((moi)) I am in a reflective mode, looking back.. trying to find reasons to hold on. I have read your whole post over and over. I enjoyed it and took something new away from it each time.

Lynn's time is running out.... there is no timeline given, you can just see the decline. The heart I think, knows when that last break is coming. I think I am trying to find ways to survive his loss. I have been losing him inch by inch for so many years you would think I would be use to each new loss. Not by a long shot.....

Having him in the nursing home has been worse than anything I could have imagined. I liken it to boot camp, preparing me for the war I have to face later, life without Lynn.

Consumed with losing him, coupled with Dad's suicide... somewhere along the way I lost who I was. Not just the things I use to do, the things I use to love, but WHO I am.

Lynn's loss is tragic, heartbreaking, devastating. It is a cruel relentless disease. But I have no anger, no sense of injustice. He didn't break my heart, he is not choosing to leave me…..like Dad did.

In the years since his diagnoses, I have had to work through each stage of grief, for each new loss. A few years back, I saw that I was holding on so tight to the past, to what we had, to who WE were together.... that I was losing out on the time we had left.

That is the first time I built a window. I had closed myself in, surrounded myself in the heartache and pain for so many years that it was a very difficult window to build! But the blessings I received far outweighed the pain it caused me to create it.

Dad's suicide sealed up that window and any speck of hope or light within me.

I have been thinking and thinking since I read your story ((moi)) and I think it is time I try to build another window Thank you

Wow! I hope you are posting this in the Altzheimers forum also NikKi...it is so very heartfelt, so agonizing..and so familiar. I loved what you are teaching us about holding on to the past and losing the now. Such a lesson there for us all.

Moi

Thanks for sharing the rest of the story with us. I kept checking back to see if you'd posted it.....I had to know what happened! Like others have said many times - you should write a book. You absolutely have a special talent. Thanks for being you!

Moi, you are so special. That girl was the lucky one. I'm glad it was a good time in a bad time, we all need those and remember the details, because it's like a lifeline.

I remember my first college English class, which I dropped after two sessions. The teacher announced that it would be "a cold day in hell" before anyone got an "A" in his class.

I was envious of a girl in the class from a wealthy family. She had everything she wanted, including self confidence.

She got a not so good grade on her first paper. The assignment had been to buy a lemon at the grocery store, then write two pages about that lemon.

I wrote three pages, lol. When the teacher was handing back the papers, he looked at me for a few seconds, like he was studying me. I had an "A" on that paper and several comments, but dropped the class because my car quit working and I didn't have a way to class.

That look stayed with me. The little things mean a lot sometimes.

dear Nik,

I don't know what to say, all I can think of right now is that old cliché:

When one door closes, another opens. (except we use windows, in this case)

I am so glad that you are thinking about building another window....to let some light in...and I've got tons of WINDEX ® to help you keep it polished and shined to let some sunshine in...


ditto on that sentiment, dear woman!!

and thank you for being you, kitty!

I have to be absolutely honest...I always feel like I don't write good enough...

I don't write like other writers...I took a writers' workshop years ago and I walked away frustrated and angered because I couldn't do a lot of what the workshop suggested...I just don't think that way...(the way they taught it)

I only then realized later on that everyone has their own way of writing...

I would call mine kind of a lazy style...I am lazy in editing, I am lazy with my language, and I always feel like I don't write everything that I am thinking about...

I drive myself crazy as I write, I have no script nor brain storm. Everything just comes out as I type. I do try to go back to edit my grandma(grammar) but then I get to the point of too lazy and then just forget about it. LOL

I am always very flattered whenever someone would think that I write "well" and I really am humbled....because I know that I always will have room for improvement...maybe I have progressed...

(thank you to those that think I write well, I am really honored and flattered!! I'll keep on trying.... )

awwwww, wizzy!! You are right, the little things DO mean a lot sometimes....

it doesn't surprise me that you got an "A"....I remember your typology test, aren't you in that 1%-tile with Einstein??

that girl from the wealthy family with the self-confidence....I'll bet a rat's left popsicle that she would have one time or another, suffered from some sort of low self-esteem....and if she did, I hope she got over it.

And maybe by the time you met her, she was aware of herself and on the path of self-love...
and that's good...

You're pretty special yourself, wiz....you're funny and you've always supported the moisses with your love and caring thoughts...we thank you so very much!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I kept on coming back to this post myself, not because I am trying to promote it...but it just kept me thinking about the "walls"

I know many of us have probably have conversations that involve "breaking down" another person's walls...

and I am wondering for myself, that in the future, if I get involve in such a conversation, that I'll just say, "instead of breaking down his/her wall, let's build him/her some windows..."

because for me, I don't ever want my walls knocked or broken down...just give me some windows, eh?

for the broom