I have decided that I am not going to sit here all winter. If the DH comes, then...he comes, and if he doesnt, he doesnt. I am considering spending the Christmas holiday in North Carolina. I havent seen my family in years, and with my 30th high school reunion just coming up, many many friends long since forgotten have crawled out of the wood work to say hello. I am going to rent a cabin towards town, so I can have ease of shopping and restaurants without having to lay on someones couch. DH has a hunt planned for the first week of December, and it upset me greatly that it interupted my plans. My local MD wont give me permission to drive. My sister is behaving badly and a friend who I can take in small doses swore that if I showed up, she was going to plop on whatever couch i had and stay with me the whole time. My trip was being ruined before I ever packed my suitcase.

I AM going. I have not made up my mind if I am flying or driving, but I AM going. My friend can stay 7 days, no longer. My sister cannot camp on my door, and my mother will just have to understand that I dont want to sleep on her couch. If I drive (which I am extremely tempted to do) I can stay for as long or as short as I like. I will save a ton on car rentals, and can use that money for a pampering party for me. DH can either come or not. He probably wont as he doesnt have the travel bug, and that will be upsetting, but I cant change that.

I AM getting out of here this year! For the last 4 years something has gotten in my way of leaving. MS, liver enzymes, side effects, MRIs that got scheduled during my away time, DH that doesnt want to go, and so forth. I am hoping to tempt him into going by throwing out special places along the way. Does hersey PA stay open all year? Washington DC is always a nice spot for the Marine in him. I want him to want to go, but must make plans if he choses to not go. I could really use his help out on the road, but not the attitude, so I am conflicted about which is better. he goes, I get help. He stays I get peace.

Thanks for all the pep talks. DH has been out hunting two days in a row and the quiet house has really helped. and yes, i DO know I am allowing myself a pity party. I promise not to live here, I just needed to visit once in a while. I am starting to clean up the party favors, and snacks and ushering my old friends home. Doubt was a fun guy till the sun came up. Exhaustion was a riot till I got some sleep. Frustration always manages to amaze me with his party tricks of how strong he is. Disappointment can talk the others into just about anything. I was happy to see the late comers to the party. Faith always livens the mood, and Hope can bring some good stories with her. Laughter was much needed to lighten the mood, and determination is helping me usher the rest out the door and into their cars. they dont have to go home, but they cant sleep here.

I could have written so much of your posts, Deb. I am depleted and worn out. I seem to have value only to the extent of what I can do for others and it really ticks me off. I keep telling people what I need and want and no one listens. Yesterday was a really bad day and I had a serious pity party for awhile then just gave up.

I hope I can get to a point where I can get some rest for my soul and discover who I really am other than the person that everyone needs.

Dej,

I'm with Craig. As the old saying goes, "We're dealt a hand...it's how we play it that makes the difference."

Sometimes I lay in bed at night, in DH's arms, and sob...and tell him I want to leave Earth. It makes him feel so sad and helpless...that he can't solve this problem...but he just holds me and lets me cry.

Then I get up the next day, dust myself off, and fight on. By the end of the day, of course, I'm usually toast, but at least I got out of bed.

I have been reading "The Power of Now" by Echart Tolle. The main message is that the past is gone. Can't change it. The future is never guaranteed. So the only time we have is this moment.

I have pretty much stopped regretting the past. I don't make many long-range plans, don't look forward to grandkids or traveling the world. If it all comes my way, or I get the opportunity, great. If MS gets in the way, so be it.

I'm not always in tune with living in the moment, finding my bliss, etc. But when I'm in the groove, this moment feels like Heaven on Earth. Each breath is a gift. I am grateful for all that has come my way, good and bad, to bring me to this moment.

Now, as for DH's dependency, my DH is one of those, "Where are my...did you see my..." in the past, I used to jump up and get involved in his drama of the moment.

No more...now the answer is, "Gee, no I haven't...wonder where it is?" and I let him search. He's a big boy, and if he misplaced something, he can look for it.
I am not healthy...I have my own issues...I let him and my kids have theirs. I have given up being a messiah; I am not here to save everyone.

I am guilty of not taking time to do what I want...partially because I don't know what I want to do I am fortunate in that DH has provided a comfortable life for us, and insists on going to Hawaii every year, which I always fight him about until I get there...then all cares melt away. So he takes care of me in ways that are beyond measure.

I'm rambling...I am proud that you have become assertive. It is important for MSers to do this...I wonder sometimes if there is an "MS personality" like there is a "Type A" personality that is attached to women with endometriosis...

Anyway, sometimes you have to quietly say, "No." No to neighbors. No to relatives. No even to your spouse. Not to be mean, or b#$chy...just to take care of yourself...

(((Dej)))