Nikki
So glad that both of you were able to share heavy thoughts and feelings with each other ... and God.
Yup a dolphin ... ( if you got that mail ).
saying prayers for you, Lynn and your whole family. give your nephew a high five and hugs from us. I like that promise he asked and you made .

keep swimming and know we are here for you.

I am still shaken.

That was one talk I could not have gotten through without some devine intervention. As mad as I am at God, as much as I am now questioning Him... I HAD to turn to "someone" for help with that.

In my mind I kept singing, "Jesus take the wheel"

Those two kids have seen so much pain in their little lives .... yet they accept that pain, their illnesses, anything that life has dished out to them to face, as simply, part of life. It IS truly that simple for them.

We talked for hours. His strength and courage amazed me. His faith awed me. When I told him this, he reached for my hand and said, well I had a great teacher! And that, floored me and humbled me.

I use to be a good teacher to these children. I taught by my examples. I took my physical pain and faught and faught to make it to the point where I considered it a gift, not a burden. I used my pain to not feel sorry for myself, but to help others through their pain. I took my emotional pain from a traumatic childhood, to make sure these children always felt safe. I use to have such strong faith. I use to laugh.

I wonder what happened to THAT me, where have I gone? Did Dad take that part of me with him? Will I ever be able to find my way back to me through all this darkness?

I know I want to. I guess that is a start.....

It IS a start, Nikki. A very good start.



Sending you a smile in case yours is broken.

And now my eyes are leaking...

You're still there dear friend...just pounded down by the weight of that load.

keep on yakking, nik

you are utilizing the exact purpose of this forum, to talk about "it"

That's what this forum IS for...keep talking....