Manda... Call one of the numbers... all you have to say is... I need to talk with someone. You don't have to give your name or where you are....

PLEASE... I know it isn't easy but these people on the other end of the phone line are there for you!!! They WANT to talk with you... they are trained...and they will talk with you as long as you want to talk.

There is NO shame in asking for help... you are reaching out... please let your fingers dial the numbers.

Here is another number that can help...
Boys Town: 1-800-448-3000.

Here is their web site: http://www.boystown.org/Pages/default3.aspx

ha, one of the numbers says they're open til 4pm only...i wish that's how my emotions worked. it says in case of emergency to call a diff number. i don't know if this is an emergency. i just want to talk to a doctor.

i can't even call my parents....because i spent like an hour yesterday telling them i haven't had suicidal thoughts in awhile. and now here i am. if i tell them, they'll be on their way to pick me up and make me move back to the city i hate so much.

Manda...

I hope you have contacted someone...

If you haven't... please call your psychiatrist or even a new one... call any Psychiatris's office...tell them you need to talk to and see someone TODAY.... let them know you are having some not so good thoughts.

I know the number for Boys Town has someone available 24/7.

Sweetie... YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!!!

:hug:
Abbie

thank you SO much for being there for me, abbie. although these bouts are getting less frequent and shorter in length, they still bring me down so much.

i am not a very religious person at all...but last night, i believe i got a bit of good energy sent my way from some sort of higher power. my friend that lives across the country called me out of the blue. i haven't seen him in a year (no hard feelings, we still keep in touch when we can). i couldn't believe it. he called me just as the first tear hit my cheek. i regained some hope and faith in people around me. he wants me to move to a new city by the ocean with him....he's got me tempted...but i can't keep trying to run away. i need to build.

maybe i should re think my religious views....

thanks again! you're my rock

Manda...

I'm so glad your friend called you just when you needed someone... coincidence... I don't think so... I believe that everything in our lives happens for a reason.

You are right on when you say you need to build... You've got the tools... and loads of support. Each piece you need to build with is inside of you!!

You may need a Psychiatrist to help you with finding the next piece you need and where to place it in your life.

You may need a Therapist to help you understand why things are the way they are...and help you find where you are going and what your are building.

I'm not saying that moving to the coast where your friend is located is a bad thing... or a good thing....

I want to say from experience...that if you don't have a grip on what is going on... your problems and troubles will follow you everywhere you go... You can't hide from your life.

As far as religion... That's a hard thing because each of us has our own unique beliefs. Some don't believe. Some question. Some believe and have a wonderful relationship with God. Some struggle to find their place in this world.

This is only a suggestion.... maybe try a few churches to find one that feels right. I always say I have to find a church that feels like home.

I had found that, but due to my personal problems I stopped going, but am not giving up... I am building strength and working on my life so that I can find a church home.

It may be the one that I loved... or it may be another church all together.

I know, some will say that now is when I need a church home because the people there can help me deal with what is going on.... I tried... but that just isn't me.

But please know...this may be for you... all I can say is...give yourself a chance... give life a chance... if going to church is something you want to check out--then by all means...give God a chance.

I take it one day at a time...often times though I have to go minute by minute, second by second, and breath to breath.

I can and do pray for family, friends, acquaintances, friends of friends, family of friends, and friends of family.

BUT.... I have a hard time and many time will not pray for myself... this something that I am working on.

:hug:
Abbie

thank you (as always) abbie. i've spent the weekend evaluating my beliefs. i've been listening to music and reading lyrics. i feel like i'm close to knowing what i have to do, but i'm not quite there yet. i know i need to leave the past behind, but am struggling to do so. i even just took a simple step as deleting some toxic people from my facebook.

i'm finally understanding what all of you have been saying to me--i'm in a new city and i have the ability to start fresh. why bring cracked faces into my new world? i'm trying hard. i'm trying so hard.

i'm still tormented by nightmares each night but i try and wake up knowing i create my reality even if my mind plays tricks on me while sleeping.

i think the suicidal thoughts are sometimes quieted by the simple fact: what if after i die, it's one ongoing nightmare that i don't have the ability to change?

although i really don't like my life right now, at least i know what is in it. i don't know what waits for me after death. what if it's worse? that fear has "helped" in preventing too many destructive thoughts

i'm trying so hard. i'm trying so hard. this weekend was hard.

:grouphug::hug:I count trying as success.:hug:

for some reason that just brought tears to my eyes, sue...
....thank you.

i've got shivers.

thank you.

sometimes it's nice to feel emotions and see what they do to me physically and know that i'm very much alive...

Good for you for deleting the toxic people! That's a very good move.

:hug: