(((Nik)))

thanks for your honesty .... your words again touch so deeply....

i can only imagine how all is for you... the pain & love so clear--
for your family, for DH Lynn... how can you fathom being left here alone, even as you feel already are--in this long goodbye ?? yes, you want his hell to end , but what about yours??

Lynn & you have been together , sharing much; i'm sure many 'good' times... but sadly many hells -- years of Alzhiemers; your medical problems: neuro/pain disorders, the brain surgerys, more Losses, Life (and Death) issues... .
i understand your prayer, for God to take you both, together....
i get that you are NOT suicidal, nor "runnining' or hiding
OMG--quite opposite...
all you've endured, continue push yourself thru (again today to get into car & drive to nursing home to be with Lynn, even tho you aren't well...
sick with grief, more...

i'm glad you have wonderful family who understand your pain, but sadly now all of you suffering , trying to deal with your dad's sucide...
'm so sorry .... your soul is so burdened, and how you worry about burdening others...
the depths & extent of your suffering, grief, losses, pain -- ALL you've experienced, endure..... so heartbreaking....
what to do?? '
how much should, CAN [one] take??

seems too much Nikki... i would've already broke down... i can relate to crying, screaming, crying more, and no release... (probably more TN /ON headpains?? often wonder how that's been/is for you? know how stress and crazy weather exacerbates ..)

i don't think it sounds 'odd' or wrong .... to want or "welcome" a Break...
i don't know how you've endured so much ....so long.... (your medical/pain conditions and all the other painfull issues, situations...
sorry if i'm repeating or saying too much...

Pray won't take another " break down"" for you to take, get Needed break, Relief you so deserve---
your DR and many here have expressed concern & fear... you said DR -who cares Loves U, wants (suggested) hospitalization??? are you considering ?how do U feel about this 'option'??
you say last years "break down' brought "wonderful bliss of numbness" - that you wouldn't mind --not feeling again...
or perhaps need NOT to feel so much, so intensely now-- this month , this 'anniversary"...
perhaps in addition to taking current RX meds, seeing DR , hooking up local support/groups, can give yourself that needed break-- somehow?? if that is following DRs advice & go into hospital for awhile, for interventions, "help" -
if not hospital, something/where else to give Break,-- before you break down.... more worse...

hope u understand??/ hope not said too much

i empathize, 'understand' as well as one can who's not walked in your shoes-
witnessed, experienced ALL you have.....

do understnd about NOT wanting to feel more..... Pain
so much, too much
how much should, can [one] YOU take???
seems its been far too much nikki...
wish there was some 'fix'

pray for BEST
for you, your family....
PEACE

Dearest ((Pono)) I thought I had nothing left... your post showed me that was wrong. I am too emotional to write right now... but know, you moved me, you touched my heart.. and I just can't thank you enough. Much love my friend