So dd13 (dh2b's dd) texts me last night to tell me she is bummed because today her little sister would have turned 12. Dd was only a yr and a half old when her sister was born. She passed away 4 months later. This is what caused her real mom to go crazy and leave. This is what caused her to turn to drugs and this is the ghost that haunts dh2b.

Being a man, he finds ways to try not to think about things that he cannot change. This year he is out tilling and digging and planting a garden in triple digit heat. Last year he went camping alone and it took 3 months for him to come back out from behind the giant walls he built while he was gone.

I don't know how to comfort dd. She asked me to remind her dad what today was and I told her I would not. There is not a day that goes by that he doesn't think of this child and my reminding him will do nothing but cause more hurt and push him back into his fortress of no emotions.

So the question... how do I help her heal from this?

For some reason, it seems your DD and DH2B, have not had a satisfactory closure, in dealing with this tragedy. DD, most likely, since she was only 1 yr old when this took place, gets her lead from estranged Mother or/and Father.

Perhaps if he and DD and you had a memorial sevice for baby sister and bid her a proper goodby with love and the knowledge that she is much happier with the Lord, now.

What took this child at 4 mos old? Is the cause of death part of the anguish?

It does sound like she hasn't been able to grieve the loss of her sister. If she takes her lead about this from a parent that hasn't dealt with the death well herself this could be why she (DD) is having such a difficult time with this. Does she remember this baby at all or is she just reacting to what her mother is telling her? I agree with Sally that a proper memorial in this baby's honor might be healing for everyone.

SIDS. She just went to sleep one night and stopped breathing. Very sad. Honestly I don't know how yo help them. I still think about the miscarriage I had before dd came along every year, I don't dwell on it but i still think about it when that time of year rolls in.

So I cannot imagine the pain of having that baby in my arms for 4 months and having her ripped away like that. This is the first time DD has said anything about the birthday and I am sure the fact that her mother has been back in her life after 10 yrs of missing in action has something to do with it.

I would seriously suggest some counseling. Twelve years is far too long for a young girl to carry this grief around, memorializing and reliving it every year.

I agree with lefthanded, counseling would help. A 12 year old should not have this burden to live with every day.

Your dd has witnessed her mother mourn the death of her baby and sadly I would bet that the baby's death got more attention than your dd did, and probably for an impressionable amount of time. It wouldn't surprise me if your poor dd has a 'earning' for the attention her baby sis did receive.

DD missed out on her dm being 'present' in her life, which can lead to deep feelings of abandonment. (your story, in a way, reminds my of my past and I deal personally with feelings of abandonment)

You are being such a wonderful role model for dd (both of them) and are making such a positive influence in this young girl's life! You are banking up some awesome karma!

I agree and I hope DH2B appreciates you.

7 more days and she will be herein va with me where she belongs. I talked to dh2b the other night while he was building my soap box to put the washer and dryer on. Let him know his mom took dd to visit the grave and that she was bummed about it and I didn't know how to help her. He says "that makes 2 of us" and went back to building my box.

Talked to dd last night she is in a better mood and looking forward to getting here.