(((BJ)))

http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/grave.php

I stood at your grave today Mark and cried. I know you're not there, you're in my heart and you're with God. You always be my brother

(((BJ)))

...so true.

I have many thoughts rolling around in my head and don't know how to, or don't want to, express them. You've done a good job with some of it for me ((David)).

I know time and again people have said this forum is for anyone touched by suicide, but I have never felt comfortable coming right out and saying, for instance, "the urge yesterday to cut my throat was overwhelming". I wouldn't want people in here who are questioning the suicides of loved ones to get upset.

But I do have those. And when one of those thoughts hits, it hits with the crescendo of an ocean wave. Obviously, I've made it to the other side.

I do think suicides are often a spur of the moment act but...preceded by thoughts of suicide over an intederminate amount of time. Sorry if that doesn't make sense. Somehow it does to me.

doody I don't think there's a one of us who hasn't felt that way at sometime or another in this life. What I generally do when I am wishing I were dead, is pm Lara, who always picks me up and makes me feel better. Why don't you pm me and we'll see if I can "say" the right thing when you need it. just because you don't tell me how you feel, doesn't mean I don't suspect it. I love you.

...but, as David said, you hide it from others. and I love you too.

You're right, I don't post it on a public forum but I do tell someone...usually Mr.Alffe but occasionally Barbo or Lara. *grin

I'd hate to trigger anyone...I don't think it's hiding it if you tell someone how you feel.

How's otto today?

((BJ)) Big tight hugs and a heart full of understanding.

((Doody))

Dear sweet doody..... as one of the people here questioning a loved ones suicide, I can assure you- you would never upset me by talking about your feelings. It takes great courage, and I only wish Dad had had such a wonderful group of loving people to offer him support.

As ((alffe)) said, I think the majority of the population has, or will, feel this way at some point in their life. We can stop making it "taboo" to have these thoughts if we as a society open up and share our feelings. Sharing, REACHING OUT, that is the answer. So my dear friend, if not here in the open forum, do talk, do share, let your pain out.

I don't like talking about my thoughts when they get that dark. I take it as a personal failure, a weakness I guess... damn pride anyways! But, because of Dad, in honor of him.... I will not keep my pain to myself... I will not hide in my corner and suffer alone, I WILL keep talking and talking about suicide....

Before Dad's suicide, I had personally struggled with thoughts of ending my life, to end my physical pain. Even then, I was not quiet about my thoughts. I didn't tell the world..... but when the thoughts brought me too much peace, I reached out to Dad, and later a minister. I fought for years to reach the place where I am today with my pain levels. And I thought those thoughts were well rid of.

Well they were, until the day Dad killed himself. Then, I knew that emotional pain, was worse than any physical pain I had or could ever endure. Nothing has ever hurt as bad as losing Dad to suicide. Not any other family members loss, not my miscarriages, not even the loss of my baby. I wanted nothing more than to go be with Dad. At all costs.

Looking back now, today... I have mixed feelings.... I NEVER wanted to know this kind of pain!!!!!! I am mad at him for making me, forcing me, to feel this type of pain.

But, through experiencing it, I am trying to find peace with Dad's suicide. I think of the overwhelming need to be with him, the consuming pain........ and I can't help but think, this is how Dad must have felt. Rips my heart to pieces to think of him in that kind of pain. *sigh

The future after your loved one's suicide

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/suicide/MH00048

Thank you for the great article Lara. I just printed it...all 7 pages.