[Starznight]

Sorry all, feeling really grumpy today. It was hot today, humidity was already unbearable at eight am. And I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Thankfully my mother took me to buy yarn Friday. Cuz I would not have gone today.

But she was over trying to do some sewing, but her machine was squeaking horribly, she tried blowing it off as no big deal, but the constant squeaks were grating on my nerves... So she and my uncle tore it apart and fixed the squeaks.

But then to overcome the sound of the machine my uncle had the tv turned way up and decided to watch some action movies. So instead of 'squeak squeak squeak' I was blasted with 'bang Boom, rat tat tat' shaking my bed and walls. While I was curled up in bed with an ice pack trying my best to stay cool... Literally and figuratively.

Then DH came home and next thing I know he's wanting to mow the lawn, I have terrible allergies, had been trapped in bed most of the day, and rather than care that I'm having a bad day, he wants to make it worse....'but the lawn needs mowed or your allergies will be worse' was his infuriatingly logical answer.

So spent the rest of the afternoon with a headache that refused to go away or turn into a migraine that I could drug away, finally decided to take a nap before dinner. Slept through dinner even though DH did ask me if I was going to eat and roused me enough to say 'later' but when I got up tonight, no dinner and DH sleeping blissfully beside me.

Body is racked with pain over missing meds, head is still pounding but not enough to take meds, no food and in too much pain to make any, and just generally having a miserable day of it, especially knowing everyone is now sleeping and I'm going to bed up all night now, hungry and with no one to whine to.

The worst of it is tomorrow, if I do whine about it, my DH will blame me for letting my mom come and sew, my mom will blame my uncle for turning up the volume, my uncle will blame my DH for mowing the lawn and everyone will blame me for sleeping through dinner. "You snooze you lose, we didn't know what you wanted."

And if I whine to my dad about everything, he'll still think I'm child and ask if ice cream will make it all better, and want to take me to baskin Robbins or if tomorrow is as hot as today, he'll just about buy out the ice cream aisle of the supermarket and fill my freezer with the stuff. I still have eight boxes of peeps from two Easters ago sitting in the freezer.

It not like this is the first time days like this have occurred, but for some reason today got to me, and I just feel whiny and grumpy, one of the few times I wanted people to make the fuss they're almost always chomping at the bit to make and not one person did. Not that I can blame them cause normally I'm biting their heads off for it. So for once everyone did what I've asked them to do and left me alone, and like a little kid I'm ready to throw a tantrum.

I guess I can look forward to a year's worth of ice cream tomorrow, but its not going to help the growling stomach tonight. And since everyone let me sleep it is a rather pleasant evening, so I'm finally cooled down and outside listening to the symphony of crickets, with two kitties curled up at my feet.

One of which at least gave thought to my missing dinner and brought me home a mole. It's still alive and kicking and no doubt now is tunneling down messing up DHs freshly mown lawn and it's terrible that I actually feel glad about that, since it's my lawn too.

I suppose I should go make myself some toast and a nice cup of tea, it's quick and easy and should improve my mood some, especially now that the meds are kicking in.

Sorry and thanks for the vent, I know tomorrow probably won't be a better day, but I should hopefully be able to find my 'Tigger spring' at the bottom of a cup of peppermint tea by then.

[Starznight]

Seriously!!! No bread for toast!! Someone shoot me please!

[Erin524]

I made myself a microwave tv dinner tonight that didn't taste all that great. At least my aunts bought me some Pringles when they went shopping this morning for my parents and me. I'm probably going to regret eating almost a whole can of Memphis BBQ Pringles later.

If I'd felt better, I would have either taken my mom out for dinner, or I would have gone and gotten take-out.

Been watching my dad all day. He's suddenly gotten old in the last couple of weeks, and I'm suddenly really scared.

[Starznight]

Eww... Microwave dinner are yucky, but still would have been something to eat tonight, pity I never buy them. But I did scrounge up some crackers. Stale crackers are hardly a balm for a soul in peril, but at least they're able to fill a growling stomach all the same.

Sorry to hear about your father. My parents are over every night for dinner while my DH and uncle are renovating their house. It's easy to fool myself that they're the same as they ever were, but my father is showing the tell-tale signs of his stroke from two years ago, not nearly as spry as he used to be and my mother is getting more of the greys she has been longing for.

It's funny and sad to think they're both in their sixties, and my grandparents on moms side only lived to see 70. Less than ten years for my mom if she follows suit. Maybe fifteen for my father, but I don't expect he'd last a month without my mom and was a premie so there little telling though he's always had fairly good health, stroke aside.

I know I rely heavily upon them both, if in no other way than giving me a reason to act like I'm still the bright happy kid they remember rather than the sad sorry adult I've become. My mother especially rather forces me to keep up the act.

I know what she means when she says if she had to choose any of her kids to go through something like this she's glad it's me. My DH gets upset when he hears it, especially knowing my parents have always believed in favoritism and I'm their favorite.

But knowing she has such faith in my strength to deal, and knowing my father can't bear to see me upset or in any amount of pain, I force myself to put on the act that it's not so bad and it can all be fixed with a bit (or a lot) of ice cream and treats. And somehow in acting most of the time I can even fool myself, other than days like today, or rather yesterday now...

But what am I to do when they aren't here anymore? When there's no one to pretend for? My uncle is moving away in October, my parents should have a kitchen again in few weeks, and I won't have a reason to get lost in an act. Other than when they come over to visit, which my father has assured me, he'll continue to do, even if we can't do our little weekly outings.

We were supposed to go flying last year, in an old fashion bi-plane over St. Augustine, but indifferent health never allowed me to schedule it. Our trips to the beach seem like a forgotten memory, and forget trying to go canoeing anytime soon, and not only because of my health, but his as well. He can't help me if I can't get it together and I can't help him if he can't. We make a sorry pair that's for sure.

Tonight it feels like nothing will ever go right again, I would say it makes me depressed but instead it just makes me angry. My other two siblings have moved away, back to NH leaving me to care for my folks when I can't even care for myself. And leaving them to care for me when it's time we should be caring for them. And worse of all they treat my father like a bank only calling when they need a handout, though both are older than me.

I guess when my folks time comes it'll be the true test of my character since I'm not only in charge of their DNRs but also the executor of their estate. My mother has already stated that unless the other two pitch in closer to the end, I don't owe them a cent, but it's up to me to decide on how to divide it, and whether I want the folks put on life support, if possible, long enough for the other two to say goodbye.

We're rather morbid people in my family, but at the same time I think it's good to discuss the end, though I wish in a small part it wasn't entirely up to me, but understand my siblings attitudes don't allow my parents to discuss it openly with them. My brother simply refuses to listen to any of it, and throws a tantrum when it's brought up. While my sister cries dramatically and constantly brings up 'what-if' scenarios that grow evermore fanciful. Of course both want to be executors.

So I'm just hoping I can at least outlive my parents and see their desires carried out, but at the same time, I hope I won't because I don't know what I'll do afterwards. And I'm still trying to figure how as the baby of the family, the one with several brushes with death and raised as a pampered spoilt little thing, I'm the responsible one.

Lone survivor of a multitude of generational third child mortality curse on my mothers side, that had my great aunts and grandmother begging my mother not to have me since she'd only be burying me, getting a terrible bronchial infection when I was under six months, followed by iron poisoning, walking down the middle of a highway when I was two, drowning (needing resuscitation) when I was three, having last rites when I was five, and again when I was seven running a sustained fever over 104 for days with an unknown infection. Nearly hit (nose bumped) by a semi truck when I was nine. And now MS and yet I'm the child with their life together!?

Well if nothing else my mother is correct, if she had to chose a kid, better to pick the one whose clearly a survivor, then the ones who go into a fit because of a hangnail. But still if her theory is correct that god gives us nothing more than we can handle, I think he should have made my siblings a bit more durable so he wouldn't have to pick on me all the time. Maybe if they had a harder time of it on occasion they too could get their acts together.

[Erin524]

I never moved out. I've been with my parents for all of my 45 years. We almost lost my mom two years ago. She had West Nile virus in 2012. She was in the hospital for about two months. That was when my dad started to ignore his bad health. He kind of puts my mom above everything else. If she's sick, he drops everything...including his medication. To take care of her.

He kind of does the same for me. I don't know what I'm going to do if he's not here. I'll have to take care of my mother, and I can barely take care of myself. I have a sibling, but I don't think she'll really help me. At least not without a lot of lecturing, and blaming me for not being able to do stuff. I'm going to see if my dad will be able to go with me to buy a new car tomorrow. We've been wanting to get a new one, but we put it off for a few months because my ms has been flaring back and forth. I'm afraid that as soon as he's gone, my sister is going to swoop in, and try to take our minivan, or my car. (she can't get my car, because it's in my name. But the van is in my parents names) I'm afraid that they'll try to take our house.

Reason I'm so worried about this...I saw my dad's siblings fight over money when my grandmother died. (dad just let it go. He didn't want to fight with them. So he let them do it) I don't want to end up with that same situation. (a friend of mine saw one of their family members do the exact same thing. So it's not uncommon)

I just don't know if I can protect my mom as well as my dad has. I also don't know how I'll get along with my mother without my dad. (mom and I kind of clash a little bit) Not even sure I can protect myself. I'm not married. I do have a boyfriend, but he's got his own health to worry about. I can't ask him to help me. Wish I could, because I love him. But, I want to help him too, and I have no idea if I can do that with the MS picking on me all the time.

My parents kind of sheltered me, and protected me. I don't think I learned the life skills needed to protect them.

Kind of angry at the MS. It's kind of ruining all the fun of being able to do stuff for my parents. It's also keeping me from having a real relationship with my boyfriend. I would have liked to have been married by now. I know that's never going to happen. Who would want to marry me when I have an expensive chronic medical condition? Especially when it's as "chronic" as it's been over the past year.

[Starznight]

I'm coming to the realization that siblings suck. Even as the executor and my parents wishes I also know they aren't going to go down without a fight if I cut them out completely. I'm also not looking forward to the fight. My aunt went through that with my grandparents death.

Thankfully not on my parents side, they were ready to give their share to my aunt who put her life almost completely on hold to care for them despite her sister living closer to them in the beginning of their decline. But once my grandfather died did her sister or one of the other brothers give any consideration to that?

Nope! And they weren't even happy with their fifth of the funds. (My dad is one of five) her sister still wanted all of my grandmothers jewelry, was frighting for it before my grandmother was even in the ground. One of the brothers wanted all my grandfathers guns, again before he was even in the ground when he passed. Even my sister got in on the action, wanting my grandfathers van, because she had kids and grandpa would have wanted her to have it. (A 40,000 fully loaded town and country) yeah I'm sure he bought it with her in mind.

And did they want to help sort through the things left? Oh no, just make an inventory of anything worth anything and give them a copy, so they could choose what they liked. The ungrateful little $&!&)@.... I shouldn't say that though, for the most part they're decent people, my sister excluded, but.... Get money involved and the fangs come out.

Thankfully my parents don't have much of a legacy and my siblings are bleeding them dry before they die. I'll be lucky if there's still land to sell when they go, but if there's even a single penny left you can believe my siblings will be salivating over it.

And I wish I could tell you not to discount yourself in terms of marriage, which in a way I still don't think there's no hope, but even my DH has to remind me sometimes I was raised catholic and don't believe in divorce. I have asked him several times for one so he can be free. But he tells me what I told him when he chose to make another leap for marriage... "Catholics don't believe in divorce, we believe in shovels, backyards and no witnesses"

It was the only way to convince him, to try another marriage. Rather regret it now, I'm sure he could have found someone far better for him. But it seems our fate was tied far too many years ago now. I carelessly tempted fate without even realizing it and he was the unlucky target.

[SallyC]

((((((Starz)))))) ((((((Erin))))))

This is supposed to be a happy place over here at the Stumble Inn.

[Starznight]

Sorry Sally. Wasn't even paying much attention to where I placed this last night. I blame the hunger

[tkrik]

Sounds like you have a lot going on right now. Try breaking things down a bit and taking them one at a time. I hope things get better for you.

[SallyC]

Originally Posted by Starznight

Sorry Sally. Wasn't even paying much attention to where I placed this last night. I blame the hunger

I'm never hungry if there is ice cream in the freezer and the electricity
is working. Yor Dad is right. It's good for the soul.