Hi everyone, thanks for your concern. It was a good trip!

I got to town on a Thursday, an dstayed in a hotel. I was picked up by my friend and we did some "fun" stuff for a while. Went to the old hang outs, ran into some old friends, Played some pool, all that stuff. Then on day two, we went to the movies and visited our friend in the hospital who had a heart attack earlier in the week.

I was scheduled to see my step dad on Saturday at 1:00. So, I walked into his "hangout" (which is the local pub) and everyone greeted me with a hearty hello and lots of hugs. I'm the local kid who now lives across the country in California and only comes home every three or four years. It was nice to see all the friends! Of course there was that first few awkward moments when they didn't know what to say, so no one "mentioned" my mom. They all just asked about my kids, and I shared pictures of them. I brought up mom, told them how my daughters resembled her, and how my granddaughter was born right after mom passed away. It's funny how people in a small town just learn to "not talk about" things that they are uncomfortable with. Well, I love my mom and I wasn't going to leave her out of the conversation! So, none of them knew how to respond, but they agreed, then moved on with the conversation to how the weather was in California. It's so "typical" of how they are back there. (That's why I'm "from" there!)

Anyway, he and I drove out to Jefferson Barracks (the military graveyard where she is buried) and went to her grave site. We took her flowers. He went to her site first and said to her, "Hey kiddo (that's what he always called her), look who I brought with me" then he asked her if she had seen any deer lately. It's a beautiful graveyard with lots of deer around it. I had only been there once.

On the plane, and many times before I had seen myself sitting in front of her grave stone talking to her, telling her all the things I wanted her to know, how mad I was at her, and how much I missed her, how sick I was and that I needed her. And now that I was finally there, all I could do was cry. I could only tell her how beautiful my granddaughter was. How much I loved her, and that now my girls were grown, it was time for us to do all the things we had always talked about, like going on cruises, and "grown up" vacations without the kids.

Then an interesting thing happened. My step dad and I (whom I had always had a really weird relationship with, because he was so hard to get to know) sat on the bench by her grave and talked. Now I'm 46 years old, so I'm not a little kid, but he started asking me questions like, "do you ever plan to get married again?" "How are you doing now?" "Have you started saving for your retirement?" Things he never really asked me about before. "Real" questions. He has no parents, no siblings, no children. He only had my mom. And now, he only has me. And I only have him, besides my children. So it's interesting how we have grown closer. He married my mom after I was grown and gone. But he introduces me to his friends as his "daughter"

Anyway, we went back to the house then. I went into her room. (They had a bedroom together, but the guest room was "her" room and the master bedroom was "his" room, she kept her clothes in the guest room and he kept his clothes in the master bedroom. It was part of her illness, it made her feel more empowered to have her own space, so he tolerated it.)
He has kept the room pretty much the same. He added a few of his car trophies. (he's a big car guy, has lots of trophies). It had a much lighter feel to it. No sadness any more. I felt really safe there.

You know, the only time I really cried was at the grave yard when I was sad about her not being able to see my granddaughter, and going on "grown up" vacations with me. That's what we used to call them, because we used to go to Disneyland and all the "kid" places for so many years that we looked forward to going on cruises, etc.

I feel pretty good about my trip. It was not as sad or depressing as I thought it would be!

I also found out that my step dad cares a lot more about me than he ever showed in the past.
Thank you all for caring and going through it with me!

Terri