Any of you ever gone on a TOS-induced destructive rampage? 'Cuz I'm about there right now. Curious how this is going to turn out in a few days.

Found out today that all this horrible spinal stuff I've been going through (lower down than the usual TOS stuff) might be spondylolisthesis. I seriously am a big ball of muscle spasms from the neck, down. I can feel my body twisting my spine in every direction except the correct one, my hips are out, etc. Been battling this and trying everything for months, and nothing has helped - it's only gotten worse. I'm at the end of my rope.

So my doc told me not to do a bunch of things I've been avoiding, anyway, and I decided to go completely against doctor's orders and to just do everything I want to do, which basically is everything my doc doesn't want me to do.

But you know, I already had stopped living my life and I just got worse anyway. So what's the point?

I think it's destructive rampage time. Went straight from the doc's to the horse trainer's tonight and RODE MY HORSE!

TOTALLY tightened up my spine even worse! WOOT!

But I honestly DON'T CARE. I'm kind of amused by it. More drugs and a "Whatever!" attitude. Because I TOTALLY had fun. Haven't had fun like that in a while.

Maybe this is how people become drug addicts and spiral out of control?

Has anyone ever been in this "place" before? (You know what I mean - this crazy mental status?)

I'm thinking it might be short-lived, once the "real" flare-up hits. But I don't know... Kind of wondering what will happen if I flare up worse than ever and keep riding the horse anyway!

I'm losing it, right? Am I losing it?

~ Jenny

Hello, Just remember what the docs say" that should'nt hurt there and if it does, don't do that anymore. Your very lucky to be riding a horse. I have ten and have not ridden in years. There's alot of great people around here. Hugs, WTR Nymph

Jenny, I did something like that recently and spent the next with pain so bad I was vomiting. and it would all end. But you know what...you did it, hope you enjoyed it and it was worth it.
This whole thing is frustrating and at times we do just lose it trying to cope. Lets hope tomorrow doesnt cause a full blown flare, but I would stay off the horse for awhile anyways.
Giving a shout out to my tos friend today who has helped me through some tought times, this is for you...

Yes, I have done the destructive tantrum... they come in waves, so just hang on thru as many as you can. Don't always give in to every destructive activity, but if it brings you some joy, once in a while won't kill you...


... right? It won't. will it??

Hey Jenny,

I know you have been suffering longer than me, but sometimes for me, "doing something" (whatever it is we enjoy that we normally dont) is so worth it, even if we know we will have to take more pain meds and sometimes spend the next day or two in bed... at least for me....every once in while reminds me who I was and who I cant wait to be.

Hope you feel better, and it sounds as though you enjoyed riding 8)

I love to write. It hurts for a long time afterwards, but not writing would hurt more in other ways. So, I write just cutting the time and bracing for the pain to come. I think it is better then doing nothing and feeling less pain. How good is life without doing the things you love even if it hurts.

Jenny you are now my official hero and you have honorary cajones.

Yes I have lost it. Sometimes I want to break something and I do. Door slamming is real big on my list, even if its a spice cabinet and the spices go flying. I also can do some real damage with a pickax in the garden. I can beat rugs and it keeps me from doing worse things.