I am in a bit of a flare, and am having quite a few issues, but this time of year tends to be hard on me.

Daddy's b/d is the 24th. He is gone and I miss him each year. I was hard on him and wish badly that I could go back and eat some words, and add a few kind ones.

My grandmother was buried on the 21st of December 1983. 5 days before my son was born. She never got to meet him, and each year I wonder about what their relationship would have been. it was her first grandson and she was so excited to get to meet him. They crossed paths and never got to meet.

My son's b/d is the 26th and while he gets cheated each year with those combo presents I worked hard to make each b/d as special as each Christmas. The last two years he has been dating a very selfish woman who ties him up for each holiday. He missed Tday here, and now he has missed Christmas and the latest phone call said he would see me after the new year was here. This girl is bad news and it breaks my heart that he keeps going back to her after she drags in strange men and burns his belongings when she feels like it.

I am not anywhere close to my own dysfunctional family. its been years since I have seen them, let alone celebrated anything with them. We moved to the back woods to stay close to DHs family but we never see them! They never visit and we never visit (husband goes once a year to hunt) so I am now stuck in the back woods of this town that I dont like, and I want badly to move from.

Lately my head is swirling with thoughts of running away from home. I have been married for 23 years and have a great husband but I am so unhappy. I feel isolated and trapped out here. This town has nothing but snow and hicks. In the summer its filled with rich folks that have more money than common sense. its not a good fit town for me. I cant find a church i like, I cant find volunteer stuff that needs or wants me, and there is no one my own age to play with. All my friends in this town are over 70!

Why does this time of year bring out such sadness? Growing up the only present we would get was gingerbread IF it was a good year. We were lucky to have shoes. We really didnt celebrate the gift giving season, we celebrated the birth of Christ, even tho we knew he wasnt born on this day.

Am I alone? I see so many of you dancing around the holiday trees and big smiles on your faces and talking about family and presents and visits from out of towners and it makes me feel even more isolated.

Well, I think ONE issue is that our culture has turned Christmas into a perfect scenario, like a Norman Rockwell video would be, with smiling Grandparents still married to each other, all generations getting along perfectly, a perfect meal, perfect presents, peace on earth, etc.

And nobody can measure up to the "perfect" Christmas we often think we ought to be having. There are expectations that are totally unrealistic, and we feed it:

"What? You have to work on CHRISTMAS?" "What? You're family isn't coming for CHRISTMAS?" "What? You're going to be alone at CHRISTMAS?" "What? He's have surgery at CHRISTMAS?" and so on. So we just magnify the emotional impact.

That stereotyped version of Christmas is hard on so many people.

Yesterday on the computer, I watched Netflix's Instant play "National Lampoon's "Christmas Vacation".

Talk about wanting the perfect family Christmas and things going wrong. I laughed and lowered my own expectations. I've already bought the things I really want. DH buys black lace or pink flannel, and really I'm somewhere in between.

It's only 1 day.

Too darn much dwelling on the past....Grrrrrr!! We must live in the today. Make it a good time and that will be our new past, tomorrow..

It seems like everyone I ever loved died at around Christmas time. That is what makes me sad. This year will be my best Christmas, because I say so.

Now, if my DD and her DH and my Grand rug rats will all get over the DAM FLU by the 25th, we will have one. If not, we'll have it next week. Jesus won't mind, since it's really not his BD anyway.

((((DEJ)))) It's today, not yesterday....Make it special for just you and DH. Go to a Big Popular Catholic Church on Christmas Day, it should be special and rewarding. I hope you feel better soon..

Hey Dej.

For what it is worth, I will be checking in here on Christmas. Probably a few times. There was a fun game I used to play called InkLink. I don't even know if it exists anymore but maybe if it does, we can play it.

It is a drawing game. I have a word and draw. Everyone guesses until someone wins. At least that is what I think. I will take a look and post it if I can find it again.

I googled it and found it. It is free. Maybe we can get a few of us to play a game. I can get it through FaceBook or just through internet.

Works for me if it works for you. No pressure. Just think about it.

In some ways this is going to be an awful Christmas for me. Not to whine too much, money is extremel scarce this year. I know a lot of the country is in the same hole. I've spent a lot of time having private pity parties about that. I'm trying to convince myself I never was Martha Stewart anyway.

And I do so miss those who have passed.

But, I also have much to enjoy, my grandkids, my skin kids and fur kids.

I'll make I, and so will the rest of us.

Happy Holly Days!

Feeling a bit better today. I swear, it must be part of this flare. I am an upbeat person and can normally see the bright side of any dark street, but this one took me way down low.

I have invited one of my old lady friends over for dinner with her hubby. They are really struggling and wont have a holiday meal this year, so we are throwing one for them. Actually we are surprising several this year by the invitation to come to Casa de Dejibo for a nice dinner. I think we have 12 on the list, and the door is open wide for those that heard about it and want to join.

I have a huge sprial ham, making mountains of scalloped potatoes, and so on. Everyone wanted to know what they could bring, so I said "a simple dessert" So, these old ladies can cook! lets see what yummy desserts they come up with. I mean pudding in a pie tin is ok by me.

So, I am trying hard to yank myself up by my boot straps to see the bright side, even if I go kicking and screaming.

Happy Birthday Daddy! I miss you.

(((((Dej))))) Doing something for someone else, to make them feel better, always makes you feel better.. Bless you.

I can so relate to the depression.

I am having a bad MS day following a bad MS night. Did not get much sleep no company just 1 person who woke me every time she used the rest room (at least 4 times) I COULD NOT sleep soundly as my mind drifted back to Christmas' past & what might be in the future.

My mom turned 80 on December 9 & while she continues to run all over & be all things to all people in the last year that we have lived together I have seen her deteriorate medically & there is a sadness in her eyes. Having suffered so much sorrow & loss in her life she says she is tired & does not want to continue. Not worried about her taking her own life but feel in my heart her spirit is broken & she will soon leave me forever. As she opened her gifts I thought of Christmas' past & how she tried to make my childhood Christmas' brite though money was scarce & her husband always drunk.

I looked back into the vacant eyes of the child I was at 9 when I learned there was NO SANTA CLAUS. We went to a holiday party we attended every year & when I sat on "Santa's" lap I realized that WAS NOT Santa but my mom's drunken husband, there was no getting around the smell of stale cigarettes & cheap booze.

I had to make some tough choices. I have been verbally abused by my bio mom since earliest memory she is my mom's sister. When I was told she was my bio mom her needs came first not mine. For the next 30 years I tried to mold her & my siblings into the Waltons to only be abused time & again. The last time I heard from her was I moved 2 years ago. I got a short email "heard you were moving send new address". She sent it on my birthday & never even said Happy Birthday. The last time I heard from my sister was when I was verbally attacked & ostrasized from the family for revealing something I DID NOT know was a secret. Through her lies & deciet I was alieniated from my oldest brother the last 4 months of his life & most of the family is still not talking to me.

This year bio mom & bio sister sent gifts. I set them aside as I opened my other gifts. I had a decision to make. Then when my mom asked "Aren't you going to open them?" I thought a minute & said "No" if I open those gifts I am just getting caught up in all the mishagosh that has practically destroyed me these past 49 years I CANNOT DO IT. The gifts remain unopened; the mishagosh is out of my life but I have another reminder that in the not too distant future Mom is going to pass & I will be totally alone. I watch as she opens her last gift from me & wonder if this will be the last Christmas we spend together. The future is so uncertain & terrifying.

I lost the spirit of Christmas back when I was 9 & never regained it. I converted to Judaism when I turned 18 but now do not practice any religion and am not even spiritual. Christmas is just another day for me, I celebrate it out of respect for my mom but what if this is the last Christmas we are together?: