((Steve)) I am sorry to hear of your uncles horrible death, it must have been very hard on your family

I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would hear myself say this, but...
I wish to God he had been murdered.

Edit* because that sounds so harsh. I wish more than anything that Dad was still here with us!!!
But, of the two... being murdered, or killing himself. The pain, would be less if he had been murdered by someone else... other than himself.

But, no... there is no mistake or question, Dad killed himself, with his own rifle.

Well I just could not hit the thanks button on that post. (((Nikki)))
Mr.Alffe was so sure that someone had killed our Michael because "he wouldn't do something like that." And my neighbors husband said the exact same thing about their son. The police were kind enough to "investigate"...and it was a kindness because there was no doubt about it.

The woman moderator at that support group I attended, did have her son murdered and she said some of the same stigma suicide survivors feel, accompanies a murder...people "wonder" about who your family member associates with....etc. ~sigh

The questions and anger and sadness and what-if's remain, although time has dampered the volume. (in regards to my husband and brother)

I pray that you will feel the love and support that is here in this place and that is there in your "real" world just when you need it.

I ache for you as I read your posts and their responses.

How tragic for you and your family. How awful that you must continue to endure the acute pain that Act inflicts on the surviving family members. That final decision. I just shake my head in wonder. I marvel that he would do that when he was SO loved by you and others. He must have been in such personal pain at that moment and not thinking clearly.

I have no doubt he regrets leaving you suddenly and prematurely. If he has caught a glimpse of all the anguish he caused, I'm certain it haunts him. How could it not? Who can count how many times he has wanted to take you in his arms and say, "I'm so very sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"

I pray you will be comforted by our loving Father in heaven. I pray your anger will diminish so that you CAN be comforted. I pray that you will get so tired of carrying your heavy burden that you will finally allow Him to help you. I pray that you will feel that special peace that comes when you allow Heavenly Father back into your life. And I pray for Lynn to adjust to his new home away from home.

May God's choicest blessings be upon you and others who share the pain of losing a beloved one.

((Alffe)) I know.

The police chief is my brothers life long best friend. He was the first on "scene". Dad lives in the town right next to us, maybe 15 minutes away. He drove to the school where my brother works to tell him in person. I think on that, how hard that must have been for him to do. I will always be grateful for his compassion and support.

Then my brother came and told me. I didn't believe him. I kept screaming NO! NO!! But in my heart, I knew. Hysterical and in shock, I was hitting at him, yet he still picked me up off the floor. He held me and through sobs kept saying, it's true Nikki, God help us it's true. God that scene STILL plays in mind so clearly! Torturous, in slow motion.

I did have to call my Mom and ask her if it was true! She and my step sister where home when he did it. They heard the shot and ran out. I was hysterical and in shock, I HAD to go to his house. I knew he was dead, yet at the same time, I couldn't believe it. I still can't. I needed proof. I got it.

I then had to call 4 of my 7 siblings. Damn but those were hard calls to make. How do you ever tell someone something like that? And over the phone no less. You know you are just about to destroy their world... and you are not there to wrap them in your embrace.

Telling my sisters was the hardest. I could only speak one word at a time. In my pain I could not dress up the truth with kind words. I was in shock, I was sobbing and I told them flat out, Dad just killed himself........

My poor sister, my twin who lives with me... She was out of town with a friend.....after I told her she kept saying he did not!!! it was an accident. It had to be an accident! *sigh. She did that for the longest time. She knew the truth, but it was too much for her mind to take *sigh

It is too much for any mind to take

.................................................. ........................................

((Moss)) I DO feel the love and support here, it helps me tie those knots to hang on

((Twink)) your post was beautiful, moving, and made me cry. Not always a bad thing.

Much love my friends

I'm so sorry. Many hugs. Many hugs. Lots of hugs. I prayfor angels to be with you,to help you through this emotional crisis. I'm so sorry. I hope that your despair eases up a bit. I hope you feel better soon. BF

I lost my sister in law to suicide back in 99. It was the hardest thing to wrap my mind around, which I still don't get it. The harder part was telling my kids and trying to explain the unexplainable to them.

My nephew (same family) was murdered last year. That was also a very difficult thing to tell my kids. He was a young 22 at the time and was shot in cold blood. Yes there is a stigma with that too as to questions such as who he hung out with. He did not know the punk who shot him.

So while both deaths were very difficult to deal with, when it came to my nephew we had someone to be angry at. Hard to explain as I was mad at my SIL but in a different way...Sue

You put it so well Sue...how to explain the unexplainable. I lost a son to suicide and he left an eight year old son of his own behind. That's one reason I was so angry at him....I understand that you don't "get it"...it's a common reaction I get from people.

Why on earth would someone "choose" death when there's always the hope that things will change, improve.

I don't believe he "thought" about it...he just acted impusively but of course I'll never know for sure.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

sue, I am so glad you finally let it out...((((BIG HUGS))))

nik, see the doors you've opened?

((((BIG HUGS))))

to everyone

Moi, it was the right time...Sue

nik