Good morning sister :hug:
I see that others agree that you are a great person:) and like I said great things can not and should not be rushed.

I can be honest and say my friends I had before my accident well I do NOT have one of them as a friend today. it ticked me off and burned it confused me. what changed ?why? did they think i was going to get lots of $$from settlement but i didnt , I got t.n. and a.d. ( t.n. is considered/called a suicide illness) and I got depression and suicidal but being honest here again ...the friends I have made since are the best people I have ever met! my best dear pal is like a friend I never had . when things like that happen you become a better person you learn you grow..and we are all here for you Manda because we have all been or are going threw that ourselves.
and finally I want you to know the lot of us are thinking of you today sending positive thoughts and wishing you a great day at your new job may today be filled with good things .
:grouphug:
PEACE
BMW

((Manda)) I am sorry I am late welcoming you to our family. Welcome:hug:
I am also sorry to hear you are having such a tough time right now. But what made me smile was how you can see you are the type of person to not give up. You may get down, we all do, but you keep searching for that silver lining. We are all "works in progress" please be kind to yourself while you blossom into a masterpiece :) :hug:

I can relate to many things you have posted.... trying to remember all I read:o. Like ((BMW)) I have TN and ON and other neurological difficulties. I had just turned 31 when I was diagnosed. I had my dream job, friends galore and the love of my family. Life was good. And I was too naive to see it could all change literally over night.

After each failed brain surgery, each failed procedure, each new hope dashed.... slowly but surely all my friends stopped calling and coming to see me. There wasn't a cure, I wasn't going to get better, there was nothing they could do to help me. I think, after awhile, it was just too much for them, too depressing. I don't have any resentments now, but at the time it hurt like hell.

My husband has Alzheimer's, in the beginning he still knew people, but repeated himself over and over and over. Once again, I saw life long friends - pull away. It is so hard to see, but for him, for the injustice of it, I do hold resentments against them. Right or wrong... I do.:o. I know in time, I will let go of those resentments. I do believe most people are kind and do the best they can with what they have.

Friends, they come and go. Some stay forever, hang onto them and appreciate them for they gift they are. . I think you are right to follow the advice from all our wise members..loving yourself is key. Be the best friend you can to yourself. :hug:

My mom has a saying I like.... "No matter where you go, there you are." It isn't the people, the friends, the boyfriends, spouses .... who make us "ok". We have to be comfortable in our own skin. There just is no running away from you...I know I tried ;).

I looked at your pictures, they are beautiful! Your picture of you and your Dad and your post about him...made me cry. My Dad took his life last March. :Sob: I can't begin to describe the pain his death has brought to me and my family, to all who loved him. I do know it is hard sometimes to talk to family, I know we sometimes feel they just won't "get it" Or perhaps we even feel we would be a burden to them if we shared our true thoughts. Speaking for myself, I would have given anything to have helped my Dad hang on. I think it is safe to say, your family feels the same way about you. :hug:

((Mandy)) It takes great courage to talk about our private pain. It took guts for you to post and share your feelings with us. THANK YOU for giving us the chance to support you:hug: I truly look forward to getting to know more about you. Keep talking Mandy :hug: Best of luck at your new job today!:hug:Nikki

i'm sorry.
i'm trying.
it's not working.
i'm not strong enough.
i don't want to talk to anyone i know. i'm cancelling my cell phone. i can't take people right now. cursed faces. cracked smiles.

"I jumped in the river and what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the things I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt"

I awoke, only to find my lungs empty
Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm Breaking Down
I think I'm breaking down

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainties
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now its like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be? This misery will suffice

I've become, the simple souvenir of someone's KILL
Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul
As if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down

i'm sorry i cannot be any support to bluemajo or anyone.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.

Hi Manda!!

I know things seem very odd or even bad right now... I truly understand.

Please hang in there.. don't give up on your family or friends. I know, it feels as though they have given up on you.

You need to be strong even though you don't want to or think you can. I believe you are much stonger than you believe you are...

You have many people here who care.

If you take it once step at a time... get the help you need... be it medicines or therapy or both... you'll be surprised how many friends will come out of hiding... and how many new friends you will find.

People will see that you care about you... I know you may not feel this way...but I can see that you do... you wouldn't have reached out here if you didn't care.

Keep talking with us... We care!!!
:hug:
Abbie

P.S... how was the first day of work???

Manda, you have a message on your private page....:hug::hug:sssssss

My... I was anxious to reply and my bloody internet connection sucks !!! :mad:

Ok, finally here Im...

Manda, sis, calm down. Dont worry, dont feel sorry...

What happened ? Why are you feeling this bad ? Something wrong at work ?

Perhaps you are just stressed... I tend to feel worse when I sum to my problems the stress of school...

Write me anytime and tell me what happened when you feel like telling me.

Lots of love.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

i unfortunately don't have any answers. work was actually great. but i find that i busy myself with external things even though internal things aren't ok. i put a smile on, i meet some nice people, but at the end of the day i come home to me. i sleep with me. i wake up to me.

anger is going to come out, so i apologize for swearing, but i have to. i think about the ******* ex boyfriend that totally screwed with my mind. this guy that told me for 6 years that he loved me. and then we broke up. but we still hung out. we were in my bedroom once just watching funny videos on my laptop and he pushed me down on my bed and said "i want to rape you." followed by "this is how long i'm going to rape you for." he didn't. but how can someone who used to love me say those things to me? he tried to say he didn't mean it like that. he thought i was into it. but after 6 years don't you know that someone is definitely not into it? especially since we didn't have the most physical relationship...how did someone go from loving me to hating me and wanting to see me in pain? this was in december and i'm still suffering (on top of the suffering i have from anxiety, depression and OCD....now these three things are focused on this ******* comments to me). i saw him a month ago. we kissed (i don't know why i'm such a ******* idiot) and at the end of our little encounter i said to him "i don't think we're impossible." he said, "i don't think we are either. i don't think we're that far off. but you seem to be doing some good things for yourself and i don't want to complicate things. but let me know when your number changes when you move and let's keep in touch." 3 days later i found out he has a girlfriend. a month passed and i didn't hear from him. then i saw him and said "well, i guess so much for being friends....and oh, i can't believe you cheated on your current gf." he responded saying that he's in love with her and happy with her. wtf? he cheated on her. am i missing something? he says that it's just old feelings left over...that's it? i'm dismissed as old feelings? wtf. now all i think about is this jerk being happy. this new gf doesn't even know what the hell he's done. i'm just so ****** up over this and my mind doesn't allow me to let go.

i know this sounds like typical boy-girl problems, but i hope you realize it's more than that. there's the ******* rape comments he made to me that just completely mess with me....and then there's the OCD part. i just can't believe he said "i don't want to complicate things" when really he should have said "i have a gf."

sorry. i'm ******. and frustrated. and want these thoughts to go away. i don't know how to win against them.

i'm sorry.

Try not to think...

Try to think life and God know he wasnt the right person for you...

I know it sounds difficult, even impossible, but it is true...

In April, "the man of my dreams" got married... After 4 years of us being like brothers, like the best friends ever... I was so in love with him, he was my only motivation, my only happiness... And when I found out he was enganged, gosh, I felt sad, frustrated, angry, silly, lonely, trash, miserable, I lost my dreams, my motivation in this life... I got sick, all my "hidden" illness came out because of this crisis... I used to take 13 pills a day (no kidding), I just wanted to die... I was all day in bed... Everybody kept telling me that I should keep the faith and I only could see a dark tunnel...
Even last month, I was still suffering...

Now, believe it or not, I laugh... I mean, sometimes I still cry remembering our good times... When we travelled together... When we chatted all day long... When we hugged and helped each other... I feel nostalgic sometimes still BUT I have understood he wasnt the right person for me...

I feel lonely and sad and worry about me never finding a partner, but thats another matter...

So, with time, you will understand what happened in this situation with your ex... :)

Try to apply the 40 steps you posted... At least, that one that says "will this be important in 5 years ?" I wouldnt say 5 years, I would say 1 year... :D

Im glad to read you enjoyed your job ! Try to think about that ! :)
Who knows, a better bf might arrive from there :) :D :hug: