Sometimes we wear anger like a coat-we are afraid without it there will nothing between us and the pain-not even skin. But if we take off the anger-and stand there unprotected- s o m e t i m e s some other feelings can cover our pain for a few moments-and sometimes those moments might stretch into minutes, then hours.

There seems to be so many reasons I want to keep the anger-it is a shield-it seems to be a necessary answer to needless pain-it would be homogenizing what happened, marginalizing it, to not have a great amount of anger-the anger validates how huge the tragedy is-anger creates adrenaline and I can use the adrenaline to have enough energy to live, to deal, to do what needs to be done.

But I am telling myself it is worth the risk of more pain-to take the anger off and set it aside for a moment so I can feel some more fragile things like memories of happier times or appreciation or even something as simple as goodwill.

If it is impossible to handle life without it-I can always quickly reach for the anger again-I'm sure it won't be far away.

It certainly is hard to give up. So many different types of anger too, and can be directed at ourselves or others. I was angry with myself for about 30 years until I finally learned that my anger was misdirected and a lot like you, I seemed to be holding on to it. I think I was doing that to survive too. Heck, I was only 4 when my mum passed away from cancer and a teen when my dad was killed walking across a pedestrian crossing. He'd been through so much in his life and also had been a Prisioner of war for many years in Singapore then on to Burma and Thailand and he made it through it all with a strength I hope I have inherited, ... but in an instant he was gone. YET I blamed myself. Anger again. Weird what our brains can do. I couldn't blame my parents for leaving me so young, so I blamed myself that I'd not done enough, or I had caused it, or I ... etc..

It is worth it you know. It's worth it because holding on to it too long can destroy our health and our lives and to some extent cripple us inside.

What a wonderful post, Sue. Thankyou very much.

Oh I have too much to say and no way to say it. I am full of anger..I am tired and old. I just wanted to have the rest of this journey with some peace in my life..I thought I had finally reached a resting place...had some order in my life and could coast. Wrong, wrong again.

What if we have no control over that anger...what if it isn't of our doing but it's just life once again that's at the wheel?

Thank you both....I think. My anger scares me so.

Alffe.

I know that anger is a natural reaction and I know that all our lives are different and many of us don't know much about each other's lives, but I do know that it's often misdirected and USUALLY we direct the anger at ourselves despite our thinking it is not. Who are we hurting with all this anger? We're only hurting ourselves aren't we? As Sue said, we wear it like a coat. A protection.

I'm so very sorry if my post has hurt you in some way. Never my intention at all. If you have shut off the anger and hiding it, then maybe it's a good thing to throw it somewhere else, except on your own shoulders. Throw it to me privately if you need to.

Love you

You are such a dear friend Lara.

I love you. I understand.