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feeling like i'm knocking on heaven's door

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Old 06-25-2009, 06:38 PM   #1
MandaC
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I think I've been looking
In all the wrong places
All the half cracked smiles
And all the mindless faces

I think I'm gonna give up soon
Afterall
Never gonna make it to the moon

The stars are too far
The sun too hot
When I look at it now
I'm all that I've got

I know I've been saying
I'll make them all pay
You just watch me rise
I'll make it some day

To the stars that are too far
And the sun that's too hot
When I look at it now
I'm all that I've got
-----


I'm so sick of popping pills, guys. I'm so sick of the heartache. I'm so sick of me. I'm so sick of being a burden to people. You guys think I'm exaggerating, but NO ONE wants to be around me anymore. I've lost. I know everyone says I should take meds and go to the doctor. But that's not what this is about this time. I'm not crashing. I'm of sound mind. I've ruined so many of my relationships. I'm so destroyed. No one wants to be around me. I don't want to be around me.

I know, I'm sorry. Same old story.
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Old 06-25-2009, 06:44 PM   #2
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Manda, We want you here.
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Old 06-25-2009, 07:33 PM   #3
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Dear Manda, there is absolutely no reason to feel you need to say sorry for feeling the way you are feeling. Your feelings are real and your expressing them is important. Nothing to say sorry for Manda.

Your title thread reminded me of Bob Dylan's words from Knocking on Heaven's Door...

:That long black cloud is comin' down :

It does feel that way for you at the moment by the sound of it.

You will get through this you know. You just have to keep kicking that black cloud away.



P.S. I've just read a great post you made a week or so ago... here's a little reminder.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/post523348-56.html
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Old 06-25-2009, 07:38 PM   #4
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that is the exact line i've been repeating over and over in my head
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Old 06-25-2009, 08:39 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MandaC View Post
that is the exact line i've been repeating over and over in my head
Hug yourself! You're worth it Manda. If I were there I'd give you a hug.
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Old 06-25-2009, 09:37 PM   #6
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(((Manda))), can you accept the fact that many here truly want you here with us? It's true, Manda!

Some years (or seasons) in life are much more difficult than others, for sure. Yet, they are not all the same, Manda. Life changes, circumstances change, feelings change...sometimes just as often as the weather patterns change.

I see great strength in you. I have great faith you will overcome...anything/everything that causes you to doubt yourself. You will overcome anything/everything that clouds your own sense of your true worth. Patience ((Dear Manda)).

I hope you will continue to allow us to love you, to accept you, to support you and more! You are worthy, Manda! And...will you accept us...accept our support for you...accept our faith in you...will you accept our acceptance of you? I hope so! I truly hope so, Manda!

I have tremendous hope for you and for your future!
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Old 06-26-2009, 05:15 AM   #7
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INDBzo0bT0k



David
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Old 06-26-2009, 06:10 AM   #8
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R.E.M - Everybody Hurts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pudOFG5X6uA
hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...hold on...

David
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Last edited by DMACK; 06-26-2009 at 09:27 PM.
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Old 06-26-2009, 07:02 AM   #9
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((((((((Manda)))))))) Depression really is such a beast and it's got a hold on you right now. Please remember that our circumstances change..and that sometimes we just have to gut it out. I'm so glad you told us how rotten you are feeling...it's important to talk about it..we may seem like "strangers" to you but we are real people who have been where you are now, and lived to tell it. Few of us will have the opportunity to meet in person but that doesn't mean we don't understand how difficult it is sometimes to put one foot in front of the other and "carry on".

When I was on the floor, I sometimes got on my knees and sometimes that helped. Let us lift you up...or try to.
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Old 06-26-2009, 05:57 PM   #10
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Thank you all for the words, the music, the reminders...I appreciate it.

I can't believe I'm struggling so bad. I'm kind of getting angry with myself and I feel so needy I hate it!

That guy really messed with the trust I put in people. So there are only like 3people I honestly trust. And 2 of them want nothing to do with me. Won't answer my calls or anything. So I'm left with one person I trust that I can tell is starting to get fed up with me. I really do feel alone. I know people care. But I feel like I'm standing in a field alone. No one is around. What makes it worse is, the guy that I trust and have been trying to get a hold of probably thinks I'm obsessed with him on a romantic level...which is NOT the case. I just really could've used his shoulder to cry on a couple of times. But now everyone is taking their shoulders away. I'm physically alone. I don't know how to cope with that. Do NOT get me wrong, you guys have become a family to me and I love all of you. It's just hard when I can't go to people I actually can see and go and get hugs from. I know I should talk to a psych, but at the same time, I want REAL people that still want to be around me.

I know, the same old story. I just don't know how to frame this in a positive light. I don't know how to finish the sentence "people distancing themselves from me is a good thing because ______________________"

Ugh.
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