[MarketRisk]

think this is it. been >3yrs now since cycle flipped sideways. shoulder pushed up and spine over shoulder (helmet bouncing off road). funny bone hit for months. nervey up right cervical, down right thoracic, and out towards right shoulder. wasted. winging scapula. clunky neck. just such rubbish pain.

why is computing causing such problems?
why does using the arms?

i can't live like this. shoulder surgeon sending me for possible modified eden-lange or serratus anterior surgery. but i was just examined by a medic about 2 yrs ago and i had a MASSIVE reaction - whole nerves flared up (he was trying to figure out why the right side was more forward and down than the right). what to do? any recommendations? i am so scared. i was lying on the floor in agony for months and only recovered to how was before (rubbish if you try and do anything) over a year later.

what is wrong with me?! had axonopathic proximal plexus and spinal accessory nerve lesions finally in sept 09. had all of right cervical and thoracic spine denervated before then, because pain guy thought it was spinal. right, best go, arms hurting like ... anyone else have very tight thoracic spine and crushing pain around the chest (along with the rats eating your shoulders, heavy electric arms and cold hands, stabbing neck, aaargh!)

why me? my daughter is 7 (she was 3 when this happened) and all i ever wanted was to be a good mum and a hard worker. sorry, feeling down. pain consultant saying my doing computing for 22.5 hours a week is not 'an insurmountable' for me. wish he knew what this felt like when i type. can i show him anything? he probably just thinks i'm workshy (had 1, 2.5, 1, 2 days off sick in 4 years prior to accident, bar 4 days for missed miscarriage, have 1st from cambridge and a ph.d. and post-doc research), but my pain just becomes unbearable doing this or anything else like sewing, or hoovering, or keeping my neck and upper back rigid. i was/am a maths modeller / software engineer.

does this make sense to anyone? i feel so alone.

after doing an hour computing through the day yesterday i ended up where i spent most of 2007 (when i was forcing myself back into work). on the floor, on my front, with my hands and arms under my shoulders and thorax, with hot wheat pillows on my back and neck, a fentanyl lozenge in my mouth, and sobs of pain and frustration. i couldn't even collect my daughter from school 10 minutes away. her father had to, and he'd been up for work at 5am.

i feel so useless. unhappy smiley face.