Hi everybody,

A young relative of mine is married to a pretty bad alcoholic. She's only 31 years old and they have an 11 year old daughter.

He is in prison for the second time following some sort of assault or battery committed at a store in their town. This time they sent him to a maximum security prison downstate.

I just learned today that she is divorcing him. She has given him dozens of chances to change over the years but he keeps going back to drinking each time.

They've also had joint counseling many times.

She has been the sole provider of the family, and is working her way through school to get a better job.

I was glad to hear she is finally divorcing him. I like him, but I feel this is the only way to force him to change. He will either change, or get worse. I hope he gets help.

Their daughter has been so sad the past few years. Imagine trying to deal with questions from your friends at that age.

Someone said, but he's always so good with the daughter, he is such a good dad, etc ...

I'm sorry, but if he's a good dad he will stop drinking for his daughter and get his life together.

When his wife told him she's divorcing him, he asked, "Who is going to take care of me?"

The woman sounds like she has been through enough. Its horrible to deal with someone that has a drinking issue. It sounds like he exihibits very little control over his habits, and the consquenses of them. Even if he is a "good daddy" with his lil girl, he is still in trouble. Does he drink and drive with her in the car? Does he ask her to hid his behaviors? "shhh, dont tell mommy" kinda stuff is quite harmful to children. It sounds like momma has finally reached the level of having done this long enough. You can still love someone, and really care about what happens to them, and still find a need to protect yourself and your children. She is his WIFE, not his mommy, and its time HE took care of himself.

My first husband was a stupid drunk. He was not a happy, funny drunk. (he thought he was funny) he was just mean. I put up with it for a looooong time, before finally saying that I just wasnt able to carry the both of us anymore. It was my salary that kept the house afloat, and his salary kept the dancers fat in tips. the bartender fat in tips, and the autobody repair man fat in tips. You can kill love. its been proven.

I hope your friend is able to get some help from the systems. There are programs in place that would help her.

hugs and prayers for her.

Oh, he sounds like a prize! Good for her for standing up and taking charge of her and her daughter's life. I hope it all turns out for the best.

In answer to his question I'd have said "the State for now!".

I hope the mom and daughter take advantage of Al-Anon. I think there is even a one for kids.

Addictions, no matter how not extreme i.e. smoking, are very hard to quit. Ask any smoker that has tried and "failed."

Giving them counseling will help them and I think it is a non-profit.

Wiz, I almost didn't open this thread . I've seen this scenario play out with more friends and family members than I care to admit . My baby sister is married to a bipolar recovering alcoholic. He's destroyed her credit, verbally abused her etc. etc. He is medicated and not drinking anymore but I still worry. They don't have any kids together, thank God. Sometimes I wish she would just divorce him now because of all of the things he's done.

I really hope your relative can stick to her guns and not take him back especially for her child's sake.

To you and your relative that she stays strong through this. Being an enabler for so long takes time to unravel. This is her first step to a normal stable life for her and her child.

I think she is making a very wise decision. Maybe this will be the wake up call that he needs to get some help. I wish her and her daughter the best.

Good for her, Wiz. It's a little scary and sad, but staying with someone in his path is very scary and tragic. It sounds like she made the right choice to correct what was probably once, the wrong choice.

I used to devote a lot of time to helping women get out of substance and physically abusive marriages. Tell her for me that there are thousands of women like me out there waiting in the wings ready and willing to help her! First stop: closest women's resource center.

She is ok, she lives with her Mom. They all did, he never had a job long enough for them to even try to make it on their own. Her Dad is paying for the divorce expenses. The only people likely to try to attempt to dissuade her are her daughter, soon to be ex, and MIL. Everyone else will be cheering her on for this decision, believe me. She definitely has my support and many, many other people.