well i wrote mom awhile back telling her that i feel like i've let you down...and that you're aware that i've let you down. and she didn't correct me otherwise, so i'm assuming i'm correct.

and she pretty much suggested that you and i should have our distance (well she confirmed my suggestion, which makes me think you have talked to mom about me...which is totally fine).
first off, this isn't written in an angry or sad tone. it's written in an "it is what it is" tone.
so this is pretty much an email of facts. not guilt or assumptions.

i know i've let you down as a sister and as a friend and as whatever else. i come across as selfish. i come across as needy. i stress people out when they're around me. i know all these things. i'm not stupid. i know that you, laurie, etc resent me for the stuff i've pulled. but that's the thing. you guys see it as things "i've pulled." i see it as "things i had to do." i don't expect anyone to understand. you can hate me. you honestly can. i don't want you to. i'm not happy about it. but i can't control it. and i know i'll let you down again. i think you think i do it on purpose or that i only care about myself. or that i'm selfish and don't think of others. if that's what you think of me (and i'm pretty sure you do), then i'm sorry, but i'm not going to try and change your mind. because, like i said, i'm sure i'll do a hundred things to make you feel that way about me. i don't do anything intentionally. i don't only think about myself. that's the most convincing i can do.

and i'm not saying this in an accusing tone, but you honest to god don't know what it's like to be me (and visa versa, of course). i know you worry about me. i'm grateful. i know i stress you out, and i'm trying to limit the things i tell you for this reason. i know i have to be careful about our relationship from now on. i remember crying in disneyland, during the fireworks and asking mom to take me out of the crowd and she didn't. i remember driving in dad's truck to the cabin against my will and him "hitting" me in the stomach to keep quiet (out of frustration....never repeat this memory again please). i remember a lot of things. i know it wasn't easy for people around me. i'm not so selfish that i don't remember these things. i did what i had to do last month. i for once needed someone to pull me out of the situation, not just keep me pinned in it. did i fake being suicidal? heck no. i reached out to people that i needed to pull me out. i'm sure you see me as dad who just gets mopey and brings people down. maybe that's who i've become. i'm not sure. what was i supposed to do? keep my mouth shut? it was a scary time for me. i didn't know what was going on. one day i'm talking on the phone with mom perfectly fine, and the next day i can't take my eyes off of a 3 months supply of pills sitting on my desk. i didn't fake this stuff. maybe i should keep it to myself or choose people carefully. i don't know. all i know is, i didn't want to die but i needed people to help me out of the situation...rather than thinking "manda can sit and cry in this crowd until she's all cried out" or "manda is going to take this trip to the cabin and have a good weekend if it's the last thing she does." you'll never get it trish. i don't expect you to. and i think i've spent a large portion of my life trying to get people to understand me. i tell my feelings in SUCH detail that the people around me take on the stress. which makes me happy b/c i know my point has been made. but makes me sad b/c i see that no one else can handle it. you couldn't, neither could jay, nigel, laurie.....mom and dad when i was a kid.....and i think people think that b/c i function normally day to day now that i don't have issues still. because i'm not scared of throwing up in public, people think all my issues are gone. it's hard realizing that no one else can deal with it because in the end I HAVE to deal with it. i don't get the choice of distancing myself. i don't get the choice of walking away.

this is my life. no one else understands it. so in a way i have to be selfish. because i know that as much as people say they love me and accept me for who i am....they'll never fully accept me as i am....ALL of me. i have to love myself and look after myself....i don't mean to be selfish and put ppl down or not be there for others. i get jealous sometimes because there was a time when i really didn't like my life so it was hard to see others happy.

you are on my mind many times in a day. more than you'll ever know. i don't like that i've caused you stress and have ruined certain things in your life. i know the indifference you feel towards dad sometimes and i know that i've taken ownership to some of that indifference. i'm not completely stupid and so self absorbed that i don't see what's going on. i don't try to be selfish. i just don't know that anyone will ever accept me as i am.

i don't know where this leaves our relationship. i don't think either of us feel comfortable talking to each other for our own reasons. i apologize for the damage i've done. i'm not in a position to fix it right now. i do want to hear about things (like your date), i'm trying my best to be a better person to you. but there are a lot of things i know i've let you down with. and idon't like myself as a person and as a sister for that.

i'm sorry trish. i wish i could wash away all i've done with everyone. and i unfortunately can't. i'm sure people think i moved to a new city to run away from jay. but the truth is, i kind of ran away from everyone else. i became toxic to the people i love the most. i know i'm not viewed in too positive of a light. so i had to leave. i don't want to be that disease, you know?

i think i've made the right decision moving here. i'm doing well here and have distanced myself from people enough. i don't want to share every detail anymore.

i know you're not pleased with this email. but this has hung between us for a long time now and one of us had to address it. so i decided to in hopes of somewhat clearing my name as this horrible sister and friend. and i know that maybe this isn't enough, but this is all i can offer right now.

you're going to roll your eyes at how i'm ending this email, but hopefully it demonstrates my tone in this email---i hope the date goes well tomorrow night and that you at least find yourself having a bit of fun. i do want to know how it goes. i do still want to hear about things and talk to you. i'm just watching how "close" i get because i know that it's a slippery slope for people when it comes to my issues.

you dont' have to worry about writing back. i know that maybe we should have kept this as an unspoken truth between us, but i think that's kind of insulting both of our intelligence. we're not stupid. we love each other. i know this will never change. but i know there's resentment between us right now. i know i've worried you and everyone else and i don't expect you or anyone else to forgive me. i know that feelings of hate are there. i've known for a long time.

love you trish. that'll never change.

My Dear....MandaC....

Where do i begin.............................??

i dont know your age...and foirgve me if i am being presupmtuious... i am guessing under 20?


your e-mail to your sister was..balancend..well thought... and porportionate [though you obviously held back]

you are a wonderful young woman..MandaC......

IM the youngest of nine children...sometimes i hurt [quite often] other times i dont... yet i know we have to do this life indepedently...as i know ....that no one else will do this for us [true martyrs]

Being honest with your sister is the way forward[holding back....never works] but dont waste your life awaiting a positive response, as the chances are you will never hear...what you want to hear.........

please dont now, ............ or ever think my tone is patronising.....your youthfulness, coupled with your imidiate familys resistance to medical explanation...realy conerns me..
many adults with more years on the clock...dismiss crisis...when its arrround..or in our FACE.].....



We all need. Love../.consideration./ hope .[sadly it doesnt often come from those, we completely know

Manda, I really like what David said about wasting your life waiting for a positive response and I also agree that you will probably never hear what you want to hear.

We can't make people like us..we can't become someone elses definition of who we are...or who they think we are. We can only change our own attitudes about our lives.

I'm glad you moved...I feel like you have a new beginning in life..don't drag that old baggage around with you..leave it back there.

It's great to hear from you.

((((Manda)))) - if I'm not mistaken, I think this is the first time I have written to you. When you came into the room, I was there... sitting with you and the others who come to our forum.... I was listening... and if you could see me, you would have often seen my smile of understanding or my head nodding. You have been surrounded by some terrific support and altho I knew I could speak, what I would have said had already been spoken by you or the others. So, I nodded my head with support.

Today I am speaking directly to you (and of course, the others) to thank you for sharing such an intimate piece of who you are.

Like David, I don't know your age, but my thought is that you are quite wise beyond your years.

You are figuring out who you are. You have amazing insight into the whys of your life... and are moving forward figuring it all out... and (a lot like me...!!) forever analyzing things to make the best of the here and now.

I've said this before and never stop saying it - half the battle of depression/suicidal thoughts is recognizing it and talking about it - reaching out for help!

Some people in our lives understand this and are able to help us. Others can't. I've learned that its OK if they don't get it. I used to be angry towards them but figured it really isn't their fault - (it is what it is!) and they can't change themselves unless they want to change.

You mentioned that you were toxic. I don't hesitate to say - perhaps it wasn't you. Perhaps it was them.

Life's circumstances brought you to where you are are, Manda. You're moving on and away from a toxic life. You're reaching out and searching to help yourself. I have silently applauded you here... now I am speaking out.

Where you are right now... and where you are heading is good for you. Life is a slippery roller coaster ride... a mountain to climb... and so many things in between - good and bad. Recognizing that is half the battle, too.

So I applaud you for sharing the "unspoken truth" between you and your sister.

I applaud you for having no expectations ... and for loving, forgiving and accepting your sister for who she is.

Addy (who is going to be late for work if she doesn't get moving!!)

(((Manda))) Thank you for sharing that.

What a wonderful and heartfelt letter. No, families don't understand depression or any type of emotional imbalance. I wish I had your bravery and your writing skills to follow your lead in writing to my brother, as I believe we have a similar situation. I was the "black sheep" of the family. He came along 11 years after I was born and was raised not to be like his sister/me. He wasn't. My family saw me as "pulling things" too, when, in reality, I was just trying to make friends. I hear your truth. I believe I am toxic, too, although I feel that people probably don't see you that way as much as you think. It sounds like you have made a healthy decision for yourself. Thumbs up! hugs, Manda billie bluecat

hi all, i haven't really felt like writing these last couple of weeks, but i will soon. i just wanted to say that all of your responses provided me with hope and strength...and interestingly enough, pride too.

david, to answer your question, i'm 23.

i will respond in depth soon about recent developments....

i hope you are all keeping well. i think of all of you often

oh, and welcome billie