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12-15-2006, 10:11 AM
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Young Senior Elder Member
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Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree in the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's Girl Scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this one with my son's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next eighteen years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs (in any color, except purple, which I already have) that don't ache after a day of chasing kids. I'd like arms that don't flap in the breeze and that are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint - resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs with talking animals, and an invisible closet where I can hide and talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy," to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be out of the children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please, don't forget the Play-Doh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschooler's. It comes in three fluorescent colors guaranteed to crumble on any carpet and make the in-laws house seem just like home. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning to the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature and not served in a styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without them demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized-crime family. Could you please make my toddler not look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight. Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my son saw my feet under the laundry-room door and wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet. Oh, and one more thing Santa: You can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in you. Always, Mom
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