[JennyHurts]

Any of you ever gone on a TOS-induced destructive rampage? 'Cuz I'm about there right now. Curious how this is going to turn out in a few days.

Found out today that all this horrible spinal stuff I've been going through (lower down than the usual TOS stuff) might be spondylolisthesis. I seriously am a big ball of muscle spasms from the neck, down. I can feel my body twisting my spine in every direction except the correct one, my hips are out, etc. Been battling this and trying everything for months, and nothing has helped - it's only gotten worse. I'm at the end of my rope.

So my doc told me not to do a bunch of things I've been avoiding, anyway, and I decided to go completely against doctor's orders and to just do everything I want to do, which basically is everything my doc doesn't want me to do.

But you know, I already had stopped living my life and I just got worse anyway. So what's the point?

I think it's destructive rampage time. Went straight from the doc's to the horse trainer's tonight and RODE MY HORSE!

TOTALLY tightened up my spine even worse! WOOT!

But I honestly DON'T CARE. I'm kind of amused by it. More drugs and a "Whatever!" attitude. Because I TOTALLY had fun. Haven't had fun like that in a while.

Maybe this is how people become drug addicts and spiral out of control?

Has anyone ever been in this "place" before? (You know what I mean - this crazy mental status?)

I'm thinking it might be short-lived, once the "real" flare-up hits. But I don't know... Kind of wondering what will happen if I flare up worse than ever and keep riding the horse anyway!

I'm losing it, right? Am I losing it?

~ Jenny