I have never actively attempted to end my life. However, suicidal ideation has been a near constant companion for me since I got sick in 2007. To be honest, I am afraid to try because I think I would screw it all up and just make things much worse than they are now.
This illness has taken my career, my independence, my family just really doesn't understand--except for one person. My mother told me that she would never wait on me hand and foot---I never asked for that, so I really wonder how much she honestly loves me with the unconditional love she talks about.
My medical bills are so large and continuing that I feel like a financial burden and my husband somehow cannot bring himself to do more than a perfuntory kiss and a pat on the leg anymore.
On Sept 11, I was diagnosed with Sensory Ataxia and Orthostatic Hypotension--both quite symptomatic and with Trigeminal Neuralgia on July 16. Add in a few other health problems, the Depression and PTSD and I am just plain overwhelmed and don't know what kind of future I have.
I am 55, that in itself is a factor.
I need to find meaning and purpose in my life again. I have some ideas but I don't know if they will work out.
I am on medications, see a Therapist, and do everything I "should" do to me mentally healthy. I didn't struggle with these feelings before I got sick.
More than anything tonight, I wish one of my illnesses was terminal or that I had the guts to end things. But I worry about my family. Then I get mad that I have to worry about them. I wish they would understand. I wish, more than anything, that they would understand.
Thanks for reading---hate to meat anyone under these circumstances, ever.
lifesaver--but some days I sink like a stone.