I just feel I need a change, my life has changed so much now. Sometimes I get angry and want to just hold chunks and chop to get out stress. Still not sleeping right, days and nights mixed up. Can only sleep when someone is awake. Afraid to dream......Just started to get an appitite back, for more then fruit or cereal.

I have had my long hair so many years now. All the way below the bra strap....I want to keep it longer, but am going for a hair style ASAP. I guess layered and maybe soft layers around the face. Something I can fluff and dry.

I posted this picture as I just cleared up my Rosacea and Katie snapped a picture getting ready for work today.



PS, I used the Lamcome Hydra zen for DRY skin for celaring it up. I ahve no makeup on except the eyes a touch of pink and tips or lashes some mascara. Not sure how stressful my work would be to get through.
I will post an after if it is nice, othewise i will be wearing a hat!

I am 52 years old

You are a beautiful woman, Di!! You do NOT look 52! Maybe early 40's?

I agree, keep your hair past the shoulders but layers that will fluff out with a blow dryer and a round brush. Keep your makeup soft and natural - you have wonderful coloring (skin and hair).

In my most stressful times, I walk. In the woods, on a track, in the mall... anywhere. I guess it's my bodys' fight or flight response - since I can't run (too much impact). It's good for weight, toning, it lowers cholesterol and stress.

Can't wait to see your after pic!
Anne

((((((Dianne)))))),



You don't look 52 You look pretty (but sad).

A hairstyle's a good idea -- get the whole nine yards -- shampoo, massage, hot oil treatment. Have someone take care of you for a change.

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I know how hard it is to lose someone way to early. My baby brother committed suicide at 21. It's taken me a lifetime to realize that being here is just too hard for some people.

The next year is going to be absolute hell. Make sure to take care of yourself -- eat, sleep (the dreams will comfort you). And TALK. Talking and remembering will make it easier.

Di, always remember, you invested your soul in your daughter. You gave her everything that she deserved and MORE. Never, ever doubt that you were/are a wonderful Mother to a tortured little soul.

Read this when you get a chance: http://butterflywebsite.com/discover...ndrainbows.cfm Pay attention over the next few days. De will find a way to let you know that she's arrived safely.

BIG HUG (and love and blessings) for you and your sweet Angel.

Barb

Barb,
I wanted to share this with you, or anyone.
Last Saturday I think it was, just after the funeral, De's middle cat Dehila came upstairs from hiding. She woke me up making noise by the couch. She continued across the couch to the end table, across to the recliner where I was sleeping. SHe had this thing when she would visit with De of sleeping on my chest...well, she climbed up on my chest stretched out with her paws on the top of my chest paws crossed. All of a sudden she reached up with a paw and placed it to my cheek along side of my mouth. It was damp and felt like a kiss. Just held me for about a half a minute.

And I keep finding butterflies. It is winter and I didn't think I would see them. But, a trivate when I walked in the house was sitting on the floor. When I unpluged the curling irons and night light in her bathroom, there were butterfly hair clips.

Made me just lose it today a bit, how much I miss her.
Every medical care person, every social agency worker, school friends have taken time to send cards, call or take time if I am out to hug me and share a story of how De affected them. Many offer a prayer. So many have been so supportive, I ride the wings of prayers of many.

It is one week since the funeral, I think that is why it is such a difficult day.
I went in her house and I got angry with her, why did it happen, why couldn't she call if she didn't feel right. (police told her they would arrest her if she ever called 911 again). I am allowed 20 minutes a day to be sad or angry I feel.

But, now to upgrade, maybe the new hairstyle will help. I have a favorite stylist that took care of De too. I am a retired hairdresser and very particular not to get chopped short on top.
I will see if she had something open and can fit me in.

Thank all for keeping me going,
Di

I know Di It's so hard to give up someone we love so much -- someone we tried so hard to help.

The only thing -- the only thing -- that we have to let go of is the hurt. The love will always-always be there. Since she's communicated to you so early, you'll find many times when you're feeling down or low, that she's there right beside you.

I truly believe that there's many-many layers to life that we don't understand. The ancient Orientals and the ancient Egyptians understood that there's more -- much more -- to life than just "now".

You were privileged to know and to take care of a very special soul. That will bring comfort to you as the days pass. S'funny, we don't realize until after, the incredible impact these special souls also had on other people. I wonder sometimes, in my heart, if they're Angels sent here for a special purpose.

Love and BIG HUGS.

Barb

pics tomorrow?? right?

Hi Di,

A new "do" can certainly lift the spirits. If you decide to go for a major chop.....even we not as young as we used to be gals can do Locks for Love.....they need 10 inches. Most salons that work with LOL give you a free haircut for your efforts.

Please remember that it's okay to not feel great right now too. You have had so much pain and stress recently due to the loss of your daughter on top of your own health issues. Take care of yourself

.....and never tell anyone that you are a day over 40

God Bless

Hey Di, I'll bet it's hard to believe it has hardly been a week since De's services, what with the emotional rollercoaster you must be on. Not surprised at all at how much insight you have into what is happening with you right now, either.

Your circadian rhythms all turned around, night looks like day and day like night? Or "been down so long, it looks like up to me..." (Richard Farina). Others have said great things about the need to pamper and how wonderful you look (no way you're 52 and I think this website makes me look fat!) so for what it's worth I wanted to touch upon some other things you've shared.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they're just feelings - and so I'm glad you don't sound guilty for having a single one of them. You sound amazingly healthy and normal to me, all things considered, and I know you will find your balance. Just not sure about putting time limits on your "right" to feel certain things - also maybe thought you might look at dreams a different way? I do identify with how hard it is for Di to put DI FIRST, so here's my 2 cents (and you tell me if any of this resonates):

I would be afraid to go to sleep too if I were worried (however unconsciously) that I might lose another loved one unless I kept vigil every second. Fear of abandonment is a very strong human emotion. But obviously you know your body needs to rest and to sleep.

Just as importantly, I think - and this goes to the grieving process - DREAMING is your brain's way of working through certain emotional issues and events that may be too painful just yet for you to process in your waking state. So...dream on, McDuff!! It is important on a lot of levels for you to sleep, perchance to dream. Is there someone you feel safe and supported around who could maybe come stay with you for a few days?

If my daughter were to die on me suddenly in a way that I maybe felt (rationally or no) I could have prevented "if only" she had reached out to me, I would be angry also. Underlying that anger after all that you went through for and with De? My guess would be a huge sense of betrayal. And hey, while we're on the subject where the heck was God, how could He have let this happen to my baby? I'd be furious!! And then the capper, knowing me, would come the self-flagellation, my failure to save her, to sense the danger, to mind-read, read every last letter of each rx side-effect, etc., etc. and on and on. So painful to feel all that rage, to walk through it. Talk about it, write about it. Get it out however you can.

I think I asked you in an earlier post if you have an Employee Assistance Program available to you through your work (EAP). The private sector has been able to cut these programs, but I believe government agencies must maintain them, and they are invaluable in these situations. They will find you a grief counselor near your home or office and there should be no charge for the first 3 visits or so (this may depend on the plan, not sure). If not, I'm sure it goes w/o saying but look for other church and/or community resources along these lines - they are out there!

Di, you are a very strong and beautiful woman and I know you will get through this with dignity and grace. This is a huge loss for you and the right third-party support might prove invaluable to you at this time. I know you have loving family and friends around you, Dear, but they are grieving just as you are right now. Keep reminding each other, this just happened..it is going to take time to heal. Give yourself credit each day for even being able to get up out of bed - Gosh, I would! (and it's OK if you choose to stay in bed, by the way...whatever gets you through right now is absolutely OK)

I hope I have not offended you with anything I've said. You are a hero in my book, Di, and I think you provide a lot of inspiration to people on this forum.

Peace to you,
Alison

P.S. My hair sucks

It may be hard to think of yourself at this time.............But think of what Dee would have wanted for you!

Why not treat yourself to a make over! I can never decide what to do with my hair so I let the people who know what they are doing decide! Find a really upscale hair salon, make an appointment, walk in and tell them your life style and how you want something easy to take care of nothing high maintenance and let them at it! NO holds barred!

Then go to a nice mall with a Macy's or someplace and make an appointment or sometimes they do walk-ins and have your make up done! They do it for free! Tell them again, easy is best! Then hit the shops for a new set of any type of clothes!

It may cost a paycheck to do it.....but it's a huge boost during a hard time.

Take a day to yourself or you and a friend and just "do" for you!

Di,

As I suggested the other night, yes, do something now for yourself.

Go treat yourself and let them make you feel great. Go on the trip we talked about to visit that old girlfriend and put things at home and work behind you for a few days.

YOU DESERVE IT!

Peggy