Honestly, I gave up. I've been waking up with thoughts of just making it through the long hours before I could go back to sleep. And the sleep only comes with medication. The days differ little. The weeks mean nothing. The month -- heat or a/c?

I can't express how deeply your words have affected me today. Again, I am grateful for this family of people here -- I don't feel so alone anymore. God is merciful, and I'm going down on my knees when I finish this.

We are right there beside you reyn..always have been.

Alpho's is right, dear reyn, we are always right there beside you...

when we don't see you, we ask each other if anyone has heard, and we DO see you, we smile knowing that you've survived yet another day.

your story is your own to share and tell if you shall deem so. But for those of us that know, we know that living from day to day takes tremendous courage for you garner...

for you to reach each morning, it takes such great strength...

but I am so proud of you, dear reyn, for getting up each day...and staying around...I know your pain is immense and unshakeable...but I am still so glad that you are here with us...

sending you much love...

and we'll always be here next to you...whenever you need

Hope.... it is my best friend, it is my enemy.

What determines if it is my friend or foe, is me and my attitude.
It is a continuing battle and takes great effort to make hope my friend.
Losing Lynn to the torture of Alzheimer's has taught me a great deal
about life, acceptance and hope.

Now that the end is drawing near, with great sadness, yet with great love in my heart I am reflecting back on our 24 years together.

In the earlier stages, he knew what was going to happen to him. He KNEW the hell he would endure. He knew it was to be a slow torturous death. One that would not only rob him of his memories of vital people and events in his life, but also his very essence. He knew he could only look forward to years and years of pain and suffering.

He also knew it would be a living hell for me to have to watch.

He would stand for hours upon hour just starring off into nothing. I knew what he was thinking. I have seen that look reflected in my own eyes when I was diagnosed and told I would live a life wracked with pain. I knew what he was thinking, but I didn't push him. I waited until he was ready to talk to me.

I knew he would, we had a great love, a bond beyond any other.

We talked many times about what was to come. He was afraid. But, unselfishly he was more afraid of not what he would suffer, but of the pain he knew I would face... A pain that I would have to face alone, without him... my husband, my lover, my best friend.

.......the emotional pain he suffered... I can't imagine what it must have been like to feel and know what you were losing. I vividly recall the horror in his eyes when he knew how much he was losing, his family, his friends, his past, his present, his future.

Truly, a living hell.

Yet, he did not kill himself. He held on for me. He loved me so much that he faced what he knew was to come, for me. That is an awesome kind of love!

He is now in stage 7 of the disease. He needs total care. He can't do any of the things that so many of us take for granted. He can't shave, comb his hair, brush his teeth..... He can't walk, bathe, or go to the bathroom unassisted.

He can't recall his friends, he doesn't know he has children. He doesn't know who he was, where he is....

But, he still knows me! He can still express his love for me.... and he does so daily.

I chose now to not look upon the things he can't do... and instead be very grateful for what he can. Damn grateful!

He can still recall my name

He can still tell me he loves me, that I am his whole world

He can still hold my hand

He can still smile a smile that lights up the whole word upon seeing me

What else truly matters? I have a love so great that even the beast Alzheimer's can not take me from his heart.

I am more than sad, it is so heartbreaking.........

Yet, I am so very blessed!!!!

Perspective....Choice.... do I want succumb to the grief, be consumed and swallowed up by the heartache?

No.... I want to hold on to and cherish every second I am allowed to hold on to him before God calls him home

Lynn taught me what real courage is. He held on for me... Now I will hold on for him.

It helps to have someone, something, anything, to hold on for. Especially when it gets to be one moment at a time, and each moment is painful.

I hope, I pray, I understand.....
And when I fall, I get back up, angels offer me a hand....and many times, they are right here.....

"A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works."
~T.E. Kalem

"Life's not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow."
~Cherralea Morgen

I just needed to watch this again....

http://www.ashesandsnow.org/en/

*******************

A reminder to myself.....

To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. - Author Unknown

In 1990, Dr. Harpham was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma and has been in and out of treatment ever since. She has a unique perspective on cancer, as both a patient and a doctor. The author of five books her newest book Only 10 Seconds to Care was published in April of this year.

Hi. My name is Wendy Harpham. Since my cancer diagnosis in 1990, hope has played a central role in my becoming a “Healthy Survivor”—a survivor who gets good care and lives as fully as possible.

As a physician-survivor, I’ve devoted my energies to helping others become Healthy Survivors. In 2003, while writing Chapter 8 of Happiness in a Storm —the chapter entitled, “Hope”— I realized I was sharing insights about finding and nourishing hope, without ever defining “hope.” When I first tried to find the words that could capture the essence of hope, I ended up writing the following poem. Enjoy!

Hope

Hope is an image of goals
planted firmly in your mind.
When looking at life before you,
hope lines the paths you find.

Hope is a well of courage
nestled deep within your heart.
When faltering in fear and doubt,
hope pushes you to start.

Hope is an urge to keep going,
for limbs too tired and weak.
When apathy stills all desire,
hope sparks the fuel you seek.

Hope is a promise of patience,
as you wait for distress to wane.
When all you can do is nothing,
hope pulls you through the pain.

Hope is a spirit that lifts you
should heaviness pull at your soul.
When torn apart by losses,
hope mends to keep you whole.