[doydie]

I wold really like to go down to my family room, dismantle my Christmas tree and throw it all away. It seems like as each day passes by and Christmas is closer it is worse. Last year I didn't put a tree up. I think it was more of procrastination and we had Christmas at an offsite place where my Mom could just ride her motor scooter in the doorway. We have a bi-level so we knew having it here was out of the question. This year we have no excuse.

The tree is up but I haven't gone down tot he family room since the day I put it up. The boxes are still sitting out and I doubt I have all the decorations on it yet. I guess when I go down there to do laundry I will have to look at it.

If I were completely honest with myself I would want to something a little more destructive than just dismantle the tree. I would love to take a hatchet to it. But I'm afraid I would do something to my family room and I put to much money into that. If I lived in a county that didn't have an open fire ban I would take it outside and burn it.

I would love to just take a couple of sleeping pills and wake up to late to go with my husband to take his Mom out and would sit at home again like I did tonight. He and his karaoke group went to a nursing home and sung. I have done that every year but this year.

[SallyC]

Snap out of it Doydie..

[doydie]

Wish I could Sally. But after Christmas comes New Year when our family celebrates Christmas. Then the big month of January. Mom went into the hospital on the 10th, surgery on the 11th. We found out then she had up to 8 months to live. Her birthday is in February, mine is March 3. By this time Mom was unconscious. I know it is a selfish thought but I will never now what Mom had been thinking about for my birthday. Then she died on the 11th. She finally died. That last week was awfull. These next several months are going to be bad. I just don't want to face them. If I were a drinker I would get on a 4 month binge but I have never had a drink in my life and I don't plan on starting now. I will see what kind of nice neuro pills can knock the edge off.

[Blessings2You]

Thank you for sharing such deep personal feelings. This has always been my worst time of year emotionally, that week or two right before Christmas. I'm physically drained, mentally trying to keep track of too much, and even the happy memories feel unbearably sad.

I start thinking, "All the presents I got people are crappy and stupid", I'm overwhelmed by how much there still is to do, and I want my Mommy and Daddy.

I want to be in the Christmas "spirit", singing carols while I happily make cookies and stuff, but instead I just want it to be over.

All I can do is try not to focus on what our culture tells us we should be doing and feeling, what other people say we should be doing and feeling, and try not to focus on what lies my own brain is trying to tell me.

I sincerely believe that step one is confessing we have a problem.

Every year I think I'll come up with a plan to avoid these feelings, but I end up right here again! I cry, and I pray, and I try to lean on God for strength so that if I can't enjoy it (and sometimes I can) then at least I can get through it without burning any Christmas trees.

[SallyC]

I do understand Doydie.

I lost my Husband when, the day after Christmas 2003, he called 911 and went to the hospital, where he died of a heart attack 10 days later. My Brother died right after Thanksgiving 2007, My Mother died right before Christmas 1993 and my Dad, days before Chrismas 1976 and Grandma Christmas 1977.

When I bring these Christmases of Funerals I am extremely sad, so I try to remember all the great Christmases we all had together and then I smile, even laugh again.

This is a new Christmas to be celebrated with your Children and Grankids and to raise a glass in cheer for those who are now happy in heaven.

Merry Christmas..

[Debbie D]

I get depressed every Christmas as well...and every other year the kids don't come home (we celebrate at Thanksgiving). This is the year they won't come home.
DH and I feel out of the loop, now that we are done with all of the traditional Christmas preparations. I also get so crabby at this time of year!! I told my DH that if he weren't around I wouldn't even decorate. That feeling saddens me...

[Kitty]

I understand the feelings of sadness. Remembering how things used to be. Missing all the family that has gone home before us.

Sometimes I get really, really sad. And I've learned to just go with the feeling.....let myself be sad. It's a part of grieving. And, logically, I know that things can't stay the same. They never will. Good or bad.....things change and time marches on. With or without me.

So, I do what I feel I can do. If that means decorating less then so be it. This year it meant just that. I'm not going to expend energy decorating for only myself. I'd rather save my spoons and use them when my family is here. Even if it is just one day.

Every holiday will be just a little different. Because of me or because of some other circumstance. But, I can still enjoy the happy moments that shine through all of the difficult memories. I never want to be without my memories because that's what makes me...me. Nobody else has the memories I have.....or the memories you have.....so cherish them.

[ginnie]

[I sure feel your depression over the season. It is indeed a hard time of the year for many. I didn't put up a tree, I have a small porclain one, and that suits me fine. The real joy has gone out of Christmas for me to, as I don't have most of my family in my life. I am trying to focus on something else doydie, other than the holidays. If you really don't want to mess with that tree, don't. Get rid of it, if it is causing you stress. There are more important things than a darn old tree. Take care of yourself first, and do everything you can, to make yourself feel better. Be at peace. I wish you all the best. ginnie

[SallyC]

((((((Ginnie))))))

[doydie]

Part of my problem is that I would want to destroy the tree just to make my husband actually notice that this Christmas is different. I tell him how I feel and he just watched the TV and tells me that he doesn't car anything about the holidays anyway. He could care less whether we had a tree up, had a special dinner or gave gifts. So I guess he just thinks that I have finally gone over to his side.