this is long overdue:

SoCal: thank you for the response. And welcome to the board :) I hope I can offer you support the way that you have offered ME support!

I won't be so vague finally. I'm in the mood to write. I went back to the old city to see family and friends. I kind of started seeing a guy from there so I've been going back quite a bit. Great guy. I felt comfortable telling him all about these issues. But on the weekend, I found out the long distance thing just isn't going to work out. I became very frustrated b/c it seems every decision I make isn't ever good enough. I don't know what to do. I want to buy a place but I'm not sure what city to buy in (I know that sounds trivial, but it's a big deal to me). I'm very family oriented so I'm not sure if buying away from home is a good idea. But I hate that city so much. BUT one day I should confront it. I can't run from it forever. That new job I started in June is just a term position til the end of Sept so I've been a bit stressed that I won't be able to find work, with the economy the way it is obviously.

Abbie: Thanks for always reminding me to breathe. You always keep me so grounded. I'm trying really hard. I'm waiting to get a referral to a psychiatrist. I've been off meds since June. So I'm proud that I've been hanging in there, but honestly, every day is a struggle. I think people think I'm dramatic. But honestly, it's a struggle every day. "Why should I wake up this morning, Manda?" "Because this is your life, Manda. Now get up." Every morning.

Bluemajo: I miss talking to you every night. Let's try and keep in touch more :)

BMW: I've truly missed you so much. You always make me just stop. All the thoughts in my head just stop whenever you write me. I hope you never stop. I'm glad you make me realize that these are just little storms. Sometimes they feel like the real thing. But I need to remember it'll pass. They always do. But god, when you're in that storm, it never feels like it will.

FOR EVERYONE: I don't ask this enough (and I hope you don't think I'm ungrateful, it's just been a tough year) but, HOW ARE YOU?? I've noticed some of my friends haven't been around here much...let me know you're ok.

((((((((((Manda))))))))))

I will pray so things can settle down for you soon :hug:

I know the feeling of "everything I choose or do, is wrong, bad..." :( I feel your pain, but, but, hey ! everything has an end right ? So, even the problems will come to and end, when we will turn around, see our past, and laugh at it...

:hug:

Take care.

Manda, I vote for your "own" city. It will become home, and with new memories, new customs, new rituals. I recently had to make a similar choice and I decided to throw myself into this neighborhood and make it feel more like home. Taking walks and getting to know it in a way you cannot just by driving around, shopping and dining in as many of the little shops close by as I can, setting up some new rituals in the neighborhood. Just little things, such as getting a dipped cone at the corner DQ on Sunday. I miss some things from my old neighborhood but not the traumatic memories that every landmark seems to remind me of-usually when I least expected it. And I am old, Manda, so making new memories doesn't always sound appealing-old people tend to like to bask in the old memories. But when those become tainted with hurtful ones-hey-make new ones. Lots of little new ones! :hug:Thanks for sharing your struggles-we are all more alike than we are different-especially on NT!

Great advice Sue...you're my kind of lady. :hug:

Manda, I'm glad you're back posting..you were missed!.

and a hug for Blue...:hug:

having such strong suicidal thoughts tonight. trying to keep the thoughts within reach. trying really hard.
i wish for so many things. to be prettier. more likable. to be forgiven.

Ive been feeling that way ALL week :mad:

Need to go and talk to doc urgently... :mad:

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Hopefully you are feeling better now...

as an update: i went to work today. and wasn't feeling well. so i left. and though i could've stuck it out, i just decided to leave.
i can feel the OCD coming back on strong at work lately. i'm so scared of making mistakes that i would rather call in sick than go into work and fear that my boss has found a mistake i've made. how will i ever keep a job? i'm terrified. i don't know what to do. every work place has become a nightmare for me. i fear going in every day.

Manda I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Do you take any medication for anxiety? I think you should call your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling. I've taken zanax on occasion and it helps me a lot. :grouphug:

i'm so glad you're online, alffe. oh i'm so grateful.
no i'm not on any meds b/c i have yet to be given a referral to a doc here.
i'm just so worried about what's going to happen if i'm never able to work.

i have some ativan....ugh....i hate taking meds....

Hi honey...I don't know what ativan is. a prescription? I feel the same way about drugs but sometimes they are a necessary evil. :hug:

Could you go outside and take a walk? Do you have neighbors you could visit? I hate to think of you being alone and afraid.