[Koala77]

It's bedtime here in Australia so by the time most of you read this, I'll be fast asleep, so please don't be offended if I don't answer you until tomorrow.

I have a question for you all.

First I had a breast lump removed (benign), then I had the bowel cancer operation in September (hemicolectomy), then the nose biopsy in October that came back positive....hence this latest operation on Friday..... and tonight in the middle of dinner my hubby burst into tears.

We did the cuddle thing and when he stopped crying, I asked him what was wrong. He said he was scared of losing me, and then said "what will happen to me"?

I too am a bit scared after all the nasties that has been happening to me lately, but how am I supposed to make him feel better when at times, I'm only just holding up appearances myself?

At the same time, I'm a bit peeved that he's thinking poor me! Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly, and we'll have been married 20 years this October and you don't take that sort of commitment lightly.

Right now it's me that's going through all this, but it's him that wants support from me! I did it tonight, and I did it last time he needed it as well, but I'm not sure I always can. The last time he broke down and cried was when I had to have the bowel operation, so what do I do and what do I say, if this happens again? He really doesn't have anyone else he can talk to about things this personal.

[Jodylee]

Hi K. Husbands!! We have been married for 21 years and we've always been each other's best friends. My dh doesn't or won't talk to anyone else about personal issues either. I have female friends and this forum to vent my fears. It seems that most men don't discuss important matters with each other. I've been trying to get my dh to at least talk with a counselor (with or without me). He has refused so far. I think I can wear him down though. I've gotten my way in the past! It can cause a lot of tension between us because I've started to resent his neediness. Maybe you can get your dh to go to a counselor who helps couples dealing with chronic illness. I'm not giving up on my dh, after 21 years, I'm not willing and don't want to see our relationship go down the drain. My thoughts are with you and your dh.

[sassy]

Too bad there's not a happy medium. My husband always has the pat answer, everything will be ok, don't worry. Well, I'll worry if I want to I tell him.

So, what would be the good middle ground? Any ideas?

[DM]

Hi Anne! Well, I don't know how much help I can be on this one, but you do know how much I care about you. *that's a given* 20 yrs is a good chunk of time to be together and he's afraid of the "what ifs".

I think you need to talk w/him and tell him that you share his concern, but he MUST have broad shoulders for you right now. This is about your life and your needs.
Maybe talk to him when he's calm and just state the fact that you NEED him to help you be strong. Explain that his breakdowns do not allow you to get your emotions out, and that it is very draining for you.

No one knows what tomorrow holds. You have had such a horrendous yr, but you have come through it and you are strong. (I know you are)
Tell R that you can get through this together and that his falling apart is not helping you.

He needs to know that you cannot be strong for both of you right now.
Sit him down, Anne..... Tell him to put his arms around you and let the tears flow if you need to. It's a good cleansing.

I am praying for your results to be in your favor, Anne.
You are so special and I'm only a keyboard away.

[greta]

I think the "what would happen to me?" is a very natural question, not selfish, just showing that he's really thinking about this. To me, that's a whole lot better than denial and a lot more supportive in the end. As he works through this, he'll better be able to give you the support that you need. Both of you are struggling to come to terms with all that's going on and the fact that he's talking is great.

[weegot5kiz]

just maybe he was thinking poor him and not poor you, perhaps the loss of your friendship and being around will be too much for him maybe he is scared

dont be mad at him I cant think about the death thing, cause it tears my heart in two i would miss my nag lol i meant wife so much i got watery

eyes thinking and typing about it. i dont ever want to lose my debbie. just trying to add a diff perspective

[sugarboo]

The fear of losing a spouse is scary....I feel bad for your DH but I also get not wanting to go on about things too. I tend to keep things in more, don't want to share it out loud in fear that it will be true. I think sometimes you have to have those sessions where you talk in great length, get it out...then both are free until the next time fear comes a knocking. Hope you slept well and hugs to your DH.

[Koala77]

Joelle, Sassy, DM ,Greta, weegot5kiz, greenjeans, thank you all.

You all made points that made good sense. A couple of you said things that touched me deeply, and I thank you for that. I guess over the next few days we'll be tested again when these latest results come through, so I guess I'll just have to be strong for now, and wait and see how your ideas work out during the "crunch".

I apppreciate you all for taking the time to reply, and I thank you so very much.

[Switch]

I hope you really don't think that crying at the thought of losing someone you love or having life threatening health problems means that you're weak. I don't think you should worry too much about who has to be the strong one right now, it sounds like you're both handling things as well as possible and in the healthiest way.

I think you should be thankful that he is able to show his emotions rather than holding them in so you don't end up having to care for him as he recuperates from a heart attack or stroke. I think the best thing you can do when he does break down is to tell him it's ok to worry and that you do too. If you feel the need to cry too, there's nothing saying that only one can do it at a time. Good luck.