This Thanksgiving I have felt much like a social leper. My sis and BIL came to visit. There is a constant undertone of being judged. I was criticized for my apparently very bad social skills. I know they are bad but I am depressed and the smallest thing sets me off. Most of all I need understanding and some slack, and to be liked for who I am. I honestly try as hard as I can, but I am not much like other people. I consider myself very strong but there is a critical mass point for everybody. I have been doing a lot of crying and when alone I screamed enough to make myself hoarse. I am close to melt down. it is quite fortunate my dog is deaf.

I'm not so sure it's so much judement, but I think my MS and I scare the s***out of people. People get noticeably louder (I have MS, I'm not DEAF!), fake nice-nice and are not too long in their interaction with me. I'm in a wheelchair and have to be up-front about my needs (I got to pee NOW!). More time and attention must be given when I speak as muscles in my mouth don't work great and can make me unclear, everything is a little harder. DH wants to know if I want to attend some business related parties - a nice "outing" for me he thinks. HA! The food is never great, from a chair I look at too many butts, forgive me for being honest - NO. I do avoid certain people, many I avoided before anyway.

thanks for the response. i feel so supported here and it takes away a little of my stress.

i don't think i am paranoid (about this) but when BIL asks Dad if he is OK then he really wants to know if I am routinely committing elder abuse.

last night i slept 3 hrs (while on meds to help me sleep) and got up to study the workers comp site. i was making some comments on its content and got jumped on again for being negative. sis called it a "rant".

sis says she went yrs without sleep when her kids were young. but i don't think she had pain on the 8 scale for 3 weeks straight at the same time, nor was she in her 50's at the time. yes, i need to be less negative. when sis said "i just don't want help" that put me in tears on a day i had to go to the texas employment commission and look professional. (also for about the 3rd day in a row). i explained that when she tells me to be more positive that i want that, but getting the advice is similar to the dentist saying just relax while he is hurting the crap out of you. meanwhile BIL asks if i just want them to leave. i told him no but he says he can't wait to get away from me. meanwhile dad is on their side and says i am hallucinating their petty, hurtful remarks. he can't hear well so he invents what he thinks he heard anyway, and was not privy to some of the things that were said to me.

truthfully i am scared of them. BIL plies dad with more liquor than he is used to and while i am trying to convince dad to go inquire about his bad anemia test results they are unconcerned when he won't eat breakfast. dad is on coumadin and is not supposed to have any liquor. he cheats and has 1 beer once a week. he gets about 3 beers a day around BIL. yes, i am scared of them too. i think even depressed dad is better off with me. i am scared to let any of them drive, they never pick a designated driver and see no problem assuming i will do it, neck pain or no. but i prefer to drive in pain than to risk another wreck.

Sorry you got your feelings hurt

Sometimes it's just too much "famdamnally" love around those traditional holidays for many, many people. You should start a thread about that. i'm sure many could posts similar insults occuring around the gathering.

You're worth your weight in gold, so don't let them sell you too short on anything. They probably need more help than you do.

It's clear they don't have good judgment.

For what it's worth, I'm on your side.

Since my spinal and brain injuries, I dread social gatherings. My brain can't filter sounds and the multiple conversation just become this jumble of noise. I stutter and use the wrong words and strangers figure I'm drunk or stupid. Family members are worse because they expect me to behave like I would have before the accident. (I'm sorry, but I don't have the balance for table dancing or the quick wits for clever repartee.)

When I can't avoid these things, I hope my host has pets or small children. Then I can spend the evening stroking a friendly cat and answering refreshingly honest questions from a curious kid who isn't trying to pretend I'm not different from the other guests.

Cheers

I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

I really do not understand why people have such a hard time with us being sick. If our arm was burned or cut off then they could see it and would have compassion. But even my closest friends that I have kept since high school are "no longer." They can't transition from us being the supportive and "listening friend", to now being the one who needs an ear sometimes.

I really feel that I used to be used for my legal and personal advice, and that my relationships were built on me being the "giver." Now that I either need help, or, cannot listen for hours at night about their problems, or loan them money, or provide FREE legal assistance, they really have no use for me.

I've cried a lot over this.

At some point, I have to just STOP and say to God, "thank you for being there always, and not abandoning me" and any friend or family who is still there. (You can count them on one hand.)

My illness has given some people in my life "permission" to criticize me - I am too sick to fight back or even care to do so. My illness has revealed so many jealousies that I am SHOCKED that so many of my friends and family were not really happy for my earlier success. They now gloat that I have lost everything materially. Again, those who really care for me, and there are a few, I cherish them.

I am not able to send out birthday cards for everyone as I used to. Or send checks to nieces, nephews or help people who needed a bit of cash for credit cards or rent. I would have thought that having helped them in the past someone would offer to come sit with me, go to the grocery, take me to a doctor appt., or even just buy me some PJs...or just let me talk. Nope, I have been just criticized in so many ways, for so many reasons, that often they contradict themselves at some point and the whole thing is comical...

Love those who love us by their action. Forget the rest - truly, just let it go, forget the pain, don't give anyone like that the time of day ever, ever again...not that we can't forgive, but don't let them use you again...just put up a b ig boundary and find what is enjoyable and hug the one who does love you.

We love eachother - let's always remember that the BAD people are always there, and we need to help eachother at all times without comparing who has more, who got a bigger settlement (or any) or who is feeling better or has better advice, or who's exercise is better - let's just keep eachother feeling safe here and safe to vent like this. We need to vent. Don't think that someone is writing about you or putting you down before you first talk to that person and find out, don't race to feel bad or feel misunderstood here - remember that emails can sound differently than what is meant, and give eachother a wide leeway to be sick. We're all sick, no one is faking it, we've known eachother for years, so let us not do to eachother what the rest of the world does to us. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

My best thoughts to you all.

I feel your pain and resentment. I was the breadwinner in my family and got TOS, RSD, Cervical and Lumbar Spodylosis, and 5 disc herniations (and have all the diagnostic testing to prove it)from not 1 but 2 car accidents (a year apart). I tried hard to work through it all, desperately hiding my pain, but was "let go" of my job of 13 years because it was taking me too long to do the work that was needed.

Anyhow, while waiting for SSDisabilty (which I won), we were in desperate need of funding (have a husband and 2 small boys). My husband went to his parents to seek aide (who are well off, but cheap as can be), but they refused to offer any help. They told me husband if we needed money, that his wife "needed to get off her lazy ***** and get a job. And to quit faking that there is anything wrong with her because she looks fine to us. She's just doing all this to get attention and win a big lawsuit pay-out".

I was so hurt and sickened by that remark, because I've been nothing but an AWESOME daughter-in-law, always giving of myself and kind to everybody. I wouldn't be surprised to hear those remarks by anyone who didn't know me well, but from close family! It was such an insult of my character, that I can no longer be in thier company, because if they TRULY cared for me, the would've understood to educate themselves on what I had instead of throwing stones at me. Bottom line is..... we deal with so much negative ordeals with our physical lives alone, so we can't let any others add to our already heavy load. Cut them off, if needed, and surround yourself by positivity

I believe you Vanna when you say you were an "awesome" dil.

I've noticed from our TOS meetings that we all seem to be awesome, hardworking, over-working and generous people. One of the most caring woman I have EVER met (OCgirl) I met through this site...

So I truly believe you were and STILL are a great daughter.

God bless you.

Tied, Vanna-
Just want to give a hug! I'm rooting for yall getting through the holidays . I understand how family kick you while you're down. Jump on the boards here when you need to feel appreciated!!