I recently learned my mother is quite sick, has had some heart issues, and is struggling. I suspect that if I dont get down to visit that I will miss seeing her one last time. Its awful tho! My druggie sister is already gearing up telling me how much of the momma load she has carried over the years, and wants me to reimburse MY share of the expenses she has had to carry over the years.

I KNOW my mom cashed in her life insurance policy to give cash to my druggie sister, so there is NO money to bury her. My bible thumping bro said he doesnt want to hear anything about her, unless its where the service is. The germophobe said that he may or may not show up even if he does know where the service is, but probably wont, unless he recieves a full and complete apology from that old lady before she dies. its HER move! he says. She has one sister who is alive, but she is so horribly, devestatingly poor and abused herself by her own family that she cant/wont make the service let alone contribute to it. I have a bi polar neice and nephew who are so dysfunctional and dependant on my mom for goodies and staples that they are going to really suffer and fall apart when she dies.

All of this drama BEFORE I even look up air fares, or rental car rates makes me want to shink back and not go anywhere near any of it! Right now, my mom tells me on the phone that she is fine! We all know that she isnt, and I struggle with letting go of so much garbage simply to go visit with her one last time. Even if she survives for the next year, I doubt I will have it in me to visit again. Its too stressful, too much drama, and too heavy to carry. I have fought for the last 48 years to get this woman to see me, love me, acknowledge me, comfort me. I guess I have to treat her badly to get her attention and I refuse to do that.

My question is. Should I go? Should i push thru my own pain, worry, stress and bitterness and go visit the old woman. If I go, I would FLY. the stress of seeing her, and just my family is too draining on me to sit in a car and work myself up to get there. Plus I would be so exhausted for the ride home that I would be dangerous on the road. I HATE my family! they make even the simple things so hard.

So, give me your opinion and then tell me your family story, and then give me a hug please.

Here's the hug: You don't want to hear my family story; we were the Waltons. And as far as my opinion? Only you know which choice you will regret more in days to come. It's a risk you have to take, one way or the other, and you don't strike me as one who's afraid of risk.

You can't pick your family. You're stuck with them. Genetically, that is. Sounds to me like you have given it a fair try. I know if I had to deal with a parent and siblings like you've described I would be hiding and making my phone number unlisted.

I have such a hard time relating to this scenario, though, because I was extremely close to my parents and my sister. And I'm still very close with the one sister I have who is still alive.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't know how you'd feel after the fact if you didn't go. Would it be worse than going and dealing with all the stress that you already know is waiting for you. Only you can answer that. One thing I can do for you, though, is keep you in my prayers. And that I promise to do.

Maybe it is just me? but I don`t allow " I am family " to be used as an excuse for bad behavior. From my view point accepting it and them enables them.

Only you can decide. I wish you well.

I'm with many of the others. Can't tell you what to do; only you can decide.

Sorry for the difficult decision you have to make.

~ Faith

Dej

First of all, I hate that you are going through this. It is has to be a hard decision for you. I will be forced to do the same thing, one day soon also.
I learned a year or so ago, when duty calls, I would have to go. I hadn't talked
to my mother for almost a year, because she got mad, when I asked why she
was buying christmas gifts for us, and I knew she couldn't afford it. She lives in Florida. When she moved to Florida, it was, no more gifts, we will visit and
that will be our gifts . Well for some reason, she started picking out stuff for
everyone. I received a nasty e-mail and said she sent all my stuff back and
was told my nieces, they were going to get more presents, cause Mema was mad at me! They just happened to slip that out.. Anyway, the next year she was involved in a car accident that totalled her car. My brother that lives down there, lives there to mooch, called me, I called her and everything was back to
normal.
I am in a similar situation again with her. She visited last August, 2009 nice visit, When my brother down there got upset with me over playing a "VIDEO" game with him over the internet, that we wouldn't play with him, etc. My husband called him a big baby. He went to my mom, after she couldn't find her pictures, when my cousin was coming down to visit. Mom wanted to get them out to show them to her. He convinced my Mom that I must have took them in Feb. of 2008, when we went down there last. I received a very nasty e-mail. Saying I stole her pictures, when I was there, even though she was just here in Aug 2009, she hadn't noticed then. Wanted all the stuff that she had left here with me when she left to go to Florida, in 1998, sent to her and all the
pictures I stole. I was devastated.... I didn't know what pictures she was talking about. I sent the e-mail to my oldest brother, I am oldest. He thought she was losing it, said don't worry about it. Doesn't even sound like her.
Well... to wrap this up, sorry so long, My daughter got married end of June, no
response from the family in Florida. We left out of there ( St Ausutine) so, my mom and brother could see us while we were there. No response. They missed my daughters entire wedding, she never received any acknowledgement.. that hurt!
My older brother, was on a trip down there, dropped over and visited my mom and youngest (moocher) brother, I guess she started talking angrily about me, he told her he didn't want to hear it! Also he heard, she had changed her will.
So right now Dej, like you..... I would have mixed feelings if I got a call, saying
my mom was ill. It is you decision, even though it hurts. It is something you have to decide on.
Let us know what you decide, we will support you!!
Sorry, I had to spill my guts, needed to get this out
Deb

Is there any way you could sneak into town, see your mother, and sneak out before anybody even knew you were there? I know first hand all about toxic family members, and I really feel for you. When my mother was dying and in the ICU I used to visit her every day in the wee hours of the morning just so I didn't have to deal with any relatives. To this day they all think I didn't visit her at all, but I could care less what they think.

Your number one job is to take the best care of yourself. If this means staying away from toxic people, that's what you have to do.

I agree with Marion. Sneak in without noise, hug your Mommy, forgive her for any past transgressions and then sneak back out and home to your safe haven and DH's loving arms.

Of course there is the possibility that you are used to all their drama and miss them all anyway. If that's the case, go, you'll feel better.

I totally understand where you are coming from...hmmm. So hard.

When my father had his big stroke and had chosen no life suport, it was only going to be a matter of days before his death.

SO...after a non relationship with him for over 21 years - I decided to go and say good bye and to tell him I had forgiven him and to go in peace.

My oldest sister refused to go.

My other 6 siblings had remained close to my parents for fear of losing their inheritance when my oldest sis n I in 80's chose to break open the family secret of incest.

Huge uproar of denials.

My oldest sis, K (a therapist) and I walked away from the family. Stayed in casual communication with a fw sibs off n on over the years. Very hard and sad.

So, when called about dad by my brother, I decided to go. For me.

My mother sat in the hospital room ice cold along with my most vengeful of sisters, the B, I call her. In her eyes, I am the LIAR. In my mother's eyes, I am the betrayer.

When Dad saw me, he broke into tears-couldnt really talk, so I pulled my chair up close and told him how much I loved him as my father, reminded him of the many great memories I had of him as my father and thanked him for having loved and cared for me.

As for the pain, I told him, "you may go in Peace, dad, I have forgiven you. "

He broke down crying and I, by the amazing grace of God, comforted him. I needed to thank him...for at least trying to be my father despite all his terrible trials of alcoholism and incest.

As I was leaving, my sis, the B, grabbed her purse and swung it at me with full force. I fell into the wall.

Again, full of grace, I turned and told her I was sorry her father was dying, that she had been a wonderful and faithful daughter, but this hospital room was not the place to start a fight.
I turned and left.

I am glad I went ... Im glad I forgave him...Im glad I let him go in Peace and love. Im glad I controlled the situation as I needed and wanted for my feelings, my concious and my life. I have no regrets. I can only grieve what should have been my rights as a child.

I wonder how my older sister feels by refusing to go and say good bye. I dont know. She followed her own needs and feelings; and I followed my own.

The decision, depth of family involvement, sense of responsibility, your own desire to nurture or be nurtured, and your own conscious belong to you, deja, do what is the most loving and peaceful, and you will feel yourself smile.

As I now think back on that moment...it probably was the most single and honest moment I ever had with my father...it existed in love and truth.

May God be with you always.