[gibbrn]

I had a horrific experience yesterday. I am ashamed and still feel like killing myself...but have promised fiance(marc) I won't. I was at a doctors visit as usual every second tuesday and she told me I was failing her rehab...I was not following her instructions and that I am in a self esteem crisis. I am sorry but do you tell a patient you believe is in a self esteem crisis they are failing rehab...but no judgement was said.....I was in so much mental pain, physical pain and had had it.

I came home dropped my bags, ran to the bedroom for the emergency stash of meds and locked the bedroom door and began counting pills to put in my mouth. I was crying and couldn't see them so it took a long time. Marc was panicking of course and b/c the door was locked he bashed it in with his shoulders and took the pills from me and pulled them out of my mouth. I called him every swear word there is known to man/woman and kept at it punching him (of course wth my tos arm) and yelling to get the pills back. I beat the **** out of him and he just kept telling me he loved me and it was okay we would be okay....I didn't believe just wanted to end the suffering of almost 7 years of hell and damn insurance cos. and workers comp...you all know. I had had enough....but I took every piece of anger out on him I bit him I kicked him I yelled at him I punched him and he jst kept telling me he loved me. He said he understood but I had to stop. I couldn't. I threatened to call 911 and tell them he was beating me up to get my pills back......it was REALLY REALLY BAD.....PROBABLY WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Thank GOD I have an angel named Marc who loves me and protected me but I am so p/o'd at the doc for making me feel worthless, uselss, jobless, hopeless.....any more lesses????? I'm sure you all know them.

I wish I was dead it would take away my pain my suffering and my stupid waste of a life....Marc says I am here for him...do I believe that??????? i don't know....all I know is my fiance is black and blue from me punching and kicking him and he still loves me. He took my anger and let me rage but took the pills(and rightly so) and saved my life. He is an angel. I love him with all I am but I am still depressed and p/od at the doctor...Marc is coming to next visit with her. I can't believe she made me feel so hopeless and useless and like such a failure that she made me want to kill myself.

I know this is a very personal post and I ask that you all respect the hell I have been through. I know you will. You are my guiding light.....of which i could use a lot of right now........

words of wisdom appreciated......reasons to live.......

love and hugs to you all with tears in my eyes,
Victoria

[billy027]

I always look for your posts to read. You make my suffering with TOS more bearable and make these boards more special.


Hugs, You are a blessing to me,

Bill

[Jomar]

Hugs Vic Hugs

Ok I took some deep breaths so I don't go off bad mouthing that dr...


Do you think you were in a vulnerable place already when she was saying it?
Or was it the way she said it?
accusingly, judgmentally? or it all just made you feel really put down?

She needs to be made aware of how she impacted your emotional state, but I don't know if telling "all" would be wise...something might backfire if the pills part is mentioned..

[end the suffering of almost 7 years of hell and damn insurance cos. and workers comp...you all know. I had had enough...]
I think you are right that everything had built up and it just exploded at this time.
I hope as you get through this you will again see the good that is you.

Reasons-
Marc must be a very special guy, and he sees the specialness of you.
I think you are a very special person too, even though I haven't met you in real life.
You have passion & compassion, I can see it in your posts.

musings...
Something that never fails to fill me with awe and wonder -
gorgeous sunrises and sunsets with those bright and soft colors that change with each moment

the clear spring days when the grass is the bright green and the sun is warm and bright

Waves endlessly and rhythmically washing on to the sand at the beach, the ocean reflecting the colors of the sky or clouds.

Walking along the beach just enjoying nature.

[Jomar]

I hope you don't mind but I going to put the trigger icon on the post, for others that might be affected by the topic.


Also if you'd like to, or anyone, feel free to visit our SOS {Survivors of Suicide} forum- for anyone that needs to talk or share feelings about it.
a great group of folks there.
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

[tied]

some people should not be in health care. you have been so caring in your posts you have helped a lot of us. please hang in there.

[ajibag]

hey, don't pay attention at the doctor! They usually are stressed because of the loads of the patients they have to see plus some people have much worse character and can easily deeply offence anybody who would be more sensitive then the rest. You should be really hapy to have so wonderful person as Marc and forget about the cruel doctor. Next time Marc will stand for you and everything will be allright!

[gibbrn]

thank you all so much for the support it really means a lot to me to know you are all here for me despite being so far away!

love and hugs to you all.....

[astern]

Sweet Victoria, your posts are always a bright spot - even this one.

Sometimes I find myself in that dark place. I feel hopeless and tired and inept. I can only imagine that you were there when this Dr. decided to use very inappropriate words with you, her patient.

Chronic pain has a sidecar: depression. But us medicated TOSers risk our lives adding psych meds to the mix. It works well for some. For others (me) it does not. Counseling and Group are what helps me get thru these dark places.

You are so lucky that Marc was able to save you. My hope is that when he goes to the appointment with you, he will take this woman aside, show her his wounds and RHEEM HER A NEW ONE. Then calmly come back into the exam room and observe while she APOLOGIZES to YOU. After that, Marc should write a letter to your Ins. Provider (if you have one) or the Clinic and detail exactly what happened. Coming from a Dr., it should be treated with respect. (I smell 'lawsuit', don't you? )

Vicki, suicide is never an option. Even in the worst of it, your suffering serves a purpose. Others see it and gain from it. (or if you're a religious sort like me, you offer it up for the salvation of souls) Like Jo said, there are glorious sunsets, sunrises, colors, nature... all this you'd miss out on if you weren't here.

Please keep on fighting the good fight!
Anne
(coming off of 24hrs of 10 pain)

St. Padre Pio: "There is a price for souls. Someone has to pay for them."

[olecyn]

How r u doing today? I'll call u in a few.

You have good advice from great TOS patients here. What would we do without everyone who knows what we go through, the disregard professionals put us through, the insurance company crap, & the pain? What would we do without NT? We have found the best of best friends & support known right here.

Check your FACEBOOK. I sent you universal awakening strength. Do u remember the conversation we had last night? Do u remember how important YOU are in this world? Do u remember the story I told you of Tooley loosing his engineering job to Neuropathy, being disabled & finding a new awakening? No meds in his hernia op! Just think what we can do for ourselves & others, my friend.

I have a couple of ideas & will send you one to help you begin to make little personal changes, its a new day, new awakening of the rest of your life.

We ALL support & LOVE you, my friend.
Cyndy

[TraceyW]

Hey vic,

i have been offline for last few weeks due to bloomin laptop crashing out on me...

so sad that this is the first post i have read after my time away - you are NOT a waste of space!!!! From what i can see there are many, many people on here who have benefited from your guidance - me being one of them. Your kind words, help and support have got me through some tough times the last 6 months for which i cannot thank you enough!!!

You believed in me, i believe in you and you need to believe in yourself....if this woman is prepared to make you feel that way despite knowing the ins and outs of your situation then maybe she's not worth your time!


hugs, hugs and more hugs
tracey