers and she moved him to the Veterans Center. They have a wing for memory care people and she got assistance from the Veterans to help with the financial end of it.
I agree with you about hating Alzheimers. Its an evil disease. It steals your mind and slowly shuts down your body. My thoughts are still pretty scattered. I wish I could put you in touch with Joann. She is such a neat lady. I have to leave for work, today is our valentines parties. It will be a very busy day for sure.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Nikki....

nik,

the tapestry of friends and their advices is just such, I think, that we take each person's experience and advice (bits of it) that correlate to us the most...it is like a cut and pasting, bits of this and parts of that and making it make sense to us...because we're all so different and no two people are alike...

hopefully, there would be enough from many here that care about you for you to be able to pull from here and there to help you make the decision you need to make...

in the end, if you are NOT ready, you are NOT ready...although you may never be ready...you know what I mean?? I think this is taking that "leap of faith" comes in...

If you were lead to a bridge by a stranger and that bridge is dilapidated and worn but he's telling you that it's OK to cross it and there's no way back, you might have to take that leap of faith by putting your trust in this stranger...

in faith, that Stranger is not a Stranger because some folks call him "God"

God is not a stranger, of course, but at times, he/she can seem far away. It can seem that he/she just isn't listening to our prayers or our pleas or what not...thus God him/herself becomes the stranger but deep within, the person of faith will finally put their trust in him/her...

maybe it is more of a percentage thing, right now you're 30/70...30% ready and 70% not ready..

perhaps you DO feel the need to wait until you're 70/30...if so, then that is so...

for me, I know that it takes great strength to hold on...but it takes a even greater strength to let go, sometimes...

I volunteered at a Children's hospital some years ago...and was lucky enough to have been there when one of them was near death and I got to held her hand when she passed for she and I have bonded like no other...it was very hard to let go once she's passed but it was a gift....she went peacefully and I know that she was ready to go even though I know she wasn't ready as well (I don't want to bore you with the conversations that we had or such, just that from our conversations and visits that I know).

The way she passed was a gift to me...it taught me a few things...one of them was to let go when need be...not saying it is EASY....just that it was something that I learned...

*sigh...as I sigh deeply for you and wish that we can ease your burden somehow, but all we can do is be here for you in this here them forum...

hopefully, you've got some rest, dear friend...

there IS one thing about you that moss and I talked about a bit that we both admire...
you are one of those that have a STRONG inner core that not a lot of folks have...and it IS from that strong core that you'll will pull yourself together and fight through all the pains, tears, and pressures and pains, and in the end, make the right decision....

our love and thoughts are with you...

I am so reminded....Let go, Let God...when you take that leap, He will either catch you or teach you how to fly.

Praying for you Nikki and reading everyones responses I'm reminded of how much love and support there is in this forum family.

You are in an awful place right now Nikki, but it will get better as you see Lynn adjust to his new surroundings. In the meantime be as good to yourself as posssible. Take something to help you sleep, if you can. My thoughts are with you.

Tuesday... he is going to the nursing home on Tuesday....

I just can't find the words to thank you all for your support. You have no idea how much you have helped me. Every one of your posts effected me, and gave me much needed strength. And yes Alffe, what a wonderful family we have here

God this just sucks!! I have been mourning Lynn's loss, each new loss every single day for years...I have been grieving over Dad... the two together may just destroy me........ It wont.. cause I wont let it! Perfect storm be damned. I have life boats all around me, all I need to do is reach for them

Let go -Let God. I have talked to God alot this past year. I have been praying for strength and guidance..... seems He decided to send me a solution. One I am not ready for, but a much needed one.

I need to take him to the clinic, his nurse is worried there might be some break down under the healed bed sore I will be back later..... I just wanted to stop by and let you know the decision has been made.

Tuesday!!

Dear Nik-key
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcsREFqHISs

lyrics
WE WILL MEET AGAIN
You've gone away, left us today
For another place and time
With so much more to give, so much life to live
So much love you've left behind
That's what makes it hard for me
That what makes it so unfair
I only know that someday, somewhere

We will meet again
We will meet again
Though I must let you go
I know it's not the end
It may take a lifetime
But wait for me my friend
Cause I promise you
We will meet again
Now it seems like we're worlds apart
But we're connected at the heart, oh
There's still memories to be made
And I won't be afraid, no

We will meet again
We will meet again
Though I must let you go
I know it's not the end
We will meet again
We will meet again
For I promise you
We will meet again

Though I must let you go
I know it's not the end
wait for me my friend
We will meet again
For I promise you
We will meet again.


David

(((Nikki))) As hard as it is for you, I'm happy for your decision because...we also want you to be able to take care of yourself. You have so much to deal with as it is.

And 20 minutes away...that's wonderful. You can visit him often, and then go home and rest. And those bed sores...yes, they are awful and the good people at his new home will help him with those kinds of things.

Much love.