[Dejibo]

I have run and run and run to get many things done. hard things, things that required life and death choices for my animals, and choices that were stressful, such as selling my home for much less than its worth, simply to be able to move on, and then lets not even mention my family is behaving badly. Mom had angioplasty, sis swears she herself is near death and I should love her now (read wants money) and my brothers are fighting and wont talk to mom. Everyone turns to me for an update. Rich neighbors up the street seem to think I am some sort of free caretaker for the winter, and I had planned a trip, and the DH came home to tell me about a wonderful chance to go hunting with some guys he hasnt seen in years. He was like a little kid he was so happy. I didnt tell him I had book plans for ME to leave that week. *sigh*

Is anyone else running on an empty cup? I called a local friend to take my DH to the shooting range today. I slipped money in his pocket and gave him permission to eat what ever he wants (in other words be gone past lunch!) Frequently when DH is home, his to do list overwhelms mine. I will be cleaning out a drawer, and he will say "can you come help me for a sec?" and then an hour later, I can go back to my own to do list only to hear "hey honey?!"

I am growing angry, and frustrated and well...quite sad. I know its a matter of not taking good care of me, by doing me me and oh yeah me things. How do I tell my wonderful, supportive caring DH to GO AWAY! please, just leave me be for awhile! Im tired, because if anyone comes near my circle it usually ends up being work for me.

[Aarcyn]

Ah Dej. I want give you advice but what you probably need is empathy and sympathy.

[Kitty]

Dej, I don't know what to tell you since I spend most of my time alone. Well, alone with three cats who think they're royalty...but that's my fault.

I cherish my solitude. I never in a million years would have ever thought I'd be like this.......as I've never been alone in my life until 2001. I went from home to marriage to marriage and kids....always someone around. And needing something.

Now, it's pretty much just me. And I've come to love it. Maybe you could just sit him down and talk to him. Non-confrontational conversation...and ask him if he understands that you love him but just need some alone time. Even if he's at home.....he just needs to pretend that you're not and handle things by himself.

You shouldn't have to compromise your plans just because he all of a sudden got invited to go somewhere.

P.S. When did you sell your house??

[Dejibo]

I swear, I love love love this man, and husbands just dont come made better, stronger, faster or more compassionate, but if God forbid I found myself alone, would NEVER commit to marriage again.

Isnt is awful? this man has given so much to me and I am struggling to just find some solitude. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings, but I am gonna snap if I dont find a way to refuel my own cup soon.

[NeuroNixed Craig]

Dear Dejibo,

You are taking the troubles of world upon your own shoulders and unjustifiably so. You are giving these people permission to mess with your thoughts, attitude, solitude, individuality, personal freedom, and personal enjoyment of life. Why? I mean it, Why?

Do not take ownership of other people's challenges. You can not change them. Most don't want to change and are looking for someone else to take responsibility for their troubles, thus they play the victim.

Based on my personal experience, tell the family and neighbors what you think and what they can do with it. You're not their guardians. They need to take personal responsibility for their own situations, family talking to family, not through you. Family want's money, give them directions to the bank, you have your own financial family needs which always have priority. Demand respect from your rich neighbors, you're nobody's caretaker but your own.

Actually, your DH situation is the easiest of all to work out. Simply sit down and talk to him one-on-one so you both understand each others wants and needs under the circumstances. Respect goes both ways and if not done yet, ground rules need to be established both can be happy with. My wife of 36 years and I work as a team with a 60%/40% relationship. Both giving 60% and expecting 40% in return, giving us a nice 20% cushion for the rough times every couples experiences. If there is no give and take on both parties part then there are deeper challenges which must be addressed.

Dejibo, do not take all of these burdens, much of which are out of your control, upon your own shoulders. Siblings are adults, reflect their own responsibilities back upon them and do not allow yourself to give them permission to control your well being. People will always use other people as long as they can get away with it, especially within families. It allows them to not face their own inadequacies. Do not take ownership of them. You have enough to personally deal with in life and your own family always priority over your "adult" family.

I know much of what I am sharing with you sounds cold and ruthless. On the contrary, I've been where you are, thus I prefer to share with you what you should hear vs. what you may want to hear. Take my comments for what they may or may not be worth to you. The choice is always yours to make. You do have absolute power over your own thoughts and attitude. Don't allow others to take that away from you.

Your are in my thoughts and prayers. What I have shared is very simple, but not easy.

[Kitty]

Craig, you could/should be a therapist! That was some awesome advice.

[kicker]

Craig, you do give wonderful advice, but you are such a guy!|!! Women seem to be wired to try to make everyone happy, notice and take care of small details and stuff, hear stuff, etc. Deij, it is hard to put ourselves first. I'm alone all day but DH comes home, DD or DS texts or e-mails from college with needs and I'm such a mother and idiot, I try to take care of ASAP. Of course it's nobody or everybody at the same time.

Deij, Those neighbors are not your immediate loved ones and have no claims on you. "Sorry, I can't" and you owe them nothing more. Husbands and kids are different. There are times and activities they have to be taught they can't intrude on. DD knows when she e-mails MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM she grabs my attention and I need to work on that. You'll set boundaries.

PS My SIL and I (we married brothers) always said when they die we're getting "never again" tattooed on our foreheads. Marriage, never again that is.

[doydie]

sounds like you need to tell the DH to take his trip with his friend, unplug the phone and have a 'me' weekend....just by yourself. Eat that chocolate that your DH brought home and breathe easy.

[debw]

So sorry for your sadness Dej. I can seriously understand what your saying! You are a do-er kind of person, you do it all!! You spend a lot of time and energy taking care of everyone, sounds like. I understand what Craig is trying to say, but I don't know if you know how, ...but how do we stop doing? I don't know how to stop... It wears you out!!
I think someone might be disappointed in me, if I don't worry about everything for everyone. Trouble is, now everybody expects it of me.
Sometimes I'm afraid to tell my husband how I feel, about doing stuff for me, cause I don't want him to disappointed in me, that I can't handle everything.
I understand what your saying.
Sometimes, I just stay up late , he goes to bed early for work, and just hang out, in peace. That's about the only me time I get.
We will be here, if you need to vent, and know, we are thinking about ya!
Deb

[NeuroNixed Craig]

This is so interesting. I fully understand women are totally geared to nurture and put others first. Sometimes the one who MUST come first in order to keep going is the woman.

Simply put it to your husband as a "problem" you're wrestling with and just talk about it. Being a "man" our first instinct is to "FIX PROBLEMS." Thus he will come up with a, or several, solutions to "Fix the Problem." See how this works?

I know this from experience as my wife was at a tough point between me, kids in college, work, and family. Bottom line, I sent her to the beach for a three day get away all by herself staying at an oceanfront inexpensive hotel off season. She returned a completely different woman.

Do what women are so good at doing, make it seem like you're getting away by yourself and his going away hunting is totally "HIS" idea. Bada-Bing-Bada-Boom everybody wins.