(Don't worry, this isn't a religious post, per se)

I can't even think of the word to describe how church fits into my life right now...I think the closest definition would be "dichotomy". It's probably my favorite thing and my hardest thing.

Church has been the center of my week for...40 years? I've been secretary, organist, board member, missions director, taught all age groups, done the newsletter and bulletins, mowed the lawn, cleaned the sanctuary, directed VBS...probably everthing but treasurer!

And loved every minute of it! I've never felt I "had" to go to church. I was always one to be there every time the doors were open, as they say. And I still want to be there. I've never felt "I've done my share". That's not the way it works.

My responsibilities now are the fewest I've ever had: lead the adult Bible study, fill in for the pianist (who has had surgery) and do the bulletins. There was a time I would have considered this a vacation!

I still want to do those things and in fact, feel LED to do those things. But you know how it is when you are RESONSIBLE for something! At least for me, symptom flares and bad MS days are so unpredictable, so random. Right now I'm relatively okay, but in the two hours between now and when I'll be standing in front of my Bible study group, anything could happen--you know what I mean!

I'm so torn these days between I want to and I can't, or almost can't. I've been pondering and praying about how I can find some compromises, or at least contingency plans. God bless our Pastor and his wife--they have told me over and over: "You don't have to explain, you don't have to apologize, it's okay. If you can't make it, God will provide." That is SUCH an anxiety-reliever!

I hope I can figure out a better plan of action so that I can continue to do what I love to do, without being stressed and anxious every Saturday night and Sunday morning.

Some of you must have similar feelings, if not about church, then about other things that you love to do and are responsible for?

I cant see well enough to sing from the hymnal. I cant read from the good book while there. I am spastic and cant sit still like a small child and the anxiety of everyone staring at me doesnt help. it makes it worse! If I feel expected to go I get all stressed out.

I have decided to give to God's great world in other ways. We have been going to the food bank and soup kitchen to ladle out meals. We have been doing blanket round ups for the cold this winter. We have been doing outreach service work or working with the home bound instead.

I was really hesitant at first, but MS has caused me to change gears and switch lanes. I simply cant do what I was doing. Since it changed, I had to change with it. On Sundays that I feel awful I can sit home and watch worship on TV or listen to a book on tape or go visit someone else who couldnt make it to church. I never know from one week to the next if you can count on me, so I dont let people pencil me in for things.

Last week they called and wanted the DH and I to be ushers or read from the big bible for worship or volunteer around the church. I said "you cant count on me. I am unreliable. I have MS, and never know if I can or if I cant till that day arrives." she seemed stunned by my answer and then said "would DH be willing to do these things alone?" I said DH wouldnt go to church unless I asked him to take me, so he feels he is there as my support, my keeper, my baby sitter, and I promise he wont leave my side. sorry" she had no defense and wished me well.

Its true! you cannot count on me to show up, be there, or even if I do show up perhaps I can help, perhaps I cant. I almost like the freedom of being able to say "count me out. let me just sit and listen to the sermon."

I don't "go" to church anymore. I watch it on television and, like Dej, find other ways to contribute. My Dad always said "sitting in a pew doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car".

I think it's important for others - especially those in the church who do alot and expect others to also - be aware of "invisible" conditions and why we can't always be available or plan ahead. I remember when I wasn't blessed with MS. It never occurred to me that someone might have something like this and not be able to participate.

Maybe God has put you in this position to educate others and make the path smoother for those who come behind you. If it takes printing out information to hand out at the next Bible study explaining the invisible symptoms of MS then that might just be what you need to do. Just think how many folks you'll educate about this cruel disease and maybe they'll use that knowledge to be a little more understanding with folks not only at church but in other settings as well.

I think Kitty's idea is a good one B2y. I totally understand what you're feeling as I'm sure many of us feel the same way.

I wish I had a good answer for you but I haven't found anything I can do that doesn't require you to be somewhere at a certain time and place.

Maybe going to an assisted living or nursing home where there are church members and reading to them or just visiting them. So many people are just forgotten about when they have to be in these places.

I didn't like my whiny post so I deleted it.

I hope you find a way to fullfill all your wishes, Blessings.

My Dad was a Southern Baptist preacher and after one of his times he had to have a stent put in due to blockage, again, the doctor told him he had to cut out things or else. He tried but there were tings that if he cut them out would have cut his heart out. As a family we helped him to decide that we would rather have him a happy man than a man just sitting around so he could live longer

Thanks, friends. Lots of good insight. I really appreciate your support.

I know balance is the answer, I'm just not finding it right now...either in this specific issue, or on my feet! I have a lot to muddle through, and maybe I can find a space for myself where I can still "do" things at church, yet not be in a spot where my conking out at the last minute will make things stressful and complicated for others.

There will probably be a time when I'm limited to sitting in the pew and worshipping. And there will probably be a time when I'm not able to go at all. I don't anticipate any feelings of guilt about that--it's just hard when your brain and body won't do what your heart wants to do!

I have to work Sundays so I can make my commissions in my sales job. I try to get up early enough so I can go to the 9am mass. I am so exhausted that I can't get up. I usually work until 9pm on Saturday night. I feel guilty when I lay in bed and keep hitting the snooze button and lately I have not been making it to church.

I haven't missed church much in the past 32 years but now that I'm working retail sales on Sundays I have been. I try to remember the lessons that I've learned over the years. I know this won't always be the routine. When I do go, I relish the words from the sermon. We can only do as much as we can do. I know that God understands. I have paid it forward.