[Nik-key]

My niece and nephew live here with me, we talk all the time. I tell them every single day they are safe with me, that there is nothing we can't talk about. We talk often about their past with domestic abuse and about Grampa's suicide. I make sure we do not have any elephants in this house!!

The other night my 10 year old niece came out and asked if she could watch the video I made for Grampa again. While viewing it she turned to me .. with tears in her eyes she asked how could he hurt us so badly? Why did he do it? Didn't he love us?

Well hell!!!!

It is hard trying to forgive someone who leaves you by way of a violent suicide. It shreds your heart and cuts you to your very core.

It is one thing for me to carry these burdens in my heart. It is another thing entirely to let these questions haunt and torment my little niece. I don't want her to have to carry this in her heart, festering and ruining her promising life for years to come.

I reached deep inside me... to the place where I just know beyond any shadows of any doubts, how deeply Dad loved us all. I tried to explain to her the best way I could.... with many many prayers for guidance!!

Part of what I told her is about how much Dad loved us. How he showed us in many different ways every day of our lives. How we could not let one single act, take away all the other acts of love. I tried to explain rational thought to her, and after some failed attempts... said in all his pain, he forgot........ it clicked with her.

She came out a little later.... piece of paper in hand... this is what she wrote.

On Angels Wings, My Grampa!

You seem to have floated away
Away so fast you forgot about me
You forgot to tell me why you left
You forgot to let me say goodbye
You forgot that I was here
And you, were there.

You forgot.

It’s ok Grampa, I love you!!

ACCCCCCK!!! Out of the mouths of babes…………….

[BlueMajo]

She got talent !

Nik-key.......

I know your pain... I understand.

Just, forgive your dad (I mean, I know you had already done), he was in pain... He didnt want to do this to all of you, he loved you all as you know, he just... was suffering, and we have to forgive him for his decision.... He loved you and loves you wherever he is now

close your eyes... think about him.... talk to him.... do you feel him ? do you hear him ??? He is just right next to you all, his loved ones.... hugging you, protecting you... guiding you....

I lost my 4 granparents when I was pretty young.... I dont think I can really know what it feels to have a granma, a gran pa... no... my friends still have them, 1, 2, 3 or even the 4 of them... I just have their photos... only a few... photography wasnt as easy as today... I still cry when I think about them... How I wish I could have them here... but... life huh ? destiny huh ? and well, I talk to them... I feel them... I listen to them... They guide me... they are my company when Im alone... It would be easier to listen to them in this life but heck... What I mean, your dad is with you, and will always be...

He just needed to change his status... he is now, in another energy level, that's all....

[Burntmarshmallow]

Nikki
Angel Friend Warrior .
PLEASE please put that in the book I sent you. . .( the wave )




MMkay done smoothering you with hugs
these are endless

[BJ]

I found this poem and wanted to share it with you Nikkey. The last 2 lines are so significant to me. I actually got satellite radio in my car so that I could listen to comedy radio during the first few months of my grief following my mom’s death. It helped to laugh. Some days, it was the only thing that cut through the tears and the pain.

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.
That myth is more potent than history.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts -
That hope ways triumphs over experience -
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death."

It's controlling every minute of every day because you are just beginning the digging. It's not a matter of being so long ago; you will deal with now, what was not dealt with then! You are heading in such a powerful direction! You will make it through this stronger than you can even begin to imagine. You are doing what so many don't attempt!

Obviously there's a bigger plan in store for you, whether it be to come full circle for your own piece of mind, or perhaps when you've made it through the clouds, you will be able to help others. Time will reveal. You are discovering YOU ~ as sad as it may be.... it's such an amazing journey you've embarked on! Keep swimming....if you begin to get tired....ask God to carry you for awhile. He doesn't mind; been carried a few times myself.

All I can really say is that you are not alone we are all here for you and know you are in our prayers and we send you lots of hugs, you can do this even though your heart is incomplete and yes you can feel your heart break and you can feel your soul being ripped apart and you can feel reality literally bring you to your knees because you have lost someone so dear to your heart.

Do not let anyone put a timeline on it for you - it is individual to all of us - but you can lift yourself back up. You must use the strength of your love for each other to do this and I am sure your father is here in some way trying to propel you forward, take comfort in that. Think of him and all he would want from you if you had passed and know that is what he is sending or trying to send to you and hold it dear - and at the very least know you are not alone in this we are all grieving and understand on our own levels your pain.

He didn’t forget to say goodbye Nikkey, as Carla Fine said, “There Was No Time to Say Goodbye”. *sigh

[Alffe]

Very wise words BJ. The hardest way to learn something is to have to live through it....it's wisdom we wish we didn't have but the gift, is to be able to show others that they can survive this loss.

[Nik-key]

((BJ)) So wonderful to see you dear one You have me in tears, but good ones! It is amazing to witness how far you have come in your healing and understanding in just the time I have known you. You give me hope

I have always loved that Robert Fulghum quote, I have it in my scap book.

((alffe))

it's wisdom we wish we didn't have but the gift, is to be able to show others that they can survive this loss.

You have done this for me every single time I visit here

K, I will be back to re-read this when I need extra strength and PROOF we can survive.. but right now, is hard to see through these tears Much love

[ckepi]

I just wanted to say that I think your wonderful for giving the girls some one they can talk to about this and any thing else.

I think some times people think by not talking about it it is easier when in fact that just makes it harder. At least for me.

It is easier to remember the good when you can also express the bad. To let go of the anger and sadness when you can let it out with other people.

It is so hard to talk about a loved one who commits suicide because it makes people feel awkward, but by talking about it we can lesson the darkness and remember the good.

You have a good heart and even when we have forgiven we still sometimes feel the anger come back but its ok.

Take care

[Nik-key]

I haven't forgiven him... I am trying SO hard!!! But, I just can't yet.

I have a lot I want to say... just can't right now.....

[GmaSue]

One way to look at forgiveness:
It helps me to forgive if I face the truth that to not forgive someone means I am judging them-and I don't like the feeling that I think I have the ability to accurately judge someone else, however closely I think I know them.

[Nik-key]

((Sue)) I see your point, and its a good one

I try to never judge, honestly I do. But in this, my Dad's suicide, I don't like the feelings his death brought ..more than I dislike judging him.

It isn't right to judge, and I know this. But there are times when something impacts your life so greatly one does judge. I wish the world was full of fairies and pixie dust... but it isn't.


I can't heal if I am not honest about what and how I feel.... So yes, I am guilty of judging Dad. I probably should feel badly about it, but I don't. It doesn't mean I don't still love him with all my heart - I do. It only means he broke my heart and his act has destroyed my world.