[Blessings2You]

A friend of mine (and no, it's NOT me), is emerging from an emotionally abusive relationship. Needless to say, she is devastated, humiliated, and exhausted.

Her questions to me are, Why was I such an easy target? How did he smell "potential victim" on me? How can I recognize that tendency in a man BEFORE I get involved with him?

She asked me if I knew of a book or books that not only define and describe emotional abuse (the basic info is everywhere) but how to avoid it in the first place. Are there red flags that should go up on the first date, or even before? Are there behaviors/signals that she is unwittingly giving?

She's afraid that her inheritent character traits (kindness, compassion, a giving spirit) make her a "sucker" for guys like that. But she doesn't really want to change those things about herself...

I thought I'd start here first and see if any of you have knowledge of good materials or organizations' websites? She's trying to pick up the pieces, and figure out how to see the next one coming!!

[Twinkletoes]

Seems like some of the nicest people end up with some real jerks.

After a quick search, this is the page that really sums up those first signs and offers some links for help: http://www.ehow.com/how_4808182_sign...ationship.html

I hope your friend is able to reclaim her life and continues to be a kind and compassionate person without being taken advantage of. She is very lucky to have you for a friend.

[Dejibo]

The best advice is to have your friend abstain for ANY relationships till she works on herself. Rebuild her own foundation. Be kind to herself. Be supportive of herself. Many women have the white knight syndrome and expect that a man will come along and make it all better. Drag us out of our dungeon and prop us onto a pillow in a castle and we all live happily ever after. Unfortunatly many men are no better at rescueing you than they are at getting themselves out of their own dungeons. You cannot have a healthy stable relationship with anyone else until you have one with yourself. We soon find this prince wants us to scrub that castle and filet that dragon he slayed, while raising the children and working full time while he goes out to the local pub with the local boys.

That being said, some of the clues about abusive men are that they want to separate you from friends or family. They want you to be wholely devoted to them. They are hyper critical of things that dont make sense. calling a skinny girl plump or telling a successful woman that she is a failure. Telling a woman who is a good driver that she scares him. If your friend is solid in herself she will know these things are not true. Nipping these things in the bud very early is the key. To speak up and stand your ground to say "you cant speak to people like that, its hurtful, please apologize" Will usually put this person on notice that this girl isnt going to be easy.

There are buckets of good books on the market, and many good remedies, but I would hope that your friend takes time to repair herself, and perhaps speak to someone professionally about putting her life back together. Nothing is sexier to a stable man than a woman with good self confidence. Nothing is prettier than a woman who is secure with who and how she is. Stable men see a woman with a good foundation and simply find them irresistable. Unstable men see a woman with an unstable foundation and the same applies. Have your friend get in touch with what SHE likes. is it funny movies? The color blue? meatloaf and not fish? As she gets to know herself she will find her foundation begins to cement.

[Kitty]

Originally Posted by Dejibo

That being said, some of the clues about abusivemen are that they want to separate you from friends or family. They want you to be wholely devoted to them. They are hyper critical of things that dont make sense. calling a skinny girl plump or telling a successful woman that she is a failure. Telling a woman who is a good driver that she scares him.

This is a HUGE red flag.

All the advice given here is great. I second the suggestion that she take a break from dating until she feels confident that she can avoid the abusers or at least recognize the warning signs.

I wish I could muster the courage to put myself back out there. I don't think that's gonna happen, though. After the last man I dated tried to keep me from my sons I'd had enough. And it made me question my own judgment.

Your friend is so fortunate to have a good friend in you.

[ginnie]

My daughter is in a relationship that is abusive too and she was in special education for most of her life. This man is an ex marine of 8 years and does seek control of her, and of the rest of the family. Because I live with a woman, my best friend, I am considered tainted, therefor am not allowed to see my grandchild. I know pain on an intimate level because of his disposition. It does hurt when you are in a situation like that. I am glad you are in a better position. My daugher was kind, gentle, compassionate, and I don't know where she is. Control in any family like that is hurtful. You will not be fooled again. ginnie

[Dejibo]

even with all of my knowledge, my own child fell victim to a money bully recently and was trapped in his own version of H&LL till recently. You cannot force another to learn from your lessons. You can only wait patiently for them to come back home. Be supportive when you speak to them, and let them know you are in their corner. The abused person misses you, and wants better, but isnt alway able to make such choices. Tons of belief of "I can fix him" or "its really MY fault. I provoke him." or "he is just misunderstood. If you really knew him, and how good he is to me, you wouldnt worry about me." Victims tell themselves tons of self comforting lies to keep the circle going. Abusers count on that.

Make time for a lunch with your friend, and tell her how proud you are of her.

[nemsmom]

Originally Posted by Dejibo

even with all of my knowledge, my own child fell victim to a money bully recently and was trapped in his own version of H&LL till recently. You cannot force another to learn from your lessons. You can only wait patiently for them to come back home. Be supportive when you speak to them, and let them know you are in their corner. The abused person misses you, and wants better, but isnt alway able to make such choices. Tons of belief of "I can fix him" or "its really MY fault. I provoke him." or "he is just misunderstood. If you really knew him, and how good he is to me, you wouldnt worry about me." Victims tell themselves tons of self comforting lies to keep the circle going. Abusers count on that.

Make time for a lunch with your friend, and tell her how proud you are of her.

All of the advice here so far is right on. I'm proud of your friend for getting out, sometimes that can be the hardest move to make.

She obviously has a great friend in you, that will be so helpful in the time to come.

I think you've been given the big red flags here, and they are definitely true. Another one is if they seem perfect, "too good to be true", then they usually are and once they know they have you they will show their true colors. Your opinion never gets asked, you're told how to think, feel, react, behave, and nothing you ever do will be right.

It's very hard to come out of this situation and not expect the same behavior from your following relationship(s). I still tend to expect that my husband is going to be mad at me for things or not want me to buy things, he has never been anything but supportive of me. He also knows about my ex-husband and is understanding when I tend to act like I'm expecting the abuse.

She's looking for the signs now, she knows she needs to change something. I pray she will be able to figure all of this out before getting into another relationship.

for both of you, thank you for being there for her like you are.

[Blessings2You]

Thank you so much for your input so far. You are right, she needs to "fix" herself before moving on. I think she is still in love with the man she thought he was, but she knows that person doesn't exist. He was, indeed, too good to be true.

From what I've been reading (here and other sources), good advice to anybody would be SLOW DOWN!! Don't get "into" a relationship with someone you don't know. That's what happened with my friend, I think. It all happened really fast, swept her off her feet (as they used to say).

[SallyC]

My Doggy abuses me!! When he's being good he piddles on his pad but, when he is upset with me, usually for not jumping up and getting whatever he's whining for, He piddles on the floor.. Just like a mentally abusive man!!

[Kitty]

Originally Posted by SallyC

My Doggy abuses me!! When he's being good he piddles on his pad but, when he is upset with me, usually for not jumping up and getting whatever he's whining for, He piddles on the floor.. Just like a mentally abusive man!!

Well, at least he's cute while he's doing it.