[Blessings2You]

I realize now that my mom didn't tell me everything. I don't mean she kept secrets per se, but we lived almost 3 hours away, and I had kids, then a job, then both, etc. I couldn't have helped her with everything, and would just have felt bad.

I really only see that clearly now that I notice myself not telling my kids everything. Sure, they know the basics, they've heard the spoon story (a few times, no doubt), they understand more or less what I can or can't do.

I don't tell them that sometimes I cry when it's time (or past time) to do certain chores because yes, I am the one who has to do it, and it's so hard. I don't tell them that I made a trip to the basement to find something because one of them would be here in the afternoon...and then didn't show up, and I made ANOTHER trip to the basement to put it back.

I don't tell them that when they (of necessity) change their arrival times at the last minute, it mucks up my opportunity to get a nap. I don't tell them that if they spring a surprise visit on us the day after I went grocery shopping, I won't really feel up to entertaining. Or being entertained.

They do the best they can with their own set of problems, and I'm NOT complaining. It is what it is. But wow, when I look back and realize that Mom (who had heart disease) and Dad (who had MS and COPD) had spoon issues also...

[Dejibo]

My mother told me EVERYTHING! from every tiny splinter to post polio syndrome and quite frankly I resented it as a young woman that she tried very hard to have me stop my life, and make hers better. She would smoke, eat bad food, curse like a sailor, talk to me like I was an idiot, but wanted me to come make it all better. Clean her house because she couldnt, go shopping for her because she couldnt. It was also unfair that my sister was given a pass on any of this because "she had trouble of her own"I felt trapped and over burdened by her.

I guess I went to the other extreme with my kids. They knew momma was sick when I had breast cancer, but I didnt ask them to carry it. I didnt add extra chores because I couldnt do them. I didnt allow them in my room to watch TV with me if I was having a crying day where I didnt know if I was going to make it. I had dad direct them outside or onto a new project. They did get to bake me cookies and stuff, but they never once had to go to school worried if momma was dying.

with my MS I guess I follow the same pattern. They know the spoon theory, and they know that I have my struggles, but when they ask "how are you?" I say "im pretty good." and then I switch it over to "tell me what you did today" I guess if they were to sit down with me and say "tell me" I would talk a bit more, but its never been my personal style to allow them to carry what is my burden. When I couldnt clean the house, I hired someone. When I had trouble I hired someone. When they saw me doing blind orientation therapy even tho I was scared to death, I smiled and stepped forward with ease.

Ah, the things we do for our kids. I wish my mom would have been honest with me WITHOUT putting such sizeable burdens on me to make it better, or carry it for her. I am so sorry she has polio, but it was unfair to ask me to hold it for her. To this day when I go to visit her its all about fixing broken things, cleaning, meal prep, speaking to her doctors for her. My sister lives 15 mins away and yet she gets a pass. Silly.

[SallyC]

My DD knows all because she has MS. Hers is in remission and she's stopped taking all meds and is in, what I call "Therapudic Deniel". She thinks that you can "will" illness away. I hope she can and does!!

My SSons also understand and are there for me, but I don't bring up my MS madness, unless they ask me a question about it. I do tell DD when I'm having a bad mental/physical day when I need a little attention and she gives me a loving pep talk.

My DMom had no chronic Illnesses but, was a little bit of a hypochondriac and complained of this and that.. When I told her of my MS, she went into deniel and doubted it was MS, until my hospital stay for DX...She was very caring and loving though. My Dad was dieing from colon cancer, at the time and he was very sympathetic and worried about me.

[Kitty]

I don't tell them every little thing but I am honest with them because I don't want them to be shocked or surprised by anything. I feel guilty because I have to ask them to do alot more than I'd like to. I try to downplay stuff that I know will get better but still try to be realistic with them. Mom's never going to be the way she used to be.

[TheSleeper]

I view life as a constant learning and teaching opportunity, I don`t hide anything from my kids 20 - 38. I don`t want them to go through life always thinking it is going to be a bed of roses. Chit happens, deal with it as best you can, and don`t whine " why me" .

My kids handle the situation better than my ex did, she was a bed of roses baby that always expected mommy and daddy to deal with her problems. I teach mine to try and handle their own, or avoid them completely and don`t burden others with your own mistakes.

My kids know the direction this illness is heading, daddy isn`t always going to be around, it`s time to grow up, whether you like it or not.

My kids have all had to help me up off the floor or ground, and even my grandkids know if Gramps is walking? Stay out of the way! he falls with out warning!

[SallyC]

Thanks Sleeper, good story, great advise.

[TheSleeper]

Originally Posted by SallyC

Thanks Sleeper, good story, great advise.

Sally, it`s great to have dreams, but at some point you have to be able to separate the dreams from reality? You can`t expect to be handed the perfect life on a silver platter with out making an effort?

[doydie]

I have pretty well been upfront with all things in life with both my girls. I don't really tell them about any problems I have with their spouses. If they ask for advice I am tactful about what I say. My husband will tell it like it is though. He even wanted me to tell my daughter she needed to divorce her husband. I let her come to that realization for herself and then was there for her when it happened. As far as my MS, they were 17 and 20 when it happened and were old enough to understand everything. My oldest seems to have the ability to know how I feel just by talking to me. she hears any hesitancy in my voice. If I sigh, she picks up on that. I am very proud of the adults they have become and my relationship with them. My relationship with my youngest has been one in the making but the older one has always been very close.

[mrsD]

We tell our son anything that has to do with property, upNorth,
information about relatives he does not correspond with,
and any serious issues with us (health, accidents, weather etc).

He on the other hand tells us little! <shrug>

We discuss cats all the time however, as that seems neutral
territory!