Faith, what I "hear" you saying is that you really just want ideas on how to show your love . . . not so much advice that this isn't what your daughter needs right now? (Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong.)

I suspect this is because you don't like the dynamics that have been going on, and you want to try to balance out the arguments with some amount of tranquility in the house.

To that end, I've tried to think of some ideas:

- buy her favorite shampoo/perfume and leave it by her bedroom door
- leave a rose on her pillow
- drop a "have a good time" card, (with stars tucked in that fall out when she opens it ) in her luggage when she goes off for the weekend
- send her anonymous balloons to her work on valentines day
- buy her her own tweezers or an eye-lash curler . . . something she's always borrowed from you but would love to have of her own
- tell her something looks nice on her
- make a point of thanking her when she takes initiative to do something, like hauls the garbage cans in without being asked
- take her for a pedicure with you
- ask her if she wants to go to "Mac" with you so you can both have a make-up consultation

There are really so many things I can think of, but most cost some amount of money and it sounds like she is already getting a lot taken care of for her. More then anything, I think she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet (or fall on her face a few times).

I think the real issue is what everyone has said though. She IS an adult, you can't control her any more, and she does have to make her own mistakes. The harder you try to act like a doting mother, the more she will pull away. Once you accept that, the fighting will probably stop, and the house will be much calmer anyway.

However . . . it might mean she really does need to break away for a while first though . . . even if it is just free-loading somewhere else.

I remember when a friend of mine was going through this with his 17 yr old. My question to him was "what were you doing at 17?". His response was that he was "in the first year of the police academy". For some reason, he just didn't see his son as grown up as HE thought he was at that age.

I know you just want to protect her . . .

Cherie

DD has started "Mom is an idiot - roll eyes, OMG " phase. I can't change her being a teen but when she enters a room, try to let my eyes and face show I'm glad to see her. No words, no fake overacting, just letting her know I like her. When she brings a report card home (she gets As in classes she likes, if she doesn't - it's a C) Tell her , "It's just a piece of paper". Then Cs stopped, now the grade is for her, not me..
The harder you hold, the more they struggle to escape.

Of course, now I've said that, she'll give me fits.

Thanks, Cherie. Helpful ideas. You understood what I was requesting.

Update:
DD was pleasant yesterday. I didn't see her much. She worked, babysat, was home for supper, babysat, spent time w/ BF. But, she was friendly and respectful.

Previous day, she cried, and told us how she had not felt supported for years. I have not been very supportive this last year, because I have disagreed with many of her decisions. I cannot pretend to agree, or ignore them.

However, I spent years and years and years supporting her swimming, flute, piano, academics, service to others, friendships, etc. I am confused about how 17 years of support can be wiped out by one bad year. A year when she was burned out on school, life, etc.

But, I am also encouraged, because she took the time to talk to us, and to cry, and to share her feelings, even though her perceptions are very different than mine. And I am encouraged because she was "nice" yesterday.

Thanks, all, for listening, and for your ideas and support.

~ Faith

Hmmm. I think so. Why do you ask?

~ Faith

I like that. Thanks.

~ Faith

She probably sees all those "supportive years" as years that she did what you wanted her to and/or approved of. Now that she is trying to break away, you don't "seem" to agree with any of her choices (at least that's how she sees it).

Of course it's much easier to drive our kids all those years to ballet lessons then it is to a party or rock concert. We know they are safe when we take them to an adult supervised "lesson", but when they are off to a party with perhaps no supervision . . . If we even LET them go then we start in on the "don't do this", "don't do that", "watch out for" and eventually "I told you so's". They never got nagged like that when they went to ballet . . .

Some kids go through this when they are 12, and some at 18 . . . but almost ALL go through it. In many ways you are lucky because she has been very obedient and focused until this age (good grades, etc., which is going to really help her in the longer run), but she intends to cut loose a bit now. I know that's scary.

She is an adult though, and other then expecting her to pay her way at your home (like any other boarder might have to do), you really have no authority over her any more. She can go in the reserves, she can vote and drink in some countries . . . she can even start a family if she wants.

Cherie

No. She swam, did piano/flute because SHE wanted to. We put countless hours and $$ into supporting her in her endeavors.

Sometimes, when she over-extended herself, we wondered if we should allow her to continue all of her activities. She did it for her, not for us.

~ Faith

I emailed this to her this morning. She will probably not get around to reading it until this evening. She may, or may not, reply.

~ Faith

August 20, 2008

Dear ____;

Thank you, again, for sharing with us, the other evening, about your thoughts and feelings. I am glad that you believe family is important, and that you want to be happy, and to have fun with us. I hope that we can turn that around. I want to have fun with you, too.

Our perceptions (yours and mine) are very different. I believe that, when you and (brother)____ were toddlers, pre-schoolers, and in elementary school, that I parented very much like _____ and _____. (BTW, DD compared us, unfavorably, to parents of children that she babysits, that she greatly respects.) As you changed, the way that I parented changed too. Things evolve. Life happens. It saddens me to have you compare me with someone else, and to have you put me in the “poor parenting” category.

I have had some trouble with anger in recent years. I believe that is related to my MS. I believe that, when it happens, I am not able to control it. I do not wish to be judged for this. I do not wish for all the previous years to be deleted from your memory. I want you to look at me fairly.

I also have some thoughts, about you not feeling supported by us, for years. I am saddened, and confused, by that. I do not know what you wish I would have done differently. And, you were not able to express that. When I asked, you felt pushed. I cannot make changes if I do not know what changes you want. Please continue to think about that, and to share that with me, if any of that begins to become more clear to you.

I do not understand how you have not felt supported for years. I have not agreed with, or supported, many of your decisions during the past year. I do not apologize for that. As I have said, I cannot pretend to agree with something that I do not believe is in your best interests. But, I do apologize for not conveying that in a more loving manner. I am sorry for that, ____.

When you were young, I was so happy. I thoroughly enjoyed every day off that I had with you and ____. We played games, we read books, we went to the library and the park. We did lots of things together.

As you grew, and your interests changed, I drove you to swim practice, and back. I watched you practice. I attended swim meets, at home, and away. We spent days at 1 day meets, 2 day meets, 3 day meets. We planned much of our entire family schedule, for almost a decade, around your swimming. Sometimes, unfortunately, at (brother)____’s expense. (Perhaps he did not feel supported, because we were so busy supporting you.)

We spent countless dollars on swimming, because we supported it. I do not regret that, for most of those years. I do wonder about the wisdom of spending that money during the later years, when you chose to attend much fewer swim practices, but, we still did it, because we believed it was important to you. We supported you. I spent countless hours supporting your swimming, because you enjoyed it and you worked hard at it. I enjoyed watching you swim.

For years, I drove you to piano lessons, sat through your lesson, and drove you home. I encouraged you to practice piano. I did not make you quit, even when you would practice only one day a week. I supported you. Flute lessons, too. We purchased a $400 flute for you, when you had an adequate flute. We supported you.


For many, many years, I bragged to my friends, in small group, at church, at work, about how hard-working you were – with swimming, and in school. I suspect that most of them would be very surprised to hear that you have not felt supported, for years. I supported you.


I regret that the last years have not been as happy as previous years were. I believe that we have both contributed for that. I am sorry for my part. I hope that you recognize your part in the problem, too. It is not healthy, or accurate, usually, to believe that a problem is caused solely by one person. Life just usually does not happen that way. If you are unhappy about our relationship, you need to look inside, and see what you could have differently, as well. I suspect that these last years have clouded your view of all of the previous years. I do not want you to enter your adult years, believing that you lived an entire unhappy childhood. That is not ever, ever, ever what I would have wanted for you.

I am currently proud of many of your recent decisions. You have been a leader in the youth group. You love God. You want to serve, through MDS. You have served, in many capacities, over the years.

Again, it saddens me that, because I do not agree with some of your 2008 decisions, that everything else seems to be thrown out the window.

I want to keep this dialogue open. I want to hear your thoughts, if you can figure out what they are. You do not feel understood. I do not feel understood. We are in the same boat.

Let’s please keep talking.

Thank you for listening.

Love,
~Mom

Yes, they were her choices, but the "good" choices of a child, and ones you would have agreed with.

If she had instead chose to:

- go to the movies with a bunch of boys
- sneak out the window at 3:00 am
- drink
- hang out at the park all day with a group of thugs
- get a tattoo
- pierce her tongue
- wear only black and dye her hair pink
- etc.

... then you wouldn't have supported her then either, right?

Cherie

Would have loved her.. Would not have supported her decisions. Would have prayed for and supported her (not her decisions). Those are different.

I think that is what she, also, does not understand.

~ Faith