[Dejibo]

I posted a bit of a vent about my son's girlfriend being embarrassed by my ability to ask for help. I had hoped for advice and support.

in the long run, its not worth the stress of it. Thanks anyway.

[new2net98]

Originally Posted by Dejibo

I posted a bit of a vent about my son's girlfriend being embarrassed by my ability to ask for help. I had hoped for advice and support.

in the long run, its not worth the stress of it. Thanks anyway.

I won't be much help; my son's gf is a long way off...I've never met her in person (only online & two brief phone conversations), but seems to me, if she has issues with your abilities, it may be that she insecure about her own abilities.

I'm learning that asking for help is a relative thing; relatively easier for some folks than others. Rather like learning to know your limitations. Some folks are better or learn quicker than others. Some of us take awhile to get that into our heads.

Be well & try to have a relaxing weekend~
Stacy

[Dejibo]

She thinks MS is a "rich white womans disease" OMG! I asked what gave her that opinion and she said "Ann Romney" Annette Funicello" Terry Garr" "and a host of others" I was floored and said "you think MS only affects rich white women??"

I posted something on facebook to ask for prayers because my DD b/f did that horrible thing. My son was in the ER. money is tight while i see the naturopath, im in a mini flare, and I just needed a hug or an attaboy or something.

She was LIVID that I posted anything in any public space about my children. She thinks its no one elses business and I invited nosy folks to now start asking "what happened? are you ok?" She doesnt want me venting about my son.

Last but not least (there is a list) she is incredibly upset that I have stated that I got very nice gifts for the children's birthdays but if they dont feel like saying thank you or writing me a letter, I wont feel like buying Christmas or back to school gifts. Well, back to school is here and no one got a thing. All of a sudden the 6 year old shows up with my son and has two scrawled notes in his hand saying thank you from the others. I asked where his was and he said "I cant write" I asked if he knew his ABCs and he said yes. I asked if he could spell his name, and he said yes. I got a sheet of paper and we spelled out T H A N K followed by a Y O U and he signed his name. I told him how proud I was of him, we talked about what a helpful smart boy he is and he was so proud of himself when he left. I guess girlie didnt like that I was "teaching" her son. its NOT MY JOB! I am not his teacher and he will write a thank you when he learns how. OMG!

You all know I went blind in Dec and have been working on regaining my sight. For my b/d they got me a tiny faced wrist watch (double mastectomy means watches make my arms swell) because she demanded that I needed to wear more jewelry. REally?? to where?! To watch TV? DH gave it back to DS and said STOP IT! your mom cant see the face of that watch, and cant wear it cause her arms swell. you guys cant afford groceries but you an buy a $500 watch! Take it back, get it off your credit card and buy her a game or a lunch. something SHE wants. Well, she was insulted that I would FORCE my husband to speak for me. (i didnt know he gave the watch back)

its all adding up. The pressure is building. DS asked her to take me to the store to pick out something I want, and she said NO WAY! your mom embarrasses me the way she walks like she is drunk and always wants to sit down. YOU TAKE HER. Im angry with my son for sharing those comments with me, and I know he did it as a way to show me she is unstable, but if he isnt willing to leave her, then why would you want me to think of her as unstable?

Im in a corner. I dont mind asking for prayers, or help or love, but apparently it embarrasses her that I said a single word about my son going to the ER on facebook so others would pray.

At least StickyHead (last g/f) knew enough to shut up when things got hot.

[mrsD]

Unfriend her so she can't read your pages. It can't make her any worse can it? If your son reads them and tells her, unfriend him for now too. I would not defend myself.... she is dumping all that on YOU when it is she with the issues. If you rise to the argument, then you enter a "game" of sorts. Best to avoid it.

I think this just illustrates how negative FB can be.

Some young women have "mother" issues. In my experience they are angry at older women, and envious, and this can be a displacement from their own conflicts with their mothers. Until she grows up some, I'd avoid her socially. Let's hope your son sees the light sooner rather than later.

[Dejibo]

I think her trigger was when DH TOLD my son, didnt ask him, TOLD him that in November he has a trip that he must take for 2 weeks, and during that time DS WILL be living at THIS house. He will not leave his mom alone, and while he can run about during the day at night 9pm to 7am he will be HERE. DH is worried about falls, flares, and such. G/f is LIVID.

I thought about unfriending her. I dont want it to cause more issues, but you are right, its MY page and I get to decide who is on there. Its 99% MS folks who hug, pray for each other, vent, whine and moan to each other. We celebrate our good times, and we support each other thru the bad. I dont have ANY of my family except my kids on it. DD is never on FB she is too busy. DS uses it to talk monster trucks with his friends. She pushes him to use it to show off photos of him and his new family. So, you are right, if she is using it as a bully stick I will take it away from her.

I KNOW this relationship wont last. DS keeps telling me so. He keeps telling me he is trying but he is about out of steam. She too will become another victim of trying to control and change a man who doesnt need changing.

I just wanted to slap her! isnt that awful?!

[mrsD]

At this stage in my life, with my own health issues and pain, I will absolutely not take abuse from anyone.

This young woman is not your "friend". She sees herself as an adversary, for some reason. Perhaps jealous of your son's connection to you. She is immature and not likely to change soon IMO.

The best way to break a drama queen, is to not respond. Actions are more powerful than words with them. They feed on the drama. So for now cut her off. If she improves or changes some you can always put her back. But showing that you will NOT allow this stress from her into your life, is much stronger than talking about it with her etc. If you like the kids, then your option is to buy a lesser fancy gift (but still thoughtful in some way) and not expect a thank you. I rarely get thank yous anymore from anyone. If I treasure that person, anyway, I give anyway and not expect a "thank you" back. I think thank you notes have atrophied in our culture today. It is not fair to punish the kids, for that lack IMO today. Just don't make a big deal and don't spend lots of money. Keep it small etc.

When your son comes, set those ground rules early. NO DRAMA, no complaining about HER, etc. Consider it a Drama-ectomy.

[Sparky10]

Did you post something here, Dej, and no one answered? That's odd; maybe because it's a holiday weekend?

I don't 'do' FB, but the suggestion of unfriending a non-friend makes sense.

MS, a rich white woman's disease huh? I don't suppose showing her the membership numbers of all the other websites would open her eyes. Since FB means so much to her, maybe show her some support pages there? If it's on FB it must be real, right?

[mrsD]

I believe FB has sections you can make on your page.

You could put your MS friends on one group, and your family on another. That way your family and this problematic immature woman cannot see your other MS group.

We don't use groups. Our FB page is so small I've not had to.
We don't use it very much. I only use it to play Angry Birds, in fact! (we don't have smart phones etc)

[Aarcyn]

Sometimes, Dej, I just want to tell you to take a deep breath and when you exhale, imagine letting some of your anger and bad feelings leave your body.

You have every right to be angry at many of the circumstances in your life right now. Some of it is unimaginable to me. I can only offer sympathy for the truly rough drama that no one should have to experience.

One thing did stand out that I am hoping you may take a look at in a different light. It is the part about gift giving and wanting a "proper" thank you.

Gifts should be unconditional whether giving or receiving. You need to realize that when remembering a christmas with a gift, it is because of your pleasure that they are there and you cherish them. If you talk about the gift you gave to that child, you will hear their thank-you and it will be heartfelt rather than forced by you or their father.

Withholding only hurts those you profess to love. I felt sadness for the child. Your teaching moment was not real. The child wanted to please you, had to jump through a hoop. You were supposedly teaching DS and it seemed like you had a ruler to slap his hand rather than a hug of love. Mirror what you want without so much harshness. You are not your mother, smile and love, give hugs. Reward the behavior you want from everyone and ignore the rest. Your son loves you and you love him.

If I was DS's gf, I don't think I would want to go shopping with you! I cannot see how you can even want to go shopping with her either! You should have said "thank you for the beautiful watch" and left it at that. If you did not want it, just ask discretely where it was purchased and return it at a later time. You scolded their gift for not being sensitive you but can you see how insensitive you were? You can always take the money you felt they could not afford and buy them gifts with their own money, things you think they need and sacrificed to try to honor you with a gift.

Instead, you got angry and your DH got angry. Trade places with DS&gf. They tried to give of themselves, she wanted you to wear jewelry. Is that such an insult? On a scale of 1-10 where 10 is an outrage, it sounds like you acted badly. Classical mother-in-law from he11.

Trade some of the harsh feelings in for giving a compliment. Give without conditions of thank you's. After all, you were not the model of grace in receiving the watch and did you write a thank-you?

[Amy Kate]

Dejibo- Instead of "unfriending" you son or his g/f from facebook, you can instead choose to block them. This will simply disallow them from seeing your page and updates. And, unless they start to get wise to it and wonder where you've gone, they'll not know you've done it.

Another option when it comes to FB... when you post something, say you don't want your son (or whomever) to see, you can choose to "customize" your post, and select the specific ppl you don't want to be able to view what you post.

I sometimes do that when I want to post things about the office but I don't want an ex coworker to see.... as she might somehow get the info back to some of my office mates.

Does this make sense? I hope so..... That might be the best way instead of unfriending your son, or even blocking him, as that might make things worse and have him on your case more..... in person. Just a thought......