((pono)) thank you for you PM dear friend

((Mistiis)) I love you too dear friend And I thank you for sharing your pain with me... I am so grateful you find the courage to keep fighting and fighting

I have been doing a lot of thinking..... I am trying to understand how this could have happened.... I am trying to be "fair" to Dad....

I keep thinking back to my disabilities. It just killed Dad to see me in so much pain. At first I could not hide my pain, and I remember Dad just holding me as I screamed out in pain, sobbing for all I was worth. I also remember him crying right along with me. How deeply it effected him to see his little girl hurting so.

My whole family was effected. I use to say the first thing I feel every day is pain, the second is guilt. I hated being the cause of so much pain to my loved ones.

Due to that, I tried desperately to try to hide my pain, from even Dad and Lynn. The two people I felt closest to, were the ones I tried the hardest to hide my pain from. I didn't do it to hurt them, I did it to try to spare them.

Reading your posts over the past year.... ((mistiis)) ((david)) ((moi)) ((abbie)) ((bj)) ((snoopy) ((blue)) ((steve)) and many others I can't recall at the moment.. please forgive me.....

But through sharing your pain, the way you feel when the monster grabs you.. I can't help but wonder if Dad didn't tell me because he was trying to spare me, much in the same way I was trying to hide my physical pain from him.

I think about how I shared with him in the beginning of my pain journey how I didn't think I could live with this pain, how I didn't want to. How I begged to God to take me. I remember our talks so clearly, him telling me to keep fighting , to never give up.........

I also remember how his beloved dog was in so much pain, that he wouldn't make it to the vet, and out of love, Dad had to shoot him.....

I remember Dad re-telling me that story a few years back, after he watched his brother die a slow painful death from cancer, after losing his Dad and Mom in that same year ...that he prayed at night not to wake up the next morning. How he wished someone loved him enough to shoot him.

I remember so clearly.... my reaction to that statement... the pain I could not hide knowing my Dad was in that kind of pain.

I remember holding him, telling him over and over how much I loved him, how much I needed him.... and repeating the words he had told me not 3 years before that... Dad, you have to keep fighting.. you can never ever give up....

I remember holding him as we both cried....helping him through that dark period. seeing him daily, encouraging him to seek professional help.

I remember the day he told me he was ok. That he had come out on the other side and for me not to worry anymore....

Now I am thinking......... perhaps he never was better at all... perhaps like me trying to hide my physical pain to spare him.... perhaps he hid his emotional hell... to try to spare me and all who loved him.

Obviously, he wasn't better.. or he never would have reached the point of being able to kill himself. It was a good 3 years before he took his life that he told me about wanting to die...... and only God knows how long he had felt that way before he even found the courage to tell me.......

How long he must have fought and fought and fought. It came to me last night, another sleepless night, that Dad taking his own life, by no means made him a coward. He fought as long and as hard as he could.

I will forever wish that he had reached out to me..... but I found a bit of peace..... I know Dad better than perhaps anyone on this earth. I know he would never - ever purposely hurt me. He loved too much to ever knowingly be the cause of so much pain.

Tragic, his death could have been prevented....... he could still be here with me now.
Hiding our pain, is clearly, never the answer..................

WOW!!! Such an incredible insight dear Nikki. Now, if we can just find that key that will help us and others to feel 'safe' sharing that pain, even with the ones we love the most. I think it lies in love itself. What we don't seem to realize is that when love is there pain is not a burden to the one that loves us. But, it is hard to get that principle. And it does take someone who really does care and is not just spewing words. ssssss

Depression?


THE SILENT KILLER

One person's MOUNTAIN is another persons MOLE-HILL


David

nik-key quote ;Hiding our pain, is clearly, never the answer..................
__________________;


As you said yourself you tried to hide your physical/+/emotional pain from both your father and Lynn...........why? ................
to shield them from the inner pain that you at the time were experiencing...............staying silent is not the answer.........
.but a human trait we all share is............protecting those we care for............
Seems an odd statement...because suicide causes a multitude of distress.........but in our darkest hour as humans we still think of others .............sadly some think taking their life will rid them of the secret burden they carry daily........yet cannot share.......because the only ones who would listen..............are the ones intrically involved in their lives...and will therefore suffer most from admission of fear/sadness/grief/depression/loneliness...

Imagine telling the one you love.........................daily i feel totally lonely...........

Soul destroying for the person hearing.........the truth for the person airing a view...................

is it easier to be silent then and not offend..................or risk..........destroying a loving relationship.......by explaining even with that person in your life.....life itself is a daily struggle....a lonely ..isolated world/////


It is easy to see why many choose silence.....................its not right/or/fair.............but its understandable.

David

Mistiis I have my deep pain when I'm out in the public too. My Dr's secretary said that I don't look sick. People tell me that I look OK. I've learned how to act to keep myself from being a easy target,or picked on.

When I was growing up I seemed to attract bullies. I grew up to be 6'4". I was talk,and skinny,and the bullie type where after me for some reason. I had problems with the people at work. Now I have family issues. I just don't understand why.

I don't even walk out on the door step,looking like I'm hurting. I act like I'm OK. I'm always acting so people will stay off my case,and not pick on me.BF

Dear BF. (((hugs))) This is something I understand. I really believe that our personalities as sensitive people make us vulnerable and other people sense that.

In observing the animal world I have seen small sickly birds get picked on by the stronger ones, and not just one but usually serveral. The bird was not sick just vulnerable because of the heat. It is a real lesson. Those who are vulnerable do get 'picked' on by those who feel stronger. It is unfortunate in our world today that there are more people who will take advantage of vulnerabililty and exploit it rather than those who will try to help, protect, and nourish the vulnerable to gain some strength to fly. It is just an unfortunate truth.

We do have to learn to protect ourselves. And I think it is even more difficult for males than for females. A man who is very sensitive is seen by other males as being weak. This is so unfortunate. Because it is really so very beautiful, and something which this world needs more of. You have to be very brave to express your vulnerability without allowing yourself to be exploited. It is a real growing process. And it takes a lot of time and some knowledge about yourself and how to go about it. You hide your pain because others see it as a vulnerability. Being able to transform that pain into strength and being able to conquer the fear of mis-treatment by others, is also a very long learning process.

You know how you can touch on that love and inner strength that you have while you are in prayer and with inspiring music?
That is the place we need to be. But, it is hard to maintain it. And that is because there are issues from the past that need to be dealt with. I am going to send you a pm my friend. Many sssss and prayers winging their way to you.....

There is reason to hope.

I have to say again, that sometimes, in our darkest moments, are when the greatest changes and miracles can take place. And please notice that I said CAN......the potential is there.
The choice is ours.....

Nikkey, I am sooooo sorry about your Dad. It's hard to understand why people do the things they do. I feel sure he didn't want to hurt anyone. When I was misdiagnosed with Hodgkins, I became suicidal, and finding out that the docs were wrong didn't help for a long time. It's possible that in your father's mind, he was still holding on to an earlier worry or fear, for himself and the rest of you, too. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but you have to believe that your Dad really loved you, and this was about him, not you. I wish I could say more...

(((holding you dear Nikki))) and praying....sss

Thank you all so much

((mistiis)) This is "my goal" ... a way in my heart to make Dad's death not so senseless. I still need a lot of healing myself, I know I am not ready to take on the "grand scale". But, if I can help even one person, one at a time.... I won't feel Dad died in vain. I am sharing my video and survival story with the coalition.... later, I plan to share it in more public forums such as schools and lectures we will offer on suicide prevention. It is a start. A better legacy than Dad was able to give himself. *sigh

((David)) I understand what you are saying David... you are right I tried to hide my pain as well. It helped no one, and brought me further into depression. Obviously, the same happend to my Dad.
It would indeed be painful to hear that someone you love is in so much pain. But please trust me in this, not nearly as painful as hearing the news of your loved ones suicide.

I hear over and over it is not my fault Dad killed himself. But, it is - in part. I own that and I must try to find a way to live with it. He hid his pain well, no doubt. But I can't help but think there just HAD to be a way for me to know. That I didn't, will eat at me until I draw my last breath.

Nothing good has ever been gained in hiding ones pain. IMHO. The one suffering sinks deeper and deeper........ and your loved ones around you want nothing more than to be your life line! REACH OUT! That is the only answer.

((Rich))You said more than enough and thank you very much I have come to conclude it really doesn't matter what the test results showed. Dad said over and over for years he just knew the cancer was back. *sigh. He had lost a lot of weight, he was exceptionally tired..... but it wasn't from cancer. I guess none of that really matters though does it? All that matters is what he believed and what was haunting him that day.

I am trying very hard to remember this was about him... but it is so hard when it is my heart breaking and my world crashing in around me...*sigh